tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62628664479894972312024-03-13T03:42:48.962-07:00LIFE“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.comBlogger59125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-48011438269617621962013-04-15T10:29:00.002-07:002013-04-15T10:29:50.422-07:00PAIN
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I work as a personal trainer and exercise is my life. About 8
months ago when I was running I felt a massive twinge go down my inner thigh,
then my other inner thigh, then my ankles and toes were numb. I ignored and
just kept running. In my mind the pain was not real. I chose to ignore the
pain, push through the pain, punish the pain, and flat out deny the pain was
there. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">For me pain has always been a part of my life. For a long time I
use to take a lot of pride in my ability to withstand so much pain. My ego
thrives on punishing my body. Stand a little taller knowing that I can still do
a squat even though my feet and legs are numb. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It is not just the physical pain that is always there either. It
is the thoughts about the pain that seems to increase it. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This will never go away...<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">How can you be so dumb...<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Why am I always hurt...<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">These thoughts give power to the pain. When my mind is really
going the pain in my body seems to thrive.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Over the course of 8 months I have tried many things to heal my
pain. I would visualize my legs healing as I slowly breathed, I went to massage
and chiropractic. I stretched and strengthened my hips and legs the same way I
would work with anyone who described to me that they have hip pain. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I saw a doctor and they said I just needed to rest. That sounds
easy enough; I assure you for me it is not. I did not rest. The pain has grown
and grown and grown. And yet I kept working out, lifting hard, thinking and
hoping it would go away; knowing that it would not. The pain has spread to my
butt and back as well. I allowed it to get to the point where I had to see a specialist
in order to rule out any major damage to the joint of my hip.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In my mind physical pain represents a spiritual opportunity for
growth. This is not to say that I did not have something physical wrong. I do.
I have a pulled groin muscle. However, I think the pain in my leg represents
something much deeper than a pulled muscle. Over the course of the last 8
months my moods have been defined by the way my body feels. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When my legs and back hurt it is never certain what side of me
will show up. I have been so angry I could feel the blood in my skin boil. I
have been so depressed I danced with thoughts of the easy way out. I have had
times where the pain was gone for a moment, I would feel so alive, to only have
it all come crashing down the next day.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Then I decided enough was enough. I decided to surrender to my
pain. Surrender does not mean I am giving up. Surrender means I accept myself unconditonally
right now. This is no easy task for a person who lets his body and the way it
looks and feels carry so much weight. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Now for the last week I have not worked out at all. This is a
great success. This. Is. Success. For. Me. I am allowing my body to rest. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And my body has given me flashes of brilliance. I have felt
myself healing some. I am proud of myself for taking these steps. I have other
area's I can watch over while I let myself heal. I am doing my best to eat
well, finding new ways to be active; redefining what HEALTH is to me. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I do know I will heal and I do know that I will be able to lift
weights again, most likely soon, facing this injury has allowed me to feel real
pain, discover real growth, and uncover parts of myself I did not know were
there. Now that I have faced my pain, accepted that it is part of me, I can let
it go, and let my body and spirit heal. I have grown from ignoring my pain, and
I am thriving in new ways by embracing my pain.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Most of all I feel I now know what real health is. Real Health
means I eat healthy foods not because I have to but because I chose to. Real
health means maintaining a healthy body weight because I know how being
overweight can lead to a shorter life and so many other health problems. Real
health means “being active” rather than always working out. I walk everyday,
sometimes for several hours, this is real health. Playing with the kids, doing
some yoga, taking the stairs instead, this is an active life and it feels good.
<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There is more to real health than eating well and being active.
Real health also means honoring your mind and spirits as well. I meditate every
morning to honor my spirit. I try to talk to myself in a positive manner, avoid
criticizing others, and myself and write down my successes at the end of the
day to keep my mind right. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This is life, one’s with up’s and down’s. It is not always easy
but it is not always hard. Accepting myself in every moment opens the doors of infinite
possibilities. Knowing that at times I will deny myself allows me to be human.
Knowing that there is more to me than how my body looks and feels, well that
for me is FREEDOM. </span></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-62348075535629727142013-02-25T05:48:00.001-08:002013-02-25T07:36:57.655-08:00Fear<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #0e0f32; font-family: Palatino; font-size: 11.0pt;">Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not
our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be
brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you</span><span style="color: #0e0f32; font-family: Palatino; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"> <i>not</i> </span><span style="background: white; color: #0e0f32; font-family: Palatino; font-size: 11.0pt;">to
be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There
is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure
around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make
manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's
in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other
people permission to do the same. –Marianne Williamson <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fear is a strong emotion that has the ability for many of us
to decide our lives at one time or another. It can be so strong that it will
manifest as many other emotions such as anxiety, anger, and even depression.
Fear has very strong physical ramifications too. Stuffing fear down only makes
it worse and allows the fear to grow in size. Hiding from it with alcohol,
drugs, food, the Internet, and many other vices is a temporary fix. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How many of us are holding our lives back because of fear?
Some fear is natural and serves us very well. When I was in Afghanistan and the
sirens would go off I would put on my Kevlar vest and helmet to try to stay
safe. That is fear serving me well. But for many of us it is the everyday
fear’s that do not serve us well. For many of us fear is the very reason we
hold ourselves back. Furthermore so much of our own fear’s are self-created. It
is the thoughts that we think that make us afraid. I know I am guilty of using
the words should, what if, and but more then enough times in my life. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Do any of these phrases sound familiar: </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I should go back to school but...</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I should really try to lose some weight but....</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I should really try to stick to this budget so I get my
finances in order faster but...</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I should travel more but...</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What if it does not work out, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What if he/she decides she does not want to be with me
anymore,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What if I cannot afford it,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What if I fail (my biggest one),</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What will they think of me,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What if I have to give up XXX (insert alcohol, sweets,
overspending, etc),</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What if, What if, What if, how often do we as humans let the
fear of the unknown decide our fate? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Facing my own personal fears in life has served me
incredibly well and has been the launching point for becoming a better person.
It has not always been easy but every time I have faced my greatest fears the rewards
have been far greater. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Personally I feel my life has bottomed out more than once
and fear always did its best to try to keep me there. When I was 21 all I was
doing was drinking and doing drugs and my life came to screeching halt. In a
matter of moments I lost my job, got kicked out of my house, was flat broke,
and even considered suicide. But something in me stayed strong and I faced my
fears got my act together and joined the U.S. military. I gave up everything I
knew in search of a better life. Looking back on it joining the Navy saved my
life. Was I scared? Absolutely, did I let fear decide my fate, Hell no. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I realized I did not want to serve any longer in the
military was I scared to get out? Absolutely. Servicemen telling me I would
never make it on the outside surrounded me. I was told that there are no good
jobs, that I would be giving up a good thing, many chiefs told me it was only a
matter of time and I would be back. Did I buy into some of the fear?
Absolutely, I was scared out of my mind but did I let fear decide my life? No,
I got with my wife, developed a plan, started going to school, lined up a job
before I was even out, and saved as much money as I could. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I was deciding on going back to school was I scared?
Absolutely, what if I fail, what if we do not have enough money, what if I am
not sure what I want to do? These conversations constantly played out in my
head. But I also had conversations with myself such as what if I do well, what
if I can make it work financially, what if I find a great career that fulfills
me? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I was going through my divorce and was not sure if
moving back to Minnesota was the right idea was I scared? Probably more than I
have ever been in my entire life. Was I really about to give up the life I knew
for the last 10 years? The night before I drove back I spent the entire night
curled up on the floor crying because I was so scared. But I prayed to God for
help and he wrapped me in love and light and assured me that if I face my fears
it will work out in the end. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I have faced my fears I have traveled the world, got
an excellent education, healed so many mental and physical blocks in my life,
meet an amazing new woman, made incredible friends, advanced my career and been
to the depths of my soul. Fear is such a powerful emotion that when confronted
forced me to grow in ways that I have never believed possible. Facing fear does not mean you have to
know how everything works out, in fact when I was able to let go of
expectations and just follow my gut it has felt like the Universe simply laid
out a path for me. Do I still get scared, almost daily. Do I let fear decide my
life, hell no. I use fear as a driving force in my life. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What are you afraid of? Where are you holding yourself back?
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-20262599807948758782012-12-10T06:55:00.001-08:002012-12-10T07:20:18.793-08:00Anger<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here
I am today, far from complete but reasonably happy with who I am and who I have
become. Knowing that life is a process of self-discovery. Accepting that every
time I peel away a layer of myself I uncover new and exciting treasures.
Believing that I have unlimited potential because every time I have one of
those aha moments, after the excitement has settled I take the knowledge I have
gained put it to use and become a better person. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
Anger is a perfectly acceptable human
emotion that we are all capable of feeling. Learning to recognize anger as it
starts to brew is the key to understand how to release it Learning how to
release anger instead of trying to control anger has served me very well. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
I believe anger is the opposite of
forgiveness. Anger is here to teach us how important it is to forgive.
Forgiveness is the key to true peace. Those who I have the most anger towards
are the ones I need to forgive the most. I do not need to forgive them for them
but rather for myself. I needed to forgive myself because holding onto anger
towards myself benefits no one. As Buddha has said: Holding onto anger is like
holding onto a hot stone, in the end I am the one who gets burned. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
I also had to learn that forgiving
does not mean I have to forget. Nor do I need to let those I have forgiven
know. Nor does it mean I have to be close and loving with everyone in my life.
Forgiveness simply means I am allowing myself to let go of those negative
feelings I have because they no longer serve me. Life will constantly bring me
teachers until I truly understand anger and forgiveness. Forgiving has made me
feel lighter, made me feel more free. I no longer want to be restricted by
something that has happened years ago or even minutes ago. I forgive because I
want more in life. I have made a choice to let go of resentment. Many times I
have to remind myself that to be angry is a choice and I have the power to
change. I do not want to be defined by all the perceived wrongs or mistakes in
my life but rather by the choices I have made to become a better person. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
The ability to stay calm amongst
the chaos is a skill I have been committed to. I planted the seed when my
marriage failed in part because of my inability to recognize and release my
anger. During our final hours when I saw the fire behind her eyes I had trouble
accepting there could be so much there. I made a promise to myself as my
marriage fizzled away that I would embark on a journey. This journey would not
be easy but I knew if I were to ever love another or myself again I would need
to tame the lion that lived within my soul.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Throughout
my life I was never taught about anger. I was incapable of expressing my anger
in healthy ways. During childhood anger was expressed verbally through yelling
and swearing. During my time in the military I was taught to keep my anger
inside. It was as if the military was merely keeping a monster at bay so the
monster could be unleashed at precisely the right time. Angry soldiers are good
soldiers. In adulthood at times I would use booze to hide from the anger. But
the booze was such a temporary solution. Not only does the beer not make the
anger go away but it seems to come back stronger. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
I did not know how to express my
anger. I also had the belief that it was wrong to be angry. For many years I
only knew of a few ways to express my anger, through yelling, by abusing my
body through too much exercise or too many drugs, or swallowing it whole. For
so long I was a ticking time bomb. I do not even think I was aware of how much
anger I had inside of me. The tension in my back and neck, the fire that ran
through my veins, the fury in my eyes, the more I ignored my anger the bigger
it got. Anger when left unchecked is like a snowball rolling down a hill, as it
rolls it gains size and strength until it gets to the point where it becomes an
avalanche and will destroy anything in its path. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anger
left unchecked leads to a host of other problems and emotions. Too much anger
can turn into depression, anxiety, resentment, and many other strong emotions.
