My Journey Back To God Part V

I had been practicing meditation for about a year before I was introduced to any of these new ways of thinking. I never had much of an experience with meditation, I usually would just end up chasing my thoughts around in a circle for a few minutes and then walk away. In Conversations With God it suggests that in order to truly know God you must go within. So with a strong intention I decided to test the concepts of these books and began meditating on a consistent basis, every morning and every evening. After a few days of trying and not making much of progress I was not sure if I was meditating correctly.

Then one evening while I was walking up the stairs and doing my best to try to talk to God I heard the words clear as day “Are you sure you are ready?” Suddenly a feeling of comfort and what I describe as pure love, the greatest love I had every felt filled every fiber of my body. In an instant I saw my life flash before my eyes. I saw myself as a child in my first house where the fights between my parents first started, I relieved my first sexual encounter, I visualized myself in Afghanistan scared and alone and it capped off with a glimpse of what I now perceive to be my future.

Such vivid images, it was as if I was watching a movie of my life. I saw the energy that is used to form what we perceive to be our physical reality. I saw the energy that was part of something so great words cannot describe it. I saw how we have been gifted this incredible ability to touch, taste, smell, see and hear.

It was wonderful the clarity that had come from that moment, the feeling of being alone suddenly left me. The unfolding of my life had become so obvious to me, no longer did I question why I grew up in a household filled with verbal violence. No longer did I feel ashamed for losing myself in a drug haze for years. No more was I angry with the military for sending me into two war zones. After that moment I often found myself able to just let go while meditating and allow the Universe to show me what I had been asking for. From a broader perspective, from a deep willingness to question the unknown did I find what I have been looking for all my life, I found myself and I found God.

On that day my prayers were answered and I talked to the divine. We did not talk in the format we as people are accustomed to. We had an exchange of feelings, I was given a very powerful sense of clarity. An ultimate sense of just knowing, knowing that I am loved, knowing that God has always been there for me and a belief that everything in my life is perfect just as it is.

That day I did not find God in a church, I did not find her in a book as many have, I found him within me. I found that day that the path to God is different for everyone and that God is big enough to walk each of our paths with us.I discovered that there are as many ways to God as their are people on this planet.

Embracing this idea rather than trying to deny it is when a sense of love and security filled my entire body. The feeling was so profound I could not deny the truth it held behind it. God is not this thing or this person that sits in the heaven and watches down on us. God is an experience, a knowing, a feeling so strong no other description would fit. God is trust, a trust that when you ask for something you will always have it. I no longer felt separate from God but felt and saw that I was a tiny piece to a much larger puzzle. I began to understand just how big the statement “We are all one” really was.

This knowing allowed me for the first time in my life to relax, the anxiety that I have been dealing with on a regular basis diminished greatly. I did not need a medication to control my mind,I needed a willingness to admit that help has always been there for me and I simply needed to allow it.

I now know I have the power and ability to control my mind and have freed myself from the vices that so many often find themselves dependent on. By admitting that I had created my own reality I was able to take ownership of it and then change it.

The moments that make up my life happened in the exact way they needed to in order for my soul to realize its fullest potential. We as humans we must experience the highs and lows in order to declare to the Universe which we prefer. How could I truly experience love if love was the only thing I ever knew. I no longer feel that my mother does not love me, I know that she did her very best to give me the love that she was capable of. My mother gave me the greatest gift of all, from the time I was a child and the things I went through were all part of the Divine’s plan to help me realize fully that I am truly loved and always have been.

When I was feeling so depressed and so unloved my soul called out to the heavens show me love and God answered my prayers. It was part of the not feeling loved, in feeling depressed and alone that I was able to guide myself to what I so desperately yearned for. Every situation, every person I have ever met is all part of a beautifully crafted maze that my soul is a part of in order to find love. In this feeling of love I am able to see the perfection of the universe.

My Journey Back To God Part IV

Unwilling to simply hope my headaches would go away I accepted Dr. Eisen’s offer to do an EFT session over the phone. Not knowing much about EFT my father suggested I look around on her website (doEFT.com) and get an idea of what I was going to be getting myself into. On her website I read such wonderful stories of people who had with Dr. Eisen’s help found the ability to forgive an abusive father, get over a terrible accident and simply start over in life. I read a quote that stated, “fifteen minutes with Dr. Eisen was more useful to me than 15 years of traditional therapy.” After reading that I was convinced that it would at least be worth my time to try it.

