My Journey Back To God Part II

I was so angry with God for putting me in this situation. Living in this household where fighting happened almost every day. After my mother appeared to no longer need me I retreated to my room. Content on making God understand just how truly frustrated I was I reached for my Bible and in one foul swoop I tore it in half.

This moment felt so empowering to me. Why should I worship a God that allows a child to witness and go through such horrible things? Why was I so unworthy of love? What was wrong with me? These questions lead me to a complete dismissal of all faith and I decided that there was no God. In my eyes believing there was no God was the only answer. I had prayed so many times to God to end this fighting. I even tried bargaining with God to no appeal. I made unrealistic promises such as I will never get angry again if you just make the fighting stop. The fighting never did stop. My anger and hate for myself and God continued to grow.

I constantly craved attention and with a mother who was so caught up in the soap opera that was her life affection was hard to come by. A realization had come to me at a very young age, when I was hurt or sick my mother would give me the attention that I so craved. I often found myself in the emergency room. As a child I broke many bones. I often would even inflict pain on myself just to get attention. I would go to extremes such as rubbing my knuckles into the sidewalk back and forth causing the skin to tear and my fingers to bleed. I loved the sensation of pain, as it helped remind that I was alive.

I had a stint where I experimented with any and all drugs I could get my hands on. I was completely reckless and had no concern for my health and or well-being. The only thing I knew for sure was that when I hurt my body at least for that moment my mother would smother me with affection. I was on a self destructive path that appeared to have no end in sight.

I finally hit rock bottom when I decided to get into a fist fight with my step-father. After the dust settled I was told to be out of the house immediately and was to not come back. Lost and feeling utterly alone I did the only thing I knew how, I scored another bag and got lost in the haze of being high.

With feelings of suicide filling my every thought I was convinced that taking my own life was the only way out. I rehearsed it in my head so many times how I would do it. I was going to drive my car into oncoming traffic on the freeway. I thought to myself,” that’ll teach them for not loving me.” For some reason I could never truly bring myself to follow through with my plan. Something inside me kept telling me that this was not it. Not sure what to do but needing to get out of a tough situation I decided to enlist in the United States Navy.