Anger left to linger can have very strong physical ramifications as well, heart
problems, muscle tension, weight gain, and headaches too name a few. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
During
my life anger has been my greatest teacher. Anger has caused great turmoil in
my life. Anger has also lead to my greatest treasures. For if I had never taken
the time to go within and understand why I am angry, what am I suppose to
learn, and why these experiences keep coming into my life I would not be the
person I am today. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With
enough searching within and asking the right people the right questions I have
made a new relationship with anger. Anger and I have come to an agreement that
allows us to co-exist in a beautiful way. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
First
of all I have told my anger that I will never try to disown it again. If I am
mad I own it. Every part of it. I own the strong emotion, the hair standing up
on my arms, the tension in the back of my knees, the clenching of my fists. I
own the racing thoughts in my mind. The fastest way to release an emotion is to
understand that it is perfectly acceptable to be feeling that emotion. I
embrace my anger now when it rises and then I let it go. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When
I first began this journey I thought I was going to get to the point where I no
longer got angry. And while I am impressed with myself because the little
things rarely set me off anymore I am no longer trying to not get angry but
instead I recognize anger, learn from anger, and then release the anger. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Meditation
has been my biggest reason for coming to a new understanding with my anger. A
daily meditation practice has brought a new sense of calm to my life. Not only
do I not get as angry anymore, I believe meditation has allowed me to recognize
the subtle hints from my mind, body, and soul. Anger only grows when we do not
get those little hints. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I
continue to write almost daily. Putting my emotions to paper is an excellent
method of release for me. As I get lost in my words I feel the energy drain
from my body. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nature
will always absorb negative emotions. Getting outside, taking a few breaths,
and recognizing the beauty of the flow of water or the ripple of the trees as
the wind blows help me stay calm. If I am really upset I visualize myself
getting in the river and letting go of the ores. Instead of trying to paddle my
boat up the stream with all my might, I simply pick up the ores, point the boat
down stream and go with the flow. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I
try to understand why I am angry. I can still be as stubborn as a mule but I am
willing to embrace another’s point of view. I am willing to try and be
vulnerable with those I am angry with and talk it out. It may feel difficult at
first but once I realize that my anger is not towards another but rather a
conflict that has developed within it does make it easier to share with another
the feelings I am having. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Finally
when all else fails, if I am truly lost within the whirlwind of my emotions I
grabbed those dumbbells and work myself out. Exercise may be the ultimate anger
release. The dumbbells do not ask questions, they do not care that I am angry.
It is just me versus them for the next 30 minutes. Exercise releases endorphins
and when those endorphins are flowing they overtake the anger. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
These
days I do not get as angry as I use to. It is not that I will never get angry
again but I do believe I will not express my anger in ways that will hurt another
or myself anymore. I recognize that I am a very passionate person and I love
that about myself. I love myself when I am happy and I love myself when I am
angry. I have owned all parts of myself and that has been the reason I have
changed parts of myself. I no longer run from my anger or stuff it down,
instead I open myself up, admit that the anger is there and then I do what I
need to do to learn from it and let it go. </div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-69302211576025540512012-11-22T06:58:00.000-08:002012-11-22T06:58:05.295-08:00I am Grateful...
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I
am going to say something so cliché right now but what a difference a year can
make. My how the world can change and turn out for the better if you have faith
rely on those you love, and keep moving forward. One year ago today I spent
Thanksgiving by myself. One year ago today I was sleeping on a friends couch.
One year ago today I was unemployed. One year ago today my wife told me she did
not want to be married anymore. One year ago today the foundation that was my
life was completely shook to its very core. And yet here I am 365 days later
with so much to be grateful for. The list is truly endless and most likely I am
forgetting some people, some experiences, some other truly beautiful things but
I cannot help but be grateful today. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And
while I have been practicing gratitude on a regular basis, Thanksgiving is such
a symbolic day to really take the time and reflect on all that is good in our
lives. I truly believe by making an honest effort to find the things that our
working in our lives will produce more things in our lives to be grateful for. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Cheryl
Richardson one of my favorite authors suggests using a gratitude journal and
writing down daily 10-15 things in your life you are grateful for. Here is my
list for today in no particular order:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->1.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->I am grateful for Angela, David, Zach, Logan,
and Melanie. That family has been my unwavering base of support throughout my
life and especially over the course of the last 365 days when I needed them the
most. They never judged me when I called and told them where I was at or what I
was struggling with. They never told me things I did not want to hear, they
simply open their hearts, their homes, and their lives, and stood by me as I
went through my struggles. And of course those children can make any day
better. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->2.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->I am grateful for Luke and Amanda for the
constant late night “conference calls” and how they help would sit back and
listen as I cried, yelled, or simply expressed my dismay over my current
situation. Those two define what
loyalty is all about.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->3.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->I am grateful for Matt and how we have been
friends since basically the start of our lives. For a man who went through in
my opinion a far worse divorce than I did he would still take the time to open
up his heart and his home, put his own feelings in check and help me through
such a challenging time I am forever grateful. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->4.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->I am so grateful to my entire family. My mother has been one of my biggest
cheerleaders during this last year and my life in general. I have so many
wonderful aunts, uncles, cousins, and so forth and one of the best parts of
moving back to Minnesota is how I have been able to see my family on such a
regular basis. My uncle Carl and Aunt Maria have open their door and their
hearts to me so much, even as they go through their own challenges right now
they still take the time to make me an amazing breakfast. I am so grateful to
have such a wonderful family. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->5.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->I am so grateful to my beautiful sister Ally who
might possibly be my biggest supporter. Ally is like the enforcer for me who
doesn’t take any crap from anyone. She has been a symbol of strength for me
when I was not willing to get angry. She helps me express my frustrations in a
healthy way. And she knows how to get me to have fun.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->6.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->I am grateful to Meredith for all that her and I
went through. It is hard to believe for the last year I thought I would never
get over her and especially never see the good in what we went through. But I
was willing to do the work truly look at myself and I have found so many gifts
in my divorce. I have grown so much from the struggles and am so grateful to
her not only for the divorce but also for all the good times we had. I loved
her so much and a part of me still does. But I love her enough that I was
willing to let her go and move on. We both deserve happiness in our lives and
on this day I am grateful for our time we had together and wish her nothing but
the best. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->7.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->As Veterans Day just came and went I am so
grateful for my time in the military. I am so proud to say that I served. I saw
so many amazing places in the world. I am grateful for all of the friends I
made. I am grateful for all of the experiences, all that the military taught
me. I am grateful that the military taught me that I could face fear head on
and live to talk about it. I love that I shared a bed with Matt in Afghanistan,
stood side by side with John outside the wire in Iraq, and for Dylan as he let
me mess with him so bad when I was hammered in South Korea. The military was a
challenging experience but as the years have passed I truly realized how much I
have gained from those years.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->8.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->I am grateful to Richard and Shannon. They took
me and totally changed their entire lives for a short period of time when I had
nowhere else to turn. Looking back staying with Richard and Shannon truly saved
my life when I moved out from my home. Richard got me to laugh, have fun, and
get up and out when I need it the most. Shannon provided me with an ear and a
heart when I would break down and cry. Their beautiful baby provided me with a never-ending
source of happiness. And their wonderful dog provided me with a healthy outlet
when I didn’t have my own dogs around. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->9.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->I am so very grateful for Spencer and Fitz the
most perfect creatures ever. My dogs have been the biggest pillars of strength
in my life. They have the most perfect energy, always love me, are always
excited to see me, forgive me instantly when I make mistakes, force me to get
up and out even when I may not want to, snuggle up to me when I need it and so
much more. I am convinced my puppies are Angels God sent to me to look after
me. Even when times are great they are still such a strong reminder of the
importance to live in the moment. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->10.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->I am grateful for Miss Michelle and the love she
has brought into my life. I am grateful that I can truly be myself around her,
be vulnerable, be hyper, get drunk, get angry, I can just be me when I am with
her and I am grateful that she accepts all of me. I am grateful that she showed
me it is ok to open my heart again. I am so grateful for the chemistry we have,
the energy we share, it is truly incredible. I am grateful for her children and
how much fun we have together. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.5in;">
11. And of course to anyone who takes the time to read my silly little blog, I am grateful for you. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is such a beautiful feeling that arises in me as I sit
here and reflect on all of the good in my life. So many people and things that
did not get mentioned in this list. I could write for days about all of the
people who have had a positive affect in my life and still not mention
everyone. I have been blessed with so many amazing people in my life. Today I
am truly thankful for all that I have in my life, all that I had in my life,
and all that I will have in my life. </div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-79623752335881421172012-10-25T05:42:00.003-07:002012-10-25T05:42:53.902-07:00I might not...