Little did I know I was about to have one of the most powerful moments of my life during our phone session. Dr. Eisen gave me the tools, the knowledge and the belief in myself that not only am I worthy of being loved but I am love. During our session she took me on a roller coaster ride of emotions. At times I was so sad and scared I could not stop the tears from rolling down my face. At other times the rage and anger that she tapped into even took me by surprise. I had trouble accepting that I could have so much anger built up towards my mother. As the session progressed we continued to work our way towards better thoughts, better circumstances and most of all better feelings.

Dr. Eisen had a way of getting me to go back and face my past. We tapped into every feeling I had ever bundled up and it felt like an explosion had occurred within me. It was as if a million pounds had been lifted of my shoulders instantly. What clarity she helped me find, such incredible realizations began to come over me. I started to understand my mother from her perspective.

I began to see that in my mother’s eyes she felt she was doing the best she could. I began to have sympathy for my mother knowing that she too did not have the greatest childhood. Most importantly I truly believed for the first time that my mother has and always will love me. Dr. Eisen had me take a few really deep breaths and I noticed right away not only did my head not hurt but I was no longer feeling sorry for myself. Nor was I giving my attention to those unwanted things in my life that offered me no benefit. It was like a switch had been flipped in my head from negative to positive, almost immediately I started looking at life in a different way. A way that allowed me to no longer feel like a victim but instead a person who had control over the way he feels.

After our session was over, she instructed me it may be best to just lay in my bed and rest. I felt so drained like I had just run a marathon and yet so excited. Dr. Eisen gave me a great gift in that hour, she help me see the reasons I was getting the things in my life whether they were good or bad. She helped me see how powerful my feelings are and how important it is to acknowledge them. Bundling up your feelings will without a doubt have very negative consequences on the individual. A famous man once said that 99 percent of all illness is related to stress, after that day I could not agree more.

I now began to see clearly why my life had unfolded the way it did. I began throwing around the ideas in my mind, “how could I have ever felt loved by another when I had no love for myself?” “Is it possible that I created my reality in this very way?” “Is it possible that the events of my life were necessary to help bring me to a greater understanding? Could it be that the universe brought these circumstances, events and thoughts in order for me to find my way back to God?” Suddenly I was thinking on a very deep level, feelings were the basis of this experience. I felt guided by an amazing energy inside me, an energy that is so hard to explain but is so wonderful to feel.

Thirsty for knowledge I called Dr. Eisen the next day and did my best to put into words the feelings and thoughts that I was having. Dr. Eisen was not surprised and recommended I try reading a couple of books one called Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch and the other was Ask and It is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks.

As fast as my car would take me I raced to the nearest book store and began reading these mind blowing books. What insight these books offered me, what inspiration I felt as I turned every page. Could the basis of these books, the message We Are All One truly be the way the world works? Is it possible that we truly are the creator of our own experiences? That in essence we really do get what we think about it? I had never heard of the Law Of Attraction before which was introduced to me in these books and it states, “that which is like unto itself is drawn.” As simple as this statement appears to be, when I would meditate on the concept I began to clearly see how I was drawing everything into my life. From the headache that I hated so much or the meeting of my amazing wife all my feelings and thoughts are the reasons everything in my life came to be. These are all things I had asked for and therefore the universe answered me each and every time.

My Journey Back To God Part III

The Navy was good for me. It taught me discipline, how to work hard and most of all it got me away from the fighting. For the first time in my life I was on my own and free from the turmoil I was used to. Of course enlisting in the military after 9/11 I should have seen it coming the day our commanding officer came out and said, “Our mission has changed, we will all be going to Iraq and Afghanistan over the course of the next 3 years.” My heart sunk very quickly but I stood tall at attention taking the news in trying to act as if it was no big deal.

After serving in Iraq and Afghanistan and seeing violence I feel no one should ever have to witness I decided I would serve my five year obligation only. The Navy changed me. I did not want to admit it at the time but I was not the same person I was before I enlisted. Being the type of guy who never faces his true feelings I was now dealing with the issues from my past along with the mental and physical challenges of suffering a debilitating back injury and the nightmares of two wars. All of the stress was taking its toll on me and on my marriage. At times I would get so angry with my wife because my back would not stop hurting, or because she would try to talk to me about the war. These stresses would blow up into fits of fury. Eventually my back healed and my wife and I were able to take comfort in that. She continued to encourage me to seek out some help to deal with the PTSD label the military had assigned me. I once again refused help and our troubled marriage did not improve.

