I had been practicing meditation for about a year before I was introduced to any of these new ways of thinking. I never had much of an experience with meditation, I usually would just end up chasing my thoughts around in a circle for a few minutes and then walk away. In Conversations With God it suggests that in order to truly know God you must go within. So with a strong intention I decided to test the concepts of these books and began meditating on a consistent basis, every morning and every evening. After a few days of trying and not making much of progress I was not sure if I was meditating correctly.
Then one evening while I was walking up the stairs and doing my best to try to talk to God I heard the words clear as day “Are you sure you are ready?” Suddenly a feeling of comfort and what I describe as pure love, the greatest love I had every felt filled every fiber of my body. In an instant I saw my life flash before my eyes. I saw myself as a child in my first house where the fights between my parents first started, I relieved my first sexual encounter, I visualized myself in Afghanistan scared and alone and it capped off with a glimpse of what I now perceive to be my future.
Such vivid images, it was as if I was watching a movie of my life. I saw the energy that is used to form what we perceive to be our physical reality. I saw the energy that was part of something so great words cannot describe it. I saw how we have been gifted this incredible ability to touch, taste, smell, see and hear.
It was wonderful the clarity that had come from that moment, the feeling of being alone suddenly left me. The unfolding of my life had become so obvious to me, no longer did I question why I grew up in a household filled with verbal violence. No longer did I feel ashamed for losing myself in a drug haze for years. No more was I angry with the military for sending me into two war zones. After that moment I often found myself able to just let go while meditating and allow the Universe to show me what I had been asking for. From a broader perspective, from a deep willingness to question the unknown did I find what I have been looking for all my life, I found myself and I found God.
On that day my prayers were answered and I talked to the divine. We did not talk in the format we as people are accustomed to. We had an exchange of feelings, I was given a very powerful sense of clarity. An ultimate sense of just knowing, knowing that I am loved, knowing that God has always been there for me and a belief that everything in my life is perfect just as it is.
That day I did not find God in a church, I did not find her in a book as many have, I found him within me. I found that day that the path to God is different for everyone and that God is big enough to walk each of our paths with us.I discovered that there are as many ways to God as their are people on this planet.
Embracing this idea rather than trying to deny it is when a sense of love and security filled my entire body. The feeling was so profound I could not deny the truth it held behind it. God is not this thing or this person that sits in the heaven and watches down on us. God is an experience, a knowing, a feeling so strong no other description would fit. God is trust, a trust that when you ask for something you will always have it. I no longer felt separate from God but felt and saw that I was a tiny piece to a much larger puzzle. I began to understand just how big the statement “We are all one” really was.
This knowing allowed me for the first time in my life to relax, the anxiety that I have been dealing with on a regular basis diminished greatly. I did not need a medication to control my mind,I needed a willingness to admit that help has always been there for me and I simply needed to allow it.
I now know I have the power and ability to control my mind and have freed myself from the vices that so many often find themselves dependent on. By admitting that I had created my own reality I was able to take ownership of it and then change it.
The moments that make up my life happened in the exact way they needed to in order for my soul to realize its fullest potential. We as humans we must experience the highs and lows in order to declare to the Universe which we prefer. How could I truly experience love if love was the only thing I ever knew. I no longer feel that my mother does not love me, I know that she did her very best to give me the love that she was capable of. My mother gave me the greatest gift of all, from the time I was a child and the things I went through were all part of the Divine’s plan to help me realize fully that I am truly loved and always have been.
When I was feeling so depressed and so unloved my soul called out to the heavens show me love and God answered my prayers. It was part of the not feeling loved, in feeling depressed and alone that I was able to guide myself to what I so desperately yearned for. Every situation, every person I have ever met is all part of a beautifully crafted maze that my soul is a part of in order to find love. In this feeling of love I am able to see the perfection of the universe.