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I might not make as much money as I would like,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I have a fun job that pays me pretty well, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps at times I spend more money then I should,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I have a plan in place and am getting better,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I might not live in a swanky apartment in downtown St. Paul
yet,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I am lucky enough to live with one of my best friends of
over 20 years, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps I could take that place that got offered to me last
week,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I know that right now the time is not right,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I might not have the perfect degree or the right educational
background,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I loved my program and learned so much, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps I will yet again return to school to explore more
options,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But right now I am enjoying not having homework,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I might not have a body that will end up on the cover of a
fitness magazine,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I look pretty damn good with my shirt off,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps my body will continue to get stronger, leaner, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But fitness is a marathon not a sprint,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I might not always do the best workouts,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I will find ways to be active every single day,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps I do not always eat healthy and avoid sweets,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But most days my diet revolves around eating foods that help
my body thrive,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I might not always be jumping out of my pants happy,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But life is about the ups and the downs, and I have
discovered how to embrace the good and the bad, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps I am not always suppose to be happy,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But instead learn how to roll with the punches, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I might not always be cool, calm, and collected, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I continue to practice meditation daily and my anxiety has
damn near left my life completely, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps at times I am too judgmental, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But as I continue to evolve I try to see the best in
everyone, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I might not always be accepting,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I will do my best to understand your point of view,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps I am a little too strong-minded; perhaps I demand
the attention of the room a little too often,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I will listen to you with an open mind and an open
heart,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I might not always be the best friend I can be,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But when times are tough and you need me I will be there,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps I could be a better son, a better brother,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I love my family the best I can,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I might not have been the best husband I could have been,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I did a lot of things right and I am committed to
understanding my mistakes and moving forward,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps at times I have gone against the little voice in my
head even when I knew I should not,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But that little voice has never left and will continue to
guide me,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I might piss you off at times, hurt your feelings, say
something mean,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I hope you understand it is never about you but instead
a reflection of the struggles I have within,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps there are more things I could do right, more things
I should know, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I am committed to continual improvement for myself,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I might at times get lost in focusing on the negatives,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But more and more I am grateful for the positives,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So it is obvious I am not perfect but here is the key that I
have learned and try to embrace everyday:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I AM ENOUGH </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-20194530961658299532012-10-23T06:42:00.000-07:002012-10-23T06:57:40.840-07:00It is in the works:A preview of what I have been working on:<br />
<br />
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Clearly we had both wronged each other so
much that we failed to see the beauty of each other’s eyes. Clearly we were so
caught up in our anger and distrust for each other that we forgot we lived in
sunny Southern California. Clearly we let the loneliness of that moment block
us to the memories of our 7 years together. Clearly we were both so lost in
that exact moment that we forgot how much we loved each other when we got
married. Clearly the anxiety of that car ride had become so negative we forgot
how much anticipation there once was.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"> It was obvious the magic that had once convinced a woman to
move to California and take a chance was now replaced by the disappointment
that it turned out this way. It was obvious that there was such a strong disgust
now that we forgot how much lust their once was. It was obvious that we had
totally forgotten about those qualities that we had come to love because we
were so focused on the qualities that we hated about each other. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">That car ride home I will never forget. As
she poured out feelings of how frustrated she was I poured out mine too. Her
frustrations took the shapes of all the times I had wronged her. As neither of
us would let each other’s words through the tension continued to mount. Like a
cannon I went off. In a moment of fury I threw my cell phone and in an instant
her windshield cracked from top to bottom. Immediately I knew in I had gone too far. I never intended to throw it but at that time my anger had not learned of healthier methods of release. As I stared at the cracks in the windshield she froze. Caught
in fear, instinct took over for her. She got us home and blocked out my
worthless attempts to beg for her forgiveness. That very moment marks the
instance she knew she was done. No longer was she going to be a victim. No longer
was she going to be in a relationship where she had to feel scared, worthless,
and taken advantage of. No longer was she going to stay in a marriage that made
her unhappy. In her mind that broken windshield represented our broken marriage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">As I sat on the couch yelling at myself I
knew it was over. She told me it was time for me to go. Shaken to my very core I know I failed to realize the true seriousness of the situation. My marriage was over, my wife was gone, the switch was flipped and there was no getting her back. And yet I asked myself how could she tell
me she wanted a separation? How fucking selfish of her. I was not ready to quit, I was not ready to throw in the towel. I was ready to keep fighting. However, my relationship did not need anymore fighting, in needed peace and love, and fighting for it was the last way more love was going to come about. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">As the therapist said, “I think it would be
best if you two took a break for a while” fear set in. Reluctantly I agreed against my own inner-voice to move
out at the end of the month. Scared of what lay before me she grabbed my hand.
The simple gesture of her touching my hand when I was so scared filled me with hope. As we walked out of the office hand and hand I knew we could make this right. I knew she was still there, hanging on by a thread but still there. Right there I swore to myself I was going to do everything in my power to win
her back. I just knew I was going to get her back. I was so convinced that I
would fix this...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-31247616043781274442012-08-01T18:31:00.000-07:002012-08-01T18:31:07.364-07:00For my father;<style>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Praying to my God to look after him and help him heal, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Truth be told there are probably a lot of things I wish my
dad would have done differently,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In all reality I really wish he had been able to be there
more for me as a child,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How long can I as an adult try to dish off some of my
problems on my parents,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But here is what I know,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know I have grown into a pretty decent man,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And if it were not for the trials and tribulations I went
through with my father I may not be the man that stands here today,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know that as I have grown my dad has grown,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is hard to let go of the past,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know that we as men, as boys, we both still have so much
more room for growth, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know that when I stand side-by-side with my father we can
do it together,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I have grown older looked into myself and done some of
the tough work my father has done it too,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I take pride in knowing that we have been like father like
son as we have both made the choice to lead a better life,,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The steps my father has taken in recent years to release the
demons of his past were probably some of the longest steps he has ever taken, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know we both have many more steps to take,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am proud to call John Munkholm my father because he knows
he is not perfect but he continues to push on, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I aim to embrace some of the great qualities my father has, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I look up to him because when he shows me sides of him
that he is not as proud of he respects me for trying to be more than that,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I love my dad because he never gave up on me even when I
wanted to give up on myself,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As my life has changed and I have blossomed out into my own
entity my father has not always understood my choices but always appreciated
the diversity of my opinion, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My father has continued more and more to embrace many of my
lifestyle choices and still remains firm in what he believes, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Every time I meet one of my father’s new friends they speak
so highly of his children and the pride he has in my sisters and I are reflective
in their words,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I may not always agree with my father and he may frustrate me
at times but as I grow I have learned to love him so much that I can just let
my dad be my dad and let go of all the bull shit that tries to get in the way. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I love you dad, get well soon. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-42872500352486003322012-07-15T08:33:00.000-07:002012-07-16T07:18:21.753-07:00No title would work for this one<style>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Guilt is such a powerful emotion and it has been a rock in
my rollercoaster of emotions lately. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fact: I am now divorced.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Story I keep telling myself: It is all my fault, I could
have listened better, I should have asked more questions, I could have gotten
help sooner, maybe if I would of just behaved a little differently, what if,
what if, what if.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Truth: I made a lot of mistakes in my marriage. I projected
unhappiness and anger onto my wife that she did not deserve to deal with. This
was a major downfall of my marriage and as I write this I am willing to accept
that truth. However, on my eternal quest for inner peace and happiness the
struggles I went through created a compassion for others within me that I
believe is the greatest gift I bring to this life. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fact: I did the best with the tools I had. I always tried to
show her love even if it was not the way she wanted it. I loved her so much and
I showed her love in the way that I knew. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Story: I allowed myself to believe that my love was not good
enough for her. I allowed myself to believe that I did not deserve her. I
created such an elaborate story within my psyche that was like a record on
repeat: you are not worthy, you are not good enough, and you do not deserve
this life. I allowed myself to believe that I was never going to meet her
standards. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Truth: I showed her the most love I could and knew how with
what I had at the time. I made her amazing dinners, wrote her beautiful love
letters, bought her flowers, gave her back rubs, went to concerts I did not
like, went out when I had migraines and was so dizzy I could barely stand just
so she would not get mad at me. Could I have listened better, sure who
couldn’t? Could I have gotten help sooner for my anger, absolutely? Does she have a list a mile long of all things I did wrong, most likely? Could I have... But I did
not, for whatever reason I was not ready to face those parts of myself. But I
was always there and never would have thrown in the towel on our relationship. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fact: She decided to end the marriage. She was the one who
did not want to go counseling, she was the one who checked out. She even told
me she had checked out long before it had gotten to the day when she asked me
to leave. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Story: I have
beaten myself up so much for the end of my marriage and I am a major contributor
to how the story ended. I allowed myself for the last year to believe that I am
the one and only reason things came to an end. I allowed her to manipulate me
and make me believe that it was jut me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Truth: We both fucked up and we both fucked up bad. The
truth of the matter is she did what she felt she had to do; I cannot hold that
against her. Our entire relationship I always wished she would be more
assertive, put her foot down, not let people walk all over her. Well I will be
damned she is no longer easy to pushover. She is assertive, what a gift I was
able to give her and someday she will most likely know this. It is unfortunate
it came about the way it did but the universe works in mysterious ways
sometimes. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fact: I went to war twice and it really fucked me up
mentally.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Story: For so long I never talked about what took place, I
still really do not. I have always felt that I should not have any issues from
going to war because I was not the guy kicking down the doors, many of the
people I was with did not appear to be afraid, because many of my close friends
had it harder than I did.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Truth: Going to war is fucking scary. It scared the shit out
of me, twice in my life I lived in constant fear and anxiety of when the
next round may hit, what if the locals have a bomb on them, what if I do not
come back home. These are legitimate fears that I faced and have held inside
for so long. Yes I was up in a cherry picker when a rocket hit just outside of
the base and yes it has left a major scar in my mind. I have never really slept
right since I went to war, I rarely make it through a night, I still have
nightmares sometimes, and I still have no desire to go watch fireworks. The
fact of the matter is it was hard for me. It may not have been as hard for
others or maybe it was that no longer matters. Right here and now I know that I
was scared, I know that it was hard on my marriage, my family, and on me. I
also know now that it is over I am so proud that I faced fear head on and the
gifts the war brought to me are so profound. I wear a tattoo on my arm that says
“we are all one” and going to war has instilled that belief in me. I know that
war and violence is not the answer. I have so much respect for the military
now and what they do. I have so much respect for the wives and families that
stay behind and support those of us who are gone. I will never forget how
Meredith would answer the phone no matter what time, not tell me about her
problems so we could focus on me, I will always love how she stood relentlessly by my side while I was gone, I am so grateful for how my family would send
me anything I need. Thank you. I am pretty sure all of those skeletons are not
yet gone but it will come in time. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fact: Meredith was absolutely amazing to me for the first
few years of our marriage. Never had I had someone who supported me so much,
she believed in me more than I believed in myself, she stood by me when I went
to war, she helped me when I wrecked my back, she supported me when I was broke,
she explored with me when I wanted to try something new, for lack of a better
word she was perfect. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Truth: Meredith was amazing but the image I had held onto in
my mind as our marriage got worse was no longer there. There are certain standards she held for me that I
was never going to be able to meet. My efforts to redeem myself fell by the waste
side because she checked out long before our marriage came to an end. For her my efforts came a little to late. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My
marriage to Meredith was an amazing time in my life. A chapter that come to a
close. I have released the anger that I have towards her because I understand
she did what she felt she had to do. I know I was committed to making our
marriage work, and she too was committed to making it work. Our plans simply
did not align and unfold in the exact same manner. I have been doing my best to
release the guilt, looking deeply inside myself, praying for help and I feel as
I am writing this I am letting more of that guilt go. I must forgive myself
because there have been so many great lessons that have come from this already.
