Saturday, November 12, 2011
I have never truly known what taking a leap of faith or “let go and let God” truly means. The concept makes sense but how does one truly surrender, how does one simply trust the experiences in there lives are what is needed? I write about my need for control a lot and one of the greatest struggles in my life is trying to control things that I cannot.
I have been told for some the only way to accept that you have no control is to experience a great loss. Therefore I am choosing to believe that if I am willing to let go, it is like cutting the sand bags of a hot air balloon and then I will ascend higher than I could have ever imagined.
For me at this point in my life: letting go does not mean I sit back and wait for things to happen, but it does mean that I trust this process. It is an excellent feeling when I look up to the heavens and say, Lord I am open to anything because I am not sure where I want to go now.
Letting go does not mean you have to make drastic changes in your life but I feel it is important to make the best of where I am. I believe when I can be grateful and happy with where I am at I will allow more goodness to come into my life.
Surrendering for me is admitting that change happens, and that change is not a bad thing. The first few days of change can be so hard, but things settle, they always do.
In my life I still will fall into the need to control but as the Rolling Stones said, “You can’t always get what you want but you will find you get what you need!”
Feeling so much better about the way things are unfolding but still lost in the confusion about what all the lessons that are to be learned from this experience.
No more tears are necessary, empathy tends to lead to compassion in my mind, and while I will never truly understand the other side I know what happen was believed to be for the best. So many gifts have already come.
Believing for the first time in my life that I can truly make it on my own, at times even eager to see how this all plays out, excited because the opportunities that are before me are beginning to seem like they are endless.
More determined than ever to make it, most days not even worrying because I know if I need anything else at this moment my spirit would have already provided it to me.
Not so much filled with regret anymore, regret only hurts me, not really filled with anger either, I know it can still get me sometimes but it can get the best of all of us.
Letting myself off the hook; finally, because I know I did the best I could with what I had. Patting myself on the back for making such an effort, proud of myself for getting the help that was always there.
So grateful to all of those who helped keep me moving towards the light, so grateful to those who allowed me to stay in the dark if only for a minute, because in the dark comes many gifts as well, loving all of the support, hard to explain how loved I feel.
Knowing not all days will be great but understanding I do have the ability to try to do something about it, changing my perspective, knowing I can either feel sorry for myself or step-up and look forward.
A dear friend of mine told me to stop looking at the back of the head’s of those walking away from you and start looking into the eyes of those heading towards you...
Nervous for what the future holds, but the type of nervousness that makes great things happen,
Anxious energy I have found can be positive when I pour it into my writing, so grateful I have been blessed with this gift to pour my feelings into a piece of paper, love the feeling when the words come through me and not from me,
Excited because so many have made me feel so loved,
Relieved because I am loving myself more and more,
Hopeful for these new relationships that are coming my way,
Even a few butterflies in my stomach, which is such a fun feeling,
Optimistic because I know many will benefit because of the work I have been doing,
Even when the rain pours down hard I know it will not last. I have been through so much in my life and when I look back every part of it has made me such a better man. This is merely a torn page in the story of my life and has rekindled in me my passion to constantly move forward, to become better, to keep searching, to keep loving. I am in all my humanness imperfectly, perfect!