To add fuel to the fire my health was in jeopardy again, I began to suffer from intense migraines. I had been to numerous doctors, tried several medications and become an expert of self diagnosis with every possible cause. The more attention I paid to my migraines, the worse they seemed to get. I often would find myself lost in my own self loathing of poor me. I remember several times a day I would ask myself why me? Have I not been through enough already? I once again took my anger out on God, shouting to the heavens, cursing his very name. I was now more convinced than ever that there was no God.

My father would call me often, and he could hear the hurting in my voice as I explained to him that I was excited that my back no longer hurt but now I was getting incredibly painful headaches. He became increasingly worried about my health and had suggested I try something called EFT or emotional freedom technique with his new girl friend Dr. Kim Eisen.

I was very reluctant at first and did not believe that a “witch doctor” could help me with my health. My dad explained to me how she had helped him finally make some peace with his own childhood. My father comes from a family of alcoholics and lost his own mother to a house fire. After my father had worked with Dr. Eisen for a while I began to see the change in him as he ventured out to visit me in California. During his visit my father for the first time in his life openly displayed his love for me and as a result our relationship has blossomed into a beautiful friendship. I am truly grateful for the changes in my father but more importantly I was inspired to deal with my own demons. I was still hesitant to call Dr. Eisen but at this point I figured I had nothing left to lose. The doctors basically were telling me they did not know what to do to help me and that “generally people will outgrow these headaches and we hope they do not come back.”

My Journey Back To God Part II

I was so angry with God for putting me in this situation. Living in this household where fighting happened almost every day. After my mother appeared to no longer need me I retreated to my room. Content on making God understand just how truly frustrated I was I reached for my Bible and in one foul swoop I tore it in half.

This moment felt so empowering to me. Why should I worship a God that allows a child to witness and go through such horrible things? Why was I so unworthy of love? What was wrong with me? These questions lead me to a complete dismissal of all faith and I decided that there was no God. In my eyes believing there was no God was the only answer. I had prayed so many times to God to end this fighting. I even tried bargaining with God to no appeal. I made unrealistic promises such as I will never get angry again if you just make the fighting stop. The fighting never did stop. My anger and hate for myself and God continued to grow.

I constantly craved attention and with a mother who was so caught up in the soap opera that was her life affection was hard to come by. A realization had come to me at a very young age, when I was hurt or sick my mother would give me the attention that I so craved. I often found myself in the emergency room. As a child I broke many bones. I often would even inflict pain on myself just to get attention. I would go to extremes such as rubbing my knuckles into the sidewalk back and forth causing the skin to tear and my fingers to bleed. I loved the sensation of pain, as it helped remind that I was alive.

I had a stint where I experimented with any and all drugs I could get my hands on. I was completely reckless and had no concern for my health and or well-being. The only thing I knew for sure was that when I hurt my body at least for that moment my mother would smother me with affection. I was on a self destructive path that appeared to have no end in sight.

I finally hit rock bottom when I decided to get into a fist fight with my step-father. After the dust settled I was told to be out of the house immediately and was to not come back. Lost and feeling utterly alone I did the only thing I knew how, I scored another bag and got lost in the haze of being high.

With feelings of suicide filling my every thought I was convinced that taking my own life was the only way out. I rehearsed it in my head so many times how I would do it. I was going to drive my car into oncoming traffic on the freeway. I thought to myself,” that’ll teach them for not loving me.” For some reason I could never truly bring myself to follow through with my plan. Something inside me kept telling me that this was not it. Not sure what to do but needing to get out of a tough situation I decided to enlist in the United States Navy.

My Journey Back To God

A short story by Anthony Munkholm
(My short story consists of 6 parts and I will release one part every few days)

Dedicated to my beautiful wife who has stood by my side while I have embarked on this incredible journey that has forever changed my life.

Part I.

A house filled with anger and confusion is the basis of my life. A fire burning inside me so hot, so filled with rage that I swallowed it again because I know of no other release. I reach for my notebook, an oversized black sharpie, and begin to write in giant letters, “I HATE YOU.” I try to turn my music up to drown out the noise but it is too overpowering. I was doing my best to get lost in my thoughts frantically scribbling on paper. “I hate you. You are so stupid. Of course no one loves you.” This became the basis of my journal, statements made to myself as an affirmation that I was indeed utterly worthless.