So much growth I have made. I have become a better man because of the storm I
just went through. I can see it in my eyes, believe it in my mind, and feel it
in my soul.<br />
<br />
I will always love Meredith but our time has come to an end. I wish
only the best for her I will hold close to my heart the many great memories I
have of her. I will never forget how cute she is when she gets cold or how
great her smile is when she laughs or how beautiful she looks when her hair fell over her face just right. I am choosing let go of the guilt because I
cannot change the past. I am choosing to let go of the guilt because no matter
how much I beat myself up it will not change the past, it will not bring her
back, it will not make her love me again. I am sad and I do believe I lost
something great, but it is done, she is gone, I am here. I am scarred but I have
healed and will keep healing.<br />
<br />
I am not perfect but I have changed, am changing. She is such a
beautiful woman and deserves nothing but happiness in her life and I am such a
great guy that I deserve it too. The only true way to let the happiness come is
to cut that final tie, to say my last goodbye, to look at myself in the mirror
and say Anthony I forgive you deeply and completely for the mistakes that you
have made. I am proud of you for learning the beautiful lessons of this chapter
in your life. Anthony I have always been here, you are whole, and you do not
need another because I have myself.<br />
<br />
I am not perfect. I am cocky, I can be
arrogant, and I can be selfish, I can be angry. These are parts of me that are
as real as the parts of me that are love, and compassion, and hope. Just as
Meredith is anger, sadness, she too is filled with beauty and love. Our time
has simply come to an end. I no longer wish to regret what is gone but rather
look forward to what is coming. I do not know what the future holds but I know
that when I take a leap of faith and surrender to myself and my God the life I
think I am suppose to have fizzles a way and the life I am meant to have will
shine through.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I sit here and write I feel like I am peeling away layers
of myself. I feel like I am getting to the heart of the person that is me. I
have searched for myself in books, in Meredith, in my friends, but never truly
within myself. I have tried to make my life happen, make my health happen, make
my dreams happen and yes effort is required but I have failed to stop so many
times and just look at myself and say this is me. Right now this is me, I will become more, I will wish and desire more, hope to grow more, evolve more but right now this is me in the flesh. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I always believed right up until this next word that self-actualization
was suppose to be some big dramatic moment in my life filled with an intense
story such as the life of the Buddha or Jesus. Well here is my truth, my story
is unfolding right here and now, in this life, not the past, not the future but
right here and now. I am a powerful person. I had a great friend tell me that I
am like a fire hose. I do not know my own power; just as a fire hose is reckless
when unattended it will cause damage. However, when the fire hose is controlled
and focused it produces so much energy that no fire is too big to be put out.<br />
<br />
So
this is I guess a battled-tested human being. I am an intelligent, funny, cocky,
selfish, selfless person. I like to get up early, I do not really like to
drink but do, I love California, I like Minnesota, I love to kick my ass in the gym, I
love to eat healthy, I love to write, I love to debate my views, I love how I
do not know everything but I try to get educated, I love how some people like
my brother in law challenge me so much, he really helps me affirm what I believe
what a great gift, I love to be with my friends, I can be a real asshole, I can
be very judging, I can be very warm, I will give you the shirt of my back. I believe in the power of my thought and practice affirmations daily, I
am very liberal in some views, I think it is absolutely wrong that we are the
only nation in the world that does not have universal health care, I think this
country spends too much money, I love my family, I am so grateful that I have
my dogs, I really miss Meredith sometimes, I tend to be too hard on myself, I
am still searching for some parts of my life, I believe I do not need to find
it all yet, I believe you are not suppose to every have it all, I like who I
am, I have made some mistakes, I have made some poor decisions, I have made
some amazing decisions, I tend to ramble, I love to listen to good stories, I
love that Char stood by my side through the toughest time of my life, I love
that last night I poured my heart out to her and she said the sweetest thing to
me that melted my heart, I want to write a book but am afraid to fail, I love to
open up now, I am like an unfinished story, I do not really care what you think of me,
I will always be honest with you, I have learned from my lies, I get really
anxious sometimes, so anxious that I feel like I am having a heart attack,
sometimes I still want to do drugs but I wont, sometimes I eat an entire jar of
peanut butter when I am feeling sorry for myself, sometimes I listen to my ego,
other times I listen to my spirit, I spend too much money, I donate my time, I
love beautiful women, I like to flirt, I am a great flirt, I can romance a woman better than most, I am trustworthy, I
am good looking, I love how ripped my arms are. I love to be outside, I miss
the ocean, I love to hike with my dogs, I love to get downright shit faced with
Luke, Matt, Amanda, I am so grateful to be home because I love my friends and
have missed them dearly. I am so grateful to be home because I love my family
and it is nice knowing I can just see them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So here I am feeling really good about myself knowing that
life is not suppose to be perfect. Feeling like I have just made some peace
with myself, knowing that the most important part of my life right now is to
always have my faith.</div>Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-61957451913610767632012-06-23T14:37:00.002-07:002012-06-24T04:33:57.415-07:00Finding Balance with My BodyA brutal assessment and honest look at my constant pursuit of the perfect body:<br />
<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why do we continue to run when our knees are clearly
shouting no? Why do we continue to do heavy lifting when our backs are clearly
asking for some rest? Why do we stress ourselves out so much that we began to
manifest physical symptoms such as headaches or ulcers? Why do we eat a huge
bowl of ice cream when we say we want to lose weight? Why do we smoke
cigarettes when we clearly know they our destroying our bodies? So many of us
have a struggle with our body in one-way or another, this is mine…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I exercise way too much; it is never enough, my body hurts
and aches. But I keep exercising. I need to exercise, I am a personal trainer,
how can I not exercise; I must keep exercising to live up to the expectations I
have put on myself. I succumb to the expectations of others, that I should have
this perfect body, all knowing; obviously he must feel great and look great. I
may have a slight obsession, I may have a little problem, I exercise when I am
tired, I exercise when I am sore, I exercise when I am sick. I also exercise
when I feel great but sometimes that is the scariest because I will go and go
and go. I know I am wired a little different, I love to be sore. It reminds me
that I have been productive. There is something so comforting to me when it
hurts to walk up stairs or when I have trouble washing my hair because my chest
is so sore. I do know that I would rather be sore and in shape than fat and
lazy. I know that I will take the pain in my back over the chance of developing
diabetes or having a heart attack because I am 30 pounds overweight. I would
rather put my head down at night knowing I probably over did it instead of
knowing my big butt did not even get off the couch. I love being able to do 100
push-ups or run a 6 minute mile, I love being confident in a tight fitting
shirt, I am happy that my stomach does not jiggle when I brush my teeth. I do
think it is better to be on the end of the spectrum where you work your body
too hard rather than not enough. I think pain is more manageable then all of the
health-related problems that can come with being overweight.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But what if I could find a better balance? What if I could
take that guy who sits at home and eat McDonalds and gets winded walking up the
stairs and combine him with a guy who would not dare touch a fast-food chain
and will do deadlifts even when his back is killing him? Is there a potential
to find balance with my body? The answer is a definitive yes. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am beginning to really take to heart the thoughts that are
coming to my mind. So often we just assume we think what we think at random.
There is a method in the way the thoughts we form come to fruition. I have
listened to those voices in so many areas of my life it is time to start
listening to the voice that tells me how I can find that balance. It is there I
hear it all the time, I just ignore it. I love my ego, he is the source of much
of the pain in my life and also the reason I can snatch a 62-pound kettlebell.
I continue to ask for help and I know all of the answers are within me. When I start
to think about working out and my gut is telling me that my body needs a rest I
am usually the one who listens to my ego instead and hits it even harder. I do
it because I am not happy with my body. I need to get rid of that one extra
inch or tighten up just a little bit more. I do not like that my lower chest
has not caught up to my upper chest. It bothers me that my lower abs just do
not want to pop through unless I starve myself. It bothers me that if my back
is not hurting than my shoulder is. It is not to say I do not like parts of my
body but the parts I like are not presenting me with this challenge that I am
so truthfully admitting right here and now.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With all of my years in the fitness industry I have come to
the realization that personal trainers tend to have the poorest body image. It
is not my clients who are overweight, it is those of us who are the ones
offering the training. This is why we work at gyms, nothing is more important
than getting in that extra workout.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I love to grind out the weights. For me nothing is more
exhilarating than the pump that comes with another massive set of chest presses
or squats. And I do not think I need to abandon it all together but I know in
my heart that there is a better way to train my body. Often times I do train my
body better. There are new methods, more efficient, faster, and just as
productive. My goals are changing. It use to be to have the most perfect “six-pack”
or to be able to bench 340 (which I have done), now it is to be pain-free, be
more functional with my exercise, feel loser in my joints, have the pain in my
back subside. I know how to do this. I do this with my clients all the time. I
train them to be functionally strong. The knowledge is there, it really is not
that hard from a physically standpoint, it is the mental side of me, my ego
that tells me to pick up an even heavier dumbbell. And then I have to ask
myself what happens when you can press the 120lbs dumbbells for a set of 10, I
will just want more. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is a balance within this body. I do believe Lance
Armstrong was right when he said the day you are satisfied with your fitness
level is the day you lose the battle. But I think I took it a little bit wrong.
It does not mean that I constantly need to belittle my body, beat-up my body.
For me it means doing workouts that are more efficient, sticking to this
commitment I have of trying new things, changing my routine, doing more yoga
like I keep hearing in my gut. I know how great I feel after a yoga class but I
get into these ruts where I do not want to go. I am deeply afraid that I will
lose my muscle tone if I change up the way I workout. And truth be told if I
really listen to what my body is saying chances are my body will look even
better and I will feel even better. Chances are I will get even stronger and
move easier, and wake up less stiff, and yet I generally go right back to
isolating my shoulders which really serves no functional purpose. I sure look
damn good in the mirror when I can press those weights up above my head, and
there is nothing to say that I cannot still do that but lifting when I am sore
and hurt and sick has got to stop. Running on the treadmill when my back is
hurting is so not a good idea. Sitting at home after a tough workout and having
tingling in my thighs is only my fault when I do deadlifts because the
adrenaline was pumping and I checked logical reasoning at the door. Sure all
the pain goes away when the workout is going strong, but afterwards you really
know its there. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am not always in pain but there is a reoccurring cycle
going on right now and I can if I wish put it to an end. I do not expect to
always feel perfect and I do not always hurt either but there is a better way
for me and I am taking the first long over due step in this journey. I am
holding myself accountable to my body by sharing it here. I have the knowledge,
the know how and the heart. I fill my body with only the finest foods, I drink
plenty of water, and I do so many things right for my body so why not take it
to the next level by stepping it down a notch. There is an oxymoron at its
finest. I bet I will be amazed as my body starts to feel even better and look
even better by doing a little less. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Goal 1: I will learn to love my body regardless of how it
feels or looks. I will love not only my well-defined arms and shoulders but
also that little bit of stubborn pudge around my stomach. I will love my nice
smile and even the tiny bit of hair that is starting to grow on my back. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Goal 2: I am going to stop comparing myself to others. There
is no benefit in comparing. I know from a physical standpoint when I walk into
the gym there are many who wish they were in shape like me. Little do they know
(until now) I merely need to open a muscle magazine and I too start to wish I
looked like those fitness models.
It is good to have focus and goals of how I want my body to look but I
will never develop a realistic expectation of what or how I want my body to
look and feel like when I continue to look for answers outside of myself. My body knows what its ideal shape and
size should be and when I truly give it that chance things will unfold, as they
should. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Goal 3: I do not necessarily need to be pain-free. I love
the soreness that comes with a good workout and that is a very healthy type of pain
to feel. However, I am going to become pain-free when it comes to injuries. If
my back is hurting I will take a day off or go easy. If my shoulder is wound-up
I will not do presses. This is going to be a major challenge for me, one that I
am willing to take on. There is no guarantee either that I will never get hurt
again, I could get hurt at random but I have a certain say in how things will
go and I will take control of those factors. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Goal 4: I will alter my current workout structure to include
new things. I am so damn comfortable in the weight room and it truly serves a
purpose but with the education and knowledge I have there are so many things I
could be doing that would benefit my body more. I will still get the burn,
still get that amazing high. I will still train with weights because I like how
it feels and how it makes my body look but I will let go of being so focused on
atheistic. Instead I am going to try to practice more of my motto I use with
clients; we need to train to be functionally strong. My obsession with push-ups
and pull-ups can stay; there is no excuse to not be able to do a push-up or a
pull-up. Pushing and pulling is a way of life and you better be able to do it.
Spider-man may not always be there to rescue us when we are stuck hanging from
the edge of a building! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Goal 5: I know in my heart that we get in life what we think
about and what we expect. I have a shift that must occur. It is almost as if I
anticipate pain or injury. I watch people in the gym workout with terrible form
and some of them never get hurt. How is this so? How is it that I get hurt I am
all about good form, almost too focused on form? I will never conduct an
exercise that I cannot do without perfect form. Here is what I have discovered
it is all in the mindset. It is not necessarily that I am thinking I will get
hurt. But often times when I work out I am doing it to try to prevent something
bad from happening, or a fear that I will get fat, or a fear that I will be
diagnosed with a disease that exercise could have surely prevented. While it is
admirable that I am so “health-conscious” I now see that much of my focus is on
fear. Fear of what can go wrong, fear of what has gone wrong, fear of not
having a good enough body, fear of getting sick or hurt. It is time to put my
focus back onto why I got into exercise in the first place, because it is so
much damn fun. Focus on the thrill of getting stronger, looking leaner, feeling
better. Yes it is great to be informed and keep up with what is going on but the
fact that I sit here and write right now is a strong sign that much of my focus
may have been misguided. I do not fault myself, my intentions are great, I have
helped so many get healthier and feel better and it is because I got them to
believe in the best. I help them to find hope and know they can do better. I
need to take that same mentality and apply it to myself. What an “aha” moment in my life. I do
not need to continue to look for the next best vitamin or find the next best
exercise. I have such a wealth of knowledge it is time to let go of my constant
pursuit of how I can be better and just be. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-46055513555220108602012-06-06T11:35:00.001-07:002012-06-06T15:54:07.270-07:00My Heart<style>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was not until very recently that I came to the
realization that wearing my heart on my sleeve may not be where it is most
comfortable, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wearing my heart on my sleeve projects need,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wearing my heart on my sleeve creates expectations, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In these moments I am not being myself and I am setting
myself up for disappointment,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The aching in my gut whispering that this is not who you
really are,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps trying to fill a void, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A void that no other person but myself can fill,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is nothing that I need,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is nothing I must do or be,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is me, in the flesh, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Strong, compassionate, genuine, and pure,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wearing my heart over my chest,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bleeding out love and faith,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Radiating peace and hope,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Creating desire upon desire,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is where my heart belongs,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am not afraid to give my heart because this is who I am,<br />
I try to honor my emotions and share what I am feeling, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is power in the ability to be who I really am,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And there is weakness in my mindless attempts to be what I am
not,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Being true to myself allows me to be true to you, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is strength in honesty,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I must be honest with myself even if it does not produce
what my mind thinks it wants,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I will try to listen to my heart and give it to all, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My heart does not want to be restricted,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Giving love to even those that feel inside all they have is
fear,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even opening my heart to those who may hate,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No regrets but rather circumstances that allowed me to
create a brighter future, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Releasing guilt because I worked with what I had,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pride in living through my heart,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Guided from my center, giving it without exception,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Enjoying the fun for what it was, is, and still may be, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My heart belongs on my chest, and when I keep it there and
stay centered I am the person that I know I am meant to be,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Reminding my heart it does not need to be on my sleeve
because I am all that I need,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even though it can be hard for some to give up their heart I
will give you mine; </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Take it or leave it this is who I am. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-7854185720783259902012-05-18T09:49:00.001-07:002012-05-18T09:50:52.414-07:00No title...<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is my time to enjoy life, without regret or remorse that
things are going my way. I do not believe that we as humans must struggle but I
do believe when we do and we get through it we enjoy things so much more. I
have put in my time, I have been through some struggles, and yet here I am with
a massive smile on my face and a huge sense of anticipation with what is to
come. Is everything perfect right now? Of course not, my back is stiff, I sold
all of my possessions, and I am leaving behind many people and places that mean
so much to me. And yet here I am actually really excited about what is to come.
Drooling over the fact that I have 22 days off of work. When will I have
another opportunity like this, I am not sure. So excited to see my family, my
friends, cannot wait to wrap my arms around her. So ready to take a trip to the
lake house with my best friends, grab some beers, catch some fish, just like
the old days!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Planning on recording my thoughts along the way, really
hoping to dig deeper into my soul on this road trip. Oh how it feels so right. I
am also not fooling myself though, I am very nervous about my new job, about
new possibilities, about leaving the people here who held me up when I was
down. I know my hard work is why I am in the position I am in and I know that I
will have to keep working hard to keep this momentum going. One thing is for
sure though, I believe in myself more right now than I ever have. This is not
to sound cocky or arrogant but if I am not my biggest fan than who is? We
should all be so wise to the benefits of being our own biggest fan. I am firmly
committed to not beating myself up, although I most likely still will. I
promise to myself to love myself even when things look gloom. I am doing my
best to just know my worth even when it feels better not to. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hope I continue to find inspiration from within and I hope
my light I feel affects others in a positive way. I promise to myself to
continue to be brutally honest with myself. I love this blog, I love writing, and
I feel that I hold myself a little more responsible for my feelings and actions
by making them public. I do not really care if anyone reads this but I know for
me it reaffirms my commitments and my beliefs that I hold so dear to my heart.
I know I treat people well, I know I wear my heart on my sleeve and that will
never change. I believe in the good in people and if it burns me then so be it.
I will recover, I always do. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I love that I ramble so much. I am not even sure if I am making
sense but that is the beauty of my creative side. When I let go the words just
seems to flow. Plus if I write down what I am thinking I do not seem as crazy
as when someone pulls up next to me at a red-light and sees me talking to myself.
Although one strength I have always admired is that I really am not too
concerned with what others think, if I did I would not publish my posts.
However, I do thrive when I get feedback good or bad, I am honored that individuals
take time out of there day to venture around in my mind. I know I get lost in
there a lot so I can only imagine trying to keep up with me. I am getting
closer and closer to writing my book; I know God will bring it to me when the
time is right. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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I look forward to writing even more now that school is over.