In the kitchen the circus had started earlier than usual today. ”You do not really love me, you just play games with your love, you take it and you give it.” My mother is doing her best to plead her case to my step-father but he is stuck in his own vortex of rage. Back and forth they go, “You are crazy, you should be locked up in the mental ward,” screams my step-father. I have heard this argument so many times I could practically predict what would be said next. The tension in the house continues to build, my sisters hide out in their room dealing with the madness in their own way. “I want a divorce,” cries my mother as she veraciously pounds her feet up the stairs and slams the door to her bedroom.

I take a breath and hope the insanity has stopped at least for the moment. Retreating to my notebook I continue to project my feelings into the only thing that would listen to me, my journal. It was hard to write as I could hear the whimpers of desperation from my mother through the walls. Into her room I would go to do my best to try to console her. I would look her in the eyes but she was not there, she was lost in a maze of anger and sadness. My step-father had retreated to his office. He would go there so he could be alone for a few minutes of peace. With the two separated from each other, quiet whispers begin to fill the house. My sisters and I take comfort in this stillness, even if only for a second.

The silence does not last long, my mother refuses to let go of the fury swirling inside her. She truly believes with all of her heart that she has been the victim of another rotten relationship. She puts on her shoes and storms out to my step father’s office. The door is locked, so she starts frantically pounding on the door. Banging so aggressively against the door, you would have thought the garage was on fire. I watch through the kitchen window as my mother and step father argue back and forth through the door about who has wronged the other one more. It was like a display of insanity towards each other. The words that were said were so terrible I dare not repeat them here. Witnessing this I had to sit back and wonder did these two every truly love each other? What could possibly be so bad? These two who at one time seemed to be so happily in love have reduced themselves to the most basic form of name calling.

I began to cry as the day’s events continue to unravel. My mother comes back in the house and sees the tears that I was fighting to hold back. She tells me that she loves me, but her words mean nothing to me as I feel completely alone. I plead with her to stop fighting with my step-father. I beg her to stop the madness and just try to calm down. It was no use. I might as well have been talking to the wall. My mother reaches for another cigarette and lights it up. The cigarette appears to be the only thing that she truly cares about. Grasping to it so tightly it almost crumbles in her hands. She is completely oblivious to the influence she is having on her kids and the example that she is setting. She is so concerned with herself she does not even realize that she is tearing apart the very family that she has created. I once again was pushed to the way side so that my mother could continue to deal with what appeared to be a never ending struggle. At this point I felt so alone, I had given up on myself and I had given up on God.

For Meredith

I am a strong person,
I have been through so much,
I have become so accustomed to going at it alone,
Please understand that I do want you by my side,

Taking one day at a time,
Doing my best to let you in,
Working on letting go of my deepest fears,
Grateful for the patience you have displayed up to this point,

I am healing this heart,
You have tried so hard to help me mend those wounds,
Coming to the realizations that letting go is what is best,
Trusting that you will pick me up if I fall back down,

Turning a new page in this relationship every day,
Willing to learn from my mistakes in the past,
Wanting to take you by the hand and move forward,
Maybe it is your shoulder I should seek to rest my head on once in a while,

Oh how part of me wishes we could start over,
And yet I do not think I really would,
The trouble that we have been through together is only going to make us stronger,
Such an appreciation I have in my heart for the experiences we have had,

I want to let you in,
The ability to be vulnerable with you is something I do not want to fear,
I want to provide you with the safety and comfort that you are yearning for,
I want to show you in better ways the love I truly have for you,

Thank you for encouraging me to take this journey,
Thank you for being my crutch to lean on,
I want to return the favor,
I just want to be with you.

The Power of the Focus Wheel

I was taught a technique a while back on how to help improve my mood in regards to any single situation, thought, or mood. The basis behind this technique is being completely honest with where you currently stand on the situation, which for me was the hardest part.

Subjects often covered for people using this technique are: money, relationships, health, career, family, and so on. When I first started using this technique I would use very broad subjects, and I as I worked with it more and felt more comfortable I soon was able to get very specific. This technique is called focus wheeling and I either do them on paper (which really is a lot more effective and fun for me) or simply go over it in my head.

The basis of this technique is to help assist in “feeling” better about any number of subjects. This is not a quest to become eternally happy (without the down’s we would not be able to know the up’s)but rather a practice of acknowledging that you do not feel quite right about something and then gradually working yourself to a better feeling place.