More energy towards the things that bring me joy. School was great but you
better believe I am so thrilled that it is over. Perhaps every day, perhaps my
blog will grow in size, perhaps I will write for magazines and books, perhaps I
may just continue to write for myself and see where it goes. It does not matter
who and who does not like my writing, if I write for myself and stay to true to
who I am the rest will fall into place in just the way it should. </div>Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-61534776543714234552012-05-10T07:20:00.000-07:002012-05-10T07:20:03.381-07:00Moving on...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-85ndHtHvLZ4/T6vN7LcgXYI/AAAAAAAAAHk/hCQAFAmnue4/s1600/devils-beach.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-85ndHtHvLZ4/T6vN7LcgXYI/AAAAAAAAAHk/hCQAFAmnue4/s320/devils-beach.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I have a desire to come back,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel this California adventure may be coming to an end, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The journey has been amazing, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The memories will never be forgotten, </div>
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I will visit often, </div>
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<br /></div>
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I know I will miss the smell of the ocean and the feel of the sand between my toes on the beach,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I will daydream often about the beautiful sunsets,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know I will think I am crazy when I once again feel the bitter cold,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I will daydream often about those special places I have come to love so much, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I discovered so much about myself in the last nine years,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have swam to the depths of my soul,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have soared to the heavens, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>have drown in
my sorrows, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have made some incredible friends that I will miss dearly,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Trained some amazing people who I grew so close to, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Been to the best spots California has to offer,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have done my best to take this state for all it has to
offer,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have traveled the world, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Been to places I would have never imagined I would go, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have stood side by side with my brothers and faced fear
head on, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have witnessed indescribable destruction and violence, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And yet I also witnessed a beautiful display of unity and
strength as we came together to make sure we made it back home, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I fell down drunk in the streets of South Korea,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ate food so spicy I thought my face was melting, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I got a glimpse of Germany and a taste of Ireland,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ate sushi and drank Saki in Japan,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I broke my back,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I never gave up, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I got migraines,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I stayed strong,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I blew a hernia, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I realized sometimes I need to slow down, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I broke my body,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I broke my mind,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I lost my spirit,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And yet I never gave up,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I fell in love,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Married that love,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pushed it to the edge, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And watched it slip away,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I cried a river,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I got so mad I could feel it in my veins,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I laughed so hard my stomach hurt, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had so much fun I felt high,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I tried to snowboard,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ran a mountain,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Rode a segway,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And tried to stand up and paddle board,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A rattlesnake almost took me out, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I came face to face with a mountain lion, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Had to keep the coyotes away,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And watched in amazement as the dolphins danced in the sea,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I walked in the ocean,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jogged in the sand,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ran in the street,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And play in the snow,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I ate the best fish tacos,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have meet so many amazing people,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Attended some of the best concerts of my life,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And smoked some of California’s finest weed,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I eagerly finished my bachelor’s, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Am grinding out my masters,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Became a certified personal trainer,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And out performed the rest,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Opened my mind up to a new way of thinking,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Started to believe in the power of meditation, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Discovered the power of the law of attraction,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Found my way back to My God,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have found myself, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am happy with who I am and who I am becoming,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I believe in myself and the way my life is headed, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am proud of myself for the work I put in,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At times I damn near quit,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was certain it would never get better,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But the spirit in me is strong,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The spirit in me never let me stop hoping, stop believing,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I found support from my family,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I found strength in my friends,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I found compassion from my God,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I found happiness from my boys,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know I miss my family,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know I miss my friends, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know my heart is pulling me in another new direction,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know that even if it does not happen now it will happen soon,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I love the laughs I just had,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I love being close to those who are so special to me,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I love the desire and hope that she has stirred up in me,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I so treasure those moments with those close to me, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I look forward to the days ahead, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I believe I know where I am suppose to go, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know it will all workout it the end, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I love all that I have become. </div>
<br />Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-85627868577440813972012-04-16T10:27:00.000-07:002012-04-16T10:30:32.306-07:00It comes roaring through me like a tidal wave,<br />
From the depths of my very being I feel the strength,<br />
I feel the essence of my true power,<br />
I look to the sky and know that I am still fucking here,<br />
<br />
The overwhelming sense of pride in myself when I think of all I have been through,<br />
The pure sense of accomplishment,<br />
Even a little satisfaction when I sit and think;<br />
I really am still here,<br />
Why should I not be my biggest fan,<br />
If not me than who,<br />
<br />
So many times I did not think I was going to make it,<br />
So many times I flat out did not want to make it,<br />
Taking that anger and turning it into motivation,<br />
Taking that sadness and turning it into hope,<br />
<br />
Taping into something here that needs to be released,<br />
Putting it into writing rather than smashing my fist,<br />
Almost wanting to taunt the Universe and say is that all you got,<br />
Knowing I am a survivor, I am a warrior, with the determination to never stop,<br />
<br />
Ignoring those constant voices in my head when they say no I cannot, <br />
No longer suffocating them in,<br />
Instead letting them go,<br />
Mocking them, laughing at myself for being such a fool,<br />
<br />
Trusting I have the power to do anything I want,<br />
Why not try,<br />
I sure as hell have told myself enough times that no I cannot,<br />
Why not trick my mind and myself and tell myself that Yes I Can,<br />
<br />
Standing my ground,<br />
I do not care what you think,<br />
I do not care if I go all over the place or make no sense,<br />
This is for me,<br />
This is how I proceed,<br />
<br />
Why do I try to convince myself that getting angry is so wrong,<br />
I no longer have to play that game,<br />
I can now express my anger in these healthy ways, rather than being told I am wrong,<br />
No more silly games, I have won,<br />
Now I recognize that feeling, I own it, and I let it go,<br />
Anger is a power, I like the power,<br />
It is no wonder it shows up in my life with such ease,<br />
<br />
It feels good to play in the darkness of my mind,<br />
Not trying to talk myself up just acknowledging this burning in my soul,<br />
It feels good right now,<br />
I feel so strong right now,<br />
I feel FREE!Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-50216623635870580342012-04-11T13:42:00.000-07:002012-04-11T13:42:48.760-07:00Take that crack and see just how much more pressure it can withstand,<br />
Inch by inch,<br />
As if the ground in front of my feet begins to shatter like glass with every step,<br />
My chest aches as I feel the disappointment rip through me,<br />
<br />
How strong am I suppose to be,<br />
Did I miss the sign,<br />
Am I lost ,<br />
Does not always feel like things are turning around,<br />
<br />
My back and shoulders have grown tired,<br />
My knees want to tremble,<br />
A quick glance in the mirror and my eyes look empty,<br />
The load continues to build,<br />
<br />
Where am I screwing up,<br />
Why do I feel like a few of these patterns will never stop,<br />
Such a fool I can be,<br />
This massive heart can be my own worst enemy,<br />
<br />
Slowly releasing the energy rather than waiting for it to erupt like a volcano,<br />
My body responds better to this methodical demise of these strong emotions,<br />
Honoring these feelings as they arise with my words,<br />
Knowing this time right here will allow me to heal.Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-56344120419580708832012-04-05T14:03:00.004-07:002012-04-05T14:07:07.047-07:00InspiredI want the girl with the beautiful hair next to me,<br /><br />I look left,<br />I look right,<br />I start to think she is nowhere in-sight,<br /> <br />I close my eyes and look inside, <br />Turns out she never left my mind.Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-2664387251712981592012-03-24T18:22:00.002-07:002012-03-24T19:13:21.225-07:00Anthony's PrayerDear God, <br /><br />I know you are aware of the struggles that I face, <br />and I know you have given me the tools to overcome these challenges.<br /><br />I know that you can sense my desire to be loved, <br />and I know you told me that my love lies within.<br /><br />I know that you are aware of my desire to rid my body of this resistance, <br />and I know you have also given me the strength to hold on until I am ready.<br /><br />I know that I continue to ask for help, <br />and you continue to bring me more and more teachers.<br /><br />I know I have not always been the most faithful, <br />and I know you never lost yours.<br /><br />I know I do not need you but I love to lean on you, I love to believe in you,<br />and I know you will pick me up when I fall,<br /><br />I know you and I are one in the same,<br />and I know that you are closer than I often remember,<br /><br />Thank you for my family,<br />I know they are the greatest gift I have ever received, <br /><br />Thank you for Meredith,<br />I know without her so many times I would have been lost,<br /><br />Thank you for my friends,<br />So many came rushing to my side when I needed them most,<br /><br />Thank you for this new spark in my life, <br />She brings a light to my day,<br /><br />I may have questioned, walked away, even damned you when my life has been tough <br />but deep within you never gave up.<br /><br />Please God continue to give me the strength that I need right now, <br />Please God help me continue to let go,<br /><br />You support has been and will be unwavering, <br />I thank you for your support and belief in me.<br /><br />While something’s in my life have not played out the way I plan,<br />I am learning to trust you more and have that faith I so often write about,<br /><br />My life has been a roller coaster the last few years, however one things is certain,<br />I am rediscovering myself and I am rediscovering my God<br /><br />Thank you for me,<br />Thank you for this life,<br /><br />Amen.Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-54200052826043079592012-03-12T19:00:00.003-07:002012-03-12T19:07:25.662-07:00Luke and Amanda's Wedding Day<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-H1Fgxc-xfi0/T16r00IgDvI/AAAAAAAAAHQ/Jy1knjcv4JA/s1600/yay.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-H1Fgxc-xfi0/T16r00IgDvI/AAAAAAAAAHQ/Jy1knjcv4JA/s320/yay.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5719197500642954994" /></a><br /><br /><br />I was so honored to be the best man in Luke and Amanda's wedding; two of the people I love more than anything in this world. Amanda had asked me to write a little something for their wedding and now that there special day has hopefully settled in I would love to share with everyone what I wrote. Hope you enjoy it:<br /><br /><br /><br />As we stand here today to bear witness to the union of Luke and Amanda, I ask those of you who are here with a loved one to take a moment and rededicate your love to those who are closest to you. Use this moment to say a prayer for those in need. Embrace the memory of a loved one who is no longer with us. I encourage all of you to use the joy in this room to be grateful for this wonderful day.<br /><br />Let today not only be a day that will be cherished forever by Luke and Amanda, but also a day that we all chose to remember. Hold onto the wonderful feelings present in this room and remember those feelings do not need to be reserved only for special occasions. Use today as a reason to rekindle the flame of love that shines so bright. Hold that feeling in your heart and embrace the power of love.<br /><br />Love is something that is always present. Love never fades, we as humans simply forget to open our hearts sometimes. In moments such as these life is perfect. I see the happiness pouring through Amanda’s eyes, and I feel the butterflies in my best friends stomach. This moment is a reminder that love is always there. <br /><br />Marriage is not about owning anything or needing anything, but rather marriage is an opportunity to take the person you are with and grow. Marriage is an opportunity to grow as individuals, to grow as a couple and to grow as a family. <br /><br />Marriage should not be about expecting anything, nor needing anything but rather marriage should be about believing that when you trust in yourself, you trust in each other, and you trust in God everything that you need will be there. <br /><br />Becoming husband and wife is not about expecting to get anything but instead marriage is about those moments when you look in each other’s eyes and realize what you can give to each other. In this sharing you both become more complete. <br /><br />Luke and Amanda as you come together today to take this beautiful step in your lives remember this moment right here when times get tough. Embrace the challenges together, trust in each other, open up to each other and there is nothing you will not be able to do. <br /><br />The greatest gift you can give each other is the promise to be the best person you know how to be. A promise that does not rely on unreasonable expectations, but rather a belief that no matter how life unfolds we will take it in stride and do our best to be true to oneself.<br /><br />In your best moments and in your worst moments, honor who you are, do not be afraid to turn to each other for comfort, trust that you are not alone and always remember that when you look at each other through the eyes of love first you will be guided by God. <br /><br />***I love you guys!Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-86669885883110761912012-02-27T19:28:00.005-08:002012-02-27T19:36:24.443-08:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AJ_bqzZGD-k/T0xLTAwXXrI/AAAAAAAAAHE/xNue5OsaVFM/s1600/breathe.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 214px; height: 320px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AJ_bqzZGD-k/T0xLTAwXXrI/AAAAAAAAAHE/xNue5OsaVFM/s320/breathe.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5714024817218772658" /></a><br /><br />Breathe in,<br />Breathe out,<br />Breathe in,<br />Breath out,<br /><br />Ok this time I am going to get it...<br />This time I shall make it happen, <br />Today I am not going to chase my thoughts around in a circle<br />Right now my determination is strong, <br /><br />Sit up straight, <br />Hands in your lap,<br />Relax your jaw,<br />Trust your body,<br /><br />Breathe in deep,<br />I feel my lungs expand,<br />Breathe out,<br />I feel the cells of my body come alive,<br /><br />Breathe in deep,<br />I feel myself sink into the couch,<br />Breathe out, <br />My shoulders melt away from my ears,<br />The knots in my stomach untie with ease,<br />My anxious mind begins to calm,<br /><br />A sense of calm swallows my body,<br />My fast-paced world follows suit, <br />My mind is not focused on anything, <br />My spirit is shinning bright,<br /><br />Breathe in,<br />Breathe out,<br />Breathe in,<br />Breathe out,Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-2908833330042758292012-02-25T07:43:00.003-08:002012-02-25T07:49:34.686-08:00Happy!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0m2NCsNQRIA/T0kB5eoo4DI/AAAAAAAAAGg/b2H19-MWx7Y/s1600/smile.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0m2NCsNQRIA/T0kB5eoo4DI/AAAAAAAAAGg/b2H19-MWx7Y/s320/smile.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5713099689283870770" /></a><br /><br />I do not think the good times every left,<br />I do not think my happiness was every in doubt,<br />I do not think a smile was truly ever out of my grasp<br />I do not think the warmth of a puppy snuggle was every too far away,<br /><br />I love waking up in these good moods,<br />I love looking forward to the day,<br />I love smiling about how sore I am because I over did it in the gym, <br />I love wondering what shall I do next,<br /><br />I love sitting on my computer for hours chatting with a great friend because she is off on her own adventure, <br />I love feeling comfortable enough with a select few to share some of my most intimate feelings, <br /><br />I hope I can keep this momentum going, <br />I hope those who have been there for me know just how much I love and appreciate them,<br />I hope I do not forget how great this energy flowing through me feels,<br />I hope I can help those who need it as much as they have helped me,<br /><br />I did not ever give up I just merely stumbled along my path,<br />I did not ever lose faith, I simply asked why, <br />I did not ever doubt that there was a lesson to be learned, I just had trouble wrapping my head around it, <br />I did not ever stop hoping for better days, but I did get stuck, <br /><br />I believe that the worst of it is over,<br />I believe that I am opening up to another again and it feels so good,<br />I believe my inner-strength has grown, <br />I believe that it had to happen as much as that still pains me to say,<br /><br />I know without some of you I may not have made it,<br />I know that a dear friend shared his strength with me when I did not have enough of my own, <br />I know and finally believe that is was not all my fault, <br />I know that in my moments of weakness my Lord came to me with an open heart and comforted me,<br /><br />I am so grateful to those who took a chance on me,<br />I am so grateful to those who gave me my new career,<br />I am so grateful for those new people in my life, who believe in me and support me,<br />I am so grateful that I feel like I am where I am suppose to be, <br /><br /><br />I am so humbled by the love and affection she has been giving me,<br />I am so humbled that she swept my little slip up under the rug, <br />I am so humbled that she is willing to drive 90 miles to come see me,<br />I am so humbled by the patience she has demonstrated,<br /><br />I love this energy, <br />I love that I feel good, <br />I love that I will drink the occasional vodka-Redbull so I can keep up with her,<br />I love that I am once again looking forward to my days,<br /><br />I appreciate what I have been going through,<br />I appreciate the tools I have been given to write these words,<br />I appreciate you, right now for reading my words, Thank you,<br />I appreciate the warm comforting feeling of the coffee and I sit here and write,<br /><br />I am so happy to be sharing something other than my sorrows, <br />I am so happy that my family added two new members,<br />I am so excited to get back to Minnesota in less than two months,<br />I am so excited to say GOODBYE:<br /><br />I hope she knows how grateful I am for our 7 years together,<br />I hope I continue to let her go and send her the light and love she deserves, <br />I wish her only the best and may she find in her heart what I could not give her.<br /><br />I want to share this here even though its on my front page, it feels very fitting:<br /><br /> Love can and will come to those who still believe in it. Hope is the key. Even when faced with disappointment love will still find a way. Even after betrayal love will still knock on your door. Love will come to those who have been hurt before. I will never give up on love. I will even love those who no longer love me. Love is all there is and all there ever will be. -meAnthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-60186801866805144102012-02-21T06:37:00.000-08:002012-02-21T06:47:03.077-08:00A fun and meaningful way to say I am sorry...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PKBnZ_UCFHg/T0OtlbDVhNI/AAAAAAAAAGU/Tpj3MDgxgyU/s1600/i_am_sorry_07.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PKBnZ_UCFHg/T0OtlbDVhNI/AAAAAAAAAGU/Tpj3MDgxgyU/s320/i_am_sorry_07.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5711599610864436434" /></a><br /><br /><br />Feels like I am stuck in the dark,<br />Unaware of this light right in front of my heart,<br /><br />Wound up and tight because we may never know,<br />Mad at myself because I refuse to let go,<br /><br />Really grateful for all of the fun,<br />Too bad for us there may be no more sun,<br /><br />Ignoring what at times felt so right,<br />Instead I let my mind start a meaningless fight,<br /><br />Struggling with what's going on inside,<br />And yet there you were to come along for the ride,<br /><br />Pushed you away, as if I did not care,<br />When in reality what it is; I'm just really scared,<br /><br />Not sure what I want or how it should be,<br />But I do know I like having you next to me,<br /><br />Really loving all the laughs,<br />Too bad we will never get to take that jacuzzi bath, <br /><br />As I sit here getting this off my chest,<br />I can't help but think damn I miss those beautiful breasts,<br /><br />Trying to make a joke,<br />Hoping it lands,<br />Wanting to show you that I would hold your hands,<br /><br />Knowing its over,<br />Saying goodbye,<br />Thank you for making me the focus of your eye...Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-80597414092978318982012-02-11T15:55:00.000-08:002012-02-11T17:06:04.164-08:00Cannot help it. God knows I try...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kDzusIN8k0I/TzcAqqz5bsI/AAAAAAAAAFU/iMwlF1-PZ_o/s1600/lost-love.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 250px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kDzusIN8k0I/TzcAqqz5bsI/AAAAAAAAAFU/iMwlF1-PZ_o/s320/lost-love.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708031785761861314" /></a><br />I am finding myself lost in sorrow right now,<br />I am finding myself regretting the past again,<br />No one ever told me it was going to be this hard,<br />No one ever told me it would hurt so much,<br /><br />The nights are no longer my enemy but at times the days are still longer then I care for,<br />there is still love there, <br />there is still pain there,<br />she is still there<br /><br />Is it because I held my emotions in for so long,<br />I feel like I am destined to keep repeating this pattern because I have yet to embrace all the gifts that come with this struggle,<br />I can write them here in words, <br />I can conceive them in my mind,<br />but here I am again,<br /><br />i know i am not alone but<br />no one knows how I feel, <br />heads may be nodding as they read through this but I miss her,<br />God I fucking miss her...<br /><br />Wishing I had the right words, the right actions, <br />but the pain just builds because I know the wall is too high to get over, <br />I can keep reaching <br />but my arms will merely fall by my sides as they grow tired<br /><br />My words mean so much to me, <br />each one a precious gift,<br />it hurts that my words mean so much to me and yet she<br />can simply brush them away like trash on the street,<br /><br />some will tell me that it is best to walk away, <br />and i know they are right,<br />i know it is time,<br />and yet every time I look over my shoulder there is still only one face that I wish was staring back at me,<br />only one i want in my arms, <br />only one i want in my heart,<br /><br />why is it so hard to do and so easy to say,<br />i am trying to set you free,<br />i am trying to release you,<br />i want to open up this lock on my heart<br />but there is such a part of me that does not want to give you the key...Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-57820781087792536122012-02-06T09:19:00.000-08:002012-02-06T18:51:04.737-08:00Farewell AnxietyHeart racing faster than normal,<br />chest clenching down so tight,<br />I am having trouble trying to take a deep breathe,<br />from my shoulder to my back everything is locked into place,<br />it feels as if someone poured concrete through the muscles of my neck and back,<br /><br />I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety lately, <br />it is my body’s way of telling me that mentally there are some things I have not faced yet,<br />the stress is simply fear that I am holding onto, <br />this war within me has been on and off for a while now,<br /><br />I am getting pulled this way and that,<br />mind racing no matter how much I try to mediate, <br />no matter how much tapping I do,<br />trying to stop for the moment and it helps but it comes racing right back, <br /><br />Once again I turn to the simplicity and comfort of my keyboard,<br />I am sorry I have not been here my old friend, <br />I know you will not let me down,<br />I know this releases these emotions <br />my fingers can barely keep up with the words I want to write,<br />once I open the flood gates and let go of the need to keep it in <br />so much I want to get out,<br /><br />Why do people tell you they will help you out when you need it the most<br />Is it because they did not want to or because they changed their mind,<br />why not just tell the truth, it may sting for the moment but it fails in comparison to the constant questioning of why,<br />but if you say you will be there just be there,<br />do not play games, this is life,<br />if my communication was unclear I apologize,<br /><br />Feel this fire burning within me,<br />This energy that is being released,<br />The power of these words means so much to me,<br />Tried so long to tell myself that it was not acceptable to get mad,<br /><br />But wait,<br />I am beginning to realize the power in my anger,<br />I can find strength in these feelings,<br />I am accepting that when I release anger in the form of words I feel better,<br />Is this why I have been so anxious? <br />Because I was not allowed for so long to get angry?