A great author Debbie Ford (suggested reading The Shadow Effect &Why Good People Do Bad Things) has this wonderful analogy for feelings and either dealing with them or not dealing with them. She refers to this analogy as the beach ball effect. The beach ball effect talks about stuffing our feelings inside of us raher than dealing with them as they arise. Every time we have a feeling or an emotion (the terms are interchangeable) it is for a reason. For many of us when we have feelings that we perceive to be negative we tend to bundle them up. This is where the beach ball comes in, imagine trying to hold a beach ball underwater(call the first beach ball shame), at first it can be an easy task. But then add more situations that create fear, unworthiness, anger and so on. After a short time it becomes impossible and the beach balls are going to make it back to the surface. These beach balls show up in numerous ways, ill-health (in my case terrible migraines or a back injury), fights with a spouse, or overwhelming debt. If you ignore your feelings and do not deal with them, they get bigger. The longer you ignore them the more power they have until eventual they explode and you are faced with a situation that finally forces you to deal with those feelings. It is imperative that we deal with our emotions when they arise (something I am learning more and more) rather than try to hold that beach ball under the water.

A focus wheel is a technique that allows you to deal with those negative emotions when they arise. Whether you are annoyed with a co-worker, feelings poor from the lack of money in your bank account or depressed over the loss of a loved one, a focus wheel can be a great tool to help shift your energy to a better feeling place.

Below I am going to share a focus wheel I did this morning:

The first part is to write down a statement that sums up the subject you are feeling negative emotion about: I am feeling a little worried about the lack of money in my bank account

This statement is very important. The statement allows you to be honest with yourself and really get in touch with the heart of the matter. Trying to be as specific as possible is helpful but if you are new to doing to focus wheel statements as simple as: “I want more money,” are a great place to start.
The second part is then coming up with a statement of what you would like to see happen, write it as if it is already true for you.

My statement looked like this: When I look at my bank account I am filled with feelings of comfort and security.

*Notice I did not specifically ask for more money in my statement. The purpose to the focus wheel is to get in touch with your feelings, therefore I am looking to feel more secure and comfortable with my finances not to have money magically appear in my account.

When you are able to get to the feeling place of what it is that you desire, the manifestation (or physical creation) does not become as important. Let the universe take care of the rest, just trying to feel better is such an important first step.
The final step is to write statements (in my case between 10-12) that allow you to move into that feeling place of what it is that I am looking for.

Here are my eleven statements:

1. I am open and receptive to all of the abundance in the universe.

2. Money is an energy and by being open to it and expecting it to come my way the universe will continue to provide me with what it is I am asking for.

3. I am abundant in so many other ways, I have a wonderful house, a nice car, live in a beautiful area, have a wife that cares about me, I am able to easily find more things that show my worth that simply the money in my savings account.

4. Using my focusing power to feel wealthy where I am at, is exactly what it takes to bring me into a better feeling place with money.

5. I am very pleased with all of the positive effort that I have put forth into bringing even more abundance into my life.

6. Money is able to come to me from many different sources and I am open and receptive to all of them.

7. I am very strong, healthy and in my good health I am thinking positive thoughts and with my positive thoughts I am more open to other desires that I have.

8. Working on a focus wheel and mediation in the morning is really a great way to start the day off right.

9. I often look around me and can easily find reasons to feel abundant in everything that I do.

10. I am truly blessed and have never been poor and realizing that I will always have what I need is truly a very comforting feeling.

11. I take comfort knowing I am preparing myself for financial success by reading books, attending financial classes, contributing to my retirement and focusing on being prepared.

The statements you make are a tool to improve your mood. You do not need to go from a feeling of despair to one of pure joy, but you will notice your feelings are shifting towards a more positive matter. In my case I did not specifically just focus on money because that can bring up some negative emotion for me. Instead I put myself in a better feeling place about abundance as a whole and I am now better prepared to handle situations and discussions that have to do with money.

After a focus wheel I immediately go into meditation and try to hold onto those improved feelings I have just created. As Buddha says “All that we are is a result of what we have thought.” Therefore can you not see the value in trying to directly focus your attention specifically on those improved feelings you have just created.

A focus wheel is such a valuable tool to me, the more I have used them the more I have literally felt my energy in my body shift. I have felt my mood improve on many different levels. There is no doubt in my mind that I get what I think about. My feelings and emotions are a direct reflection of what my life has become. And as I have dealt with and found more and more ways to feel better on a wide variety of subjects my life has continued to improve. I have made peace with many things from my past(and still struggle with some) and am striving to become a better person. I am so grateful I have found this simple technique and hope it may offer some help to those who are looking for it.