<br /><br />Damn it feels good to let that bullshit go,<br />I am done with that, holding onto it any longer only hurts me,<br />my expectations are gone; I always knew what I would get anyway<br /><br />Let’s keep this ball rolling,<br />how is it that she still gets to me, <br />I am doing my best to stay strong, <br />Have not caved, do not expect anything,<br />Hell at this point do not want anything,<br /><br />Why I held on for so long no longer matters, <br />You disrespected me, <br />Made me believe it was my entire fault, <br />How untrue that really is, <br /><br />Just let me go, <br />I do not care anymore that you are mad, <br />Nothing I ever did would have been enough so get over it, <br />Let it go, it is not only me that you are mad at<br />deep down;<br />It is you and it is just so much easier to try to place that blame on me, <br /><br />Hell yes I fucked up, <br />Hell yes I made mistakes,<br />But I admit it, said my apologizes and put things in place to fix those issues,<br />Make me better, make us better, but it was just easier to walk away,<br />What a better person I have become because of the pure brutal honesty I was willing to look at myself with, <br />Embracing my faults actually feels good,<br /><br />Wow! Take a breath,<br />Feeling better,<br />Back is relaxing, <br />Head is clearing,<br /><br />I tend to forget I love to write when times are tough, <br />I get so overwhelmed with everything else and look to so many places and people to get me through these times,<br />I am so grateful for all of the help, <br />But the ones who have helped me the most are the ones who have shown me that I can do it myself! <br /><br />I may get angry,<br />I may get anxious,<br />I accept that, <br />It actually feels good now that I am done convincing myself that it is so wrong,<br />That energy just produced some of the strongest emotions I have ever felt,<br />And I put them down right here and now and let them go,<br />I just learned from them rather than swallowing them,<br />my emotions are always trying to tell me something,<br />I promise to myself to no longer spoon feed myself these emotions that need to be released,<br />Instead I promise to myself to talk to you,<br />To talk to me,<br />To keep writing, <br />to keep believing,<br />To keep asking for help.<br /><br />Thank you God for being with me this morning,<br />Thank you for giving me so many chances to learn,<br />I am calm, <br />I can be calm,<br />What a simple joy I just found in something that a mere two hours ago I thought was so wrong...Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-51402063442754909212012-01-01T07:57:00.000-08:002012-01-01T08:01:36.141-08:002012<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gxVfK2nQFnc/TwCC3ShxFaI/AAAAAAAAAFI/3dcTcsEtrcU/s1600/2012-2012.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 180px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gxVfK2nQFnc/TwCC3ShxFaI/AAAAAAAAAFI/3dcTcsEtrcU/s320/2012-2012.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5692693815374189986" /></a><br /><br /> It is 2012 and I have been saying for many years that I have believed and felt deep inside that 30 was going to be the best year of my life. Well I am 8 days away from my birthday and I am seeing signs that my life is really headed in the right direction. <br /><br /> It may sound so cliché’ but I am getting a fresh start and doing my best to make peace with my past. I lost someone very close to me in 2011. Will never truly be able to wrap my head around how she ended it so fast, but I feel like I am getting to the point where I can simply release her and send her love and light. I truly hope she finds whatever it is that I could not provide her with. I hope she knows I how much I love her and that I will never forget her. <br /><br /> What gifts we brought to each other. Finally the assertiveness that I knew was always hiding in her somewhere is finding the strength to come through. From a willingness to see the others point of view she merely did what she felt was her only option to put an end to something she could no longer be around. <br /><br /> I am no longer afraid to be on my own, here I am in my new place typing about how bright the future before me is looking. What massive growth has taken place in four short months. With my back against the wall, not knowing what to do I did my best to stay strong. And while at times I took the easy way out and got lost in a bottle once or twice I kept pushing on. I kept praying to God, turning to my family and my friends who all believed in me. <br /><br />Unwavering support for me that I will never ever forget. Friends took me in and let me impose on their lives for four months, baby and all they embraced me and truly made me feel like I was part of their family. What a beautiful gift they gave me, I felt safe, secure, and most of all loved. <br /><br /> A close friend who went through an even tougher situation in my opinion put his own hurt aside and was there for me morning or night, complaining or crying, needing advice or simply needing to bitch, how grateful am I. <br /><br />Someone close to me who could of easily cut ties with me stood by my side. He said he would be there for me no matter what because I was there for him when he needed it the most. What a beautiful act of selflessness. <br /><br />There are so many people I would love to thank right here but the list would go on forever. Just know that if you were there for me I am so grateful and will never forget it.<br /> A special thank you to my immediate family: Mom, Dad, Kim, Angie, Dave, Ally, Zachary thank you for never letting me give up, thank you for supporting me no matter what I wanted. Thank you for supporting me when I refused to think with my brain and kept thinking with my heart. <br /><br /> It really feels that life has bigger plans for me than I have ever had for myself. It feels like I am not alone even though I just packed up and moved away from everything I know.<br /> Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “ Believe in yourself. You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face... You must do that which you think you cannot do.” <br /><br />How proud of myself am I for facing my fears and just doing it. I thought packing up my life and leaving for the Navy was scary, that fails in comparison to the most recent steps in my life. Here I am in a new city, a new home, not knowing anyone and yet I cannot help but be a little excited about what is to come. Yes I am a little stressed (OK a lot but I have help for that too, Dr Eisen my amazing teacher) and my body kindly reminds me that I have some things I still need to work on. <br /><br />Even though I am so far from my home I know I am not alone. I know I can go within and talk to my Source and feel that love that I crave. I know I can pick up the phone and call those closest to me and they will cheer me on. I even know a few may make the trek down South to come see me (Janine made it first)!<br /><br /> Well 2011 sort of kicked me in the ass, and now in 2012 I feel like it is my turn to kick back. As long as I continue to write I believe everything will be just fine. Expressing my feelings on paper, whether good or bad is such a release for me. I merely write for myself but as I have shared on my blog over the last two years the feedback I get encourages me to continue to share. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read my words, I hope you enjoy them and hope they may help you as they help me. <br /> Here is to the best 2012 for all of us!Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-1346630398036079312011-12-17T08:30:00.000-08:002011-12-17T08:50:33.726-08:00Healing through my words:<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BQihJkHofTM/TuzIS0FkQ0I/AAAAAAAAAE8/aAa2DMQxdXo/s1600/Compassion.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BQihJkHofTM/TuzIS0FkQ0I/AAAAAAAAAE8/aAa2DMQxdXo/s320/Compassion.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5687140655007286082" /></a><br /><br />Healing through my words:<br /><br />How did this happen<br />How did I lose one I love the most, <br />This was not in the plan,<br />Why did I have to leave my home, <br />And then my job too,<br />Fucking great now my back is hurting again for the first time in many years,<br />Who would be able to stay strong through this bullshit,<br />Why would anyone want to stay strong through this,<br /><br />Feeling completely empty,<br />How could things have gone so wrong,<br />I am such a good person, why is this happening?<br />Filled with so many tears, <br />Anger raging through my veins I literally see my hair stand up on its own,<br />Yelling at God, such pain in my heart, <br />I do not deserve this...<br />I have broken many bones, had many injuries, been to war twice and it all fails in comparison to that hurting in my heart right now,<br /><br />Literally on my knees in a moment of true surrender, <br />Never thought I knew how, <br />Begging for help,<br />Crying out to the Heavens,<br />Turns out letting go feels better than any amount of control I ever tried to have, <br />This may not be the way I expected things to unfold, <br />But the potential has become so great,<br />In this moment of pure loss the desire for great gains was born in me,<br />Enough trust in my Spirit, my family, my friends, that better days are ahead of me,<br /><br />Certainly not sure the specifics of where my life is headed,<br />But the anticipation is really beginning to build,<br />Some of the struggle did not last very long,<br />My commitment to my God keeps me going,<br />The constant support from family and friends was unwavering,<br />Gaining strength from those who believe in me,<br />Excitement about this new journey in my life,<br />Truly been given an opportunity to do what I was put on this planet to do,<br /><br />How amazing is it that I am about to become more abundant doing something that I love,<br />How great is it that I am still so young and I feel I am now in a position I was meant to be in,<br />Given this opportunity to make a difference in a community,<br />Given the chance to teach people,<br />Doing my best to inspire people to be their best,<br />Knowing I have a career now has taken me to another level of thinking, <br />Feeling so much more confident, <br />Thanking my Spirit everyday for the gifts I have been given,<br /><br />Trying to believe that I could make it happen,<br />And I DID,<br />Doing my best to embrace the fear, <br />Wishing my body was feeling better,<br />Knowing that if I can handle this and make it through this I can do anything,<br />I already made it through this...<br /><br />Accepting the pain, knowing it will not last, reminding myself that this too is just temporary,<br />Looking for the gifts in the pain,<br />I really believe the pain keeps me humble and compassionate to those who also struggle with pain, <br />This pain is not so bad, trying to accept that it is just another experience,<br /><br />Not saying I am over the pain that I have been through, <br />But it has taken me to a new level of growth, one I did not think even I know I was headed for,<br />Seeing the gifts already that I have been given, <br />What confidence I have in myself these days, <br /> Seeing the other side more and more,<br />Wishing the best, sending the love, and trying to let go of the hurt,<br />Learning from my mistakes,<br />Accepting my shortcomings is the fastest way to move on,<br /><br />Not even close to ready to let go of her,<br />Feel like this time apart has simply made me love her more,<br />Still wishing everyday to have her back,<br />Knowing it would be great if we simply tried,<br /><br />But so grateful because her light put me in this position,<br />Her dark allowed me to shine so bright,<br />Appreciating everything we went through, <br />Loving her in a way I have never loved anyone before,<br />Good or bad just pure love without expectation,<br />Forgiveness brings me more love,<br />Forgiveness is helping me heal my wounds,<br />Forgiveness for myself and forgiveness for my love<br /><br />Now here I am moving forward, <br />I will still look back but now it feels like I can see the good,<br />Understand the bad, <br />And wish for the best!Anthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6262866447989497231.post-91480617424583199722011-12-05T17:50:00.000-08:002011-12-05T17:54:29.545-08:00Broken Heart<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ahj2fqc_FtQ/Tt11kjaE-BI/AAAAAAAAAEw/fYrCEtW4TLk/s1600/heart.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 225px; height: 320px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ahj2fqc_FtQ/Tt11kjaE-BI/AAAAAAAAAEw/fYrCEtW4TLk/s320/heart.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5682827575651792914" /></a><br /><br />Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. -Tennyson<br /><br />I am not so sure I agree with this statement. I have read it many times, quoted it at random and seen it used in the movies...<br />Never really anticipated I would be at a crossroads in my life where this statement means so much...<br /><br />Did not foresee this is how things would end,<br />This unbearable aching in my heart, <br />Tightness in my back, stiffness in my thighs, barely able to turn my neck,<br />So painfully obvious that my body is doing its part to bear some of this emotional burden,<br />Wanting to thank my body for taking some of the toll but the frustrataion just runs deeper<br />Such an unfamiliar feeling to me this sadness that radiates through every fiber of my being, <br /><br />And here I thought I could trick my emotions, I am over this,<br />Convincing everyone else that I have made peace when in reality <br />I feel like my struggles have just begun,<br /><br />Masking the feelings with some booze only to have them coming roaring back twice as hard the next day<br />Fooling yourself that you are ready to move on, making a fool of yourself in front of another because you cannot hold it together,<br />These peaks and valleys are like nothing I have ever experienced<br />How is it possible to go from so high to so low so fast?<br />How is it that you can never say the right thing?<br />What else can I do but be as strong as I can and accept this will be a long ride...<br /><br />And now I have decided not to run from my emotions but rather accept that sadness to is just a feeling, and I am hoping if I just let it run its course...<br /><br />Feeling like I let something so good get away from me, <br />Regretting some of the decisions that I have made, <br />Getting lost in this darkness for now rather than trying to trick myself out of it, <br />Questioning my faith, wondering how this serves me,<br /><br />In this darkest of dark moments I still feel strong, I still see the light, although it is dim,<br />I wish for the end to come soon,<br />I hope for better days,<br />I look forward to the day when I can sit back and appreciate all that this taught me<br />For now I just accept that I am sad...<br /><br />Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation -GilbranAnthony Munkholmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754452546045125681noreply@blogger.com0