The creative outlet of Anthony Munkholm: thanks for reading

Healing through my words:

Life doesn't give you the people you want,
it gives you the people you need:
to love you, to hate you, to make you, to break you, & to make you the person you were meant to be. -unknown

Love can and will come to those who still believe in it. Hope is the key. Even when faced with disappointment love will still find a way. Even after betrayal love will still knock on your door. Love will come to those who have been hurt before. I will never give up on love. I will even love those who no longer love me. Love is all there is and all there ever will be. -me

I believe I have been given an opportunity to share my successes and my struggles, my up's and my down's, the good and the bad with those who find their way to my blog. I feel I have been given a gift to write. I feel in my heart part of my gift to the world comes through my words. My greatest joy comes through expressing myself here. I write for myself but I feel compelled to share it with you too. I believe in love, compassion, and understanding which I share here.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Healing through my words:

Healing through my words:

How did this happen
How did I lose one I love the most,
This was not in the plan,
Why did I have to leave my home,
And then my job too,
Fucking great now my back is hurting again for the first time in many years,
Who would be able to stay strong through this bullshit,
Why would anyone want to stay strong through this,

Feeling completely empty,
How could things have gone so wrong,
I am such a good person, why is this happening?
Filled with so many tears,
Anger raging through my veins I literally see my hair stand up on its own,
Yelling at God, such pain in my heart,
I do not deserve this...
I have broken many bones, had many injuries, been to war twice and it all fails in comparison to that hurting in my heart right now,

Literally on my knees in a moment of true surrender,
Never thought I knew how,
Begging for help,
Crying out to the Heavens,
Turns out letting go feels better than any amount of control I ever tried to have,
This may not be the way I expected things to unfold,
But the potential has become so great,
In this moment of pure loss the desire for great gains was born in me,
Enough trust in my Spirit, my family, my friends, that better days are ahead of me,

Certainly not sure the specifics of where my life is headed,
But the anticipation is really beginning to build,
Some of the struggle did not last very long,
My commitment to my God keeps me going,
The constant support from family and friends was unwavering,
Gaining strength from those who believe in me,
Excitement about this new journey in my life,
Truly been given an opportunity to do what I was put on this planet to do,

How amazing is it that I am about to become more abundant doing something that I love,
How great is it that I am still so young and I feel I am now in a position I was meant to be in,
Given this opportunity to make a difference in a community,
Given the chance to teach people,
Doing my best to inspire people to be their best,
Knowing I have a career now has taken me to another level of thinking,
Feeling so much more confident,
Thanking my Spirit everyday for the gifts I have been given,

Trying to believe that I could make it happen,
And I DID,
Doing my best to embrace the fear,
Wishing my body was feeling better,
Knowing that if I can handle this and make it through this I can do anything,
I already made it through this...

Accepting the pain, knowing it will not last, reminding myself that this too is just temporary,
Looking for the gifts in the pain,
I really believe the pain keeps me humble and compassionate to those who also struggle with pain,
This pain is not so bad, trying to accept that it is just another experience,

Not saying I am over the pain that I have been through,
But it has taken me to a new level of growth, one I did not think even I know I was headed for,
Seeing the gifts already that I have been given,
What confidence I have in myself these days,
Seeing the other side more and more,
Wishing the best, sending the love, and trying to let go of the hurt,
Learning from my mistakes,
Accepting my shortcomings is the fastest way to move on,

Not even close to ready to let go of her,
Feel like this time apart has simply made me love her more,
Still wishing everyday to have her back,
Knowing it would be great if we simply tried,

But so grateful because her light put me in this position,
Her dark allowed me to shine so bright,
Appreciating everything we went through,
Loving her in a way I have never loved anyone before,
Good or bad just pure love without expectation,
Forgiveness brings me more love,
Forgiveness is helping me heal my wounds,
Forgiveness for myself and forgiveness for my love

Now here I am moving forward,
I will still look back but now it feels like I can see the good,
Understand the bad,
And wish for the best!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Broken Heart

Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. -Tennyson

I am not so sure I agree with this statement. I have read it many times, quoted it at random and seen it used in the movies...
Never really anticipated I would be at a crossroads in my life where this statement means so much...

Did not foresee this is how things would end,
This unbearable aching in my heart,
Tightness in my back, stiffness in my thighs, barely able to turn my neck,
So painfully obvious that my body is doing its part to bear some of this emotional burden,
Wanting to thank my body for taking some of the toll but the frustrataion just runs deeper
Such an unfamiliar feeling to me this sadness that radiates through every fiber of my being,

And here I thought I could trick my emotions, I am over this,
Convincing everyone else that I have made peace when in reality
I feel like my struggles have just begun,

Masking the feelings with some booze only to have them coming roaring back twice as hard the next day
Fooling yourself that you are ready to move on, making a fool of yourself in front of another because you cannot hold it together,
These peaks and valleys are like nothing I have ever experienced
How is it possible to go from so high to so low so fast?
How is it that you can never say the right thing?
What else can I do but be as strong as I can and accept this will be a long ride...

And now I have decided not to run from my emotions but rather accept that sadness to is just a feeling, and I am hoping if I just let it run its course...

Feeling like I let something so good get away from me,
Regretting some of the decisions that I have made,
Getting lost in this darkness for now rather than trying to trick myself out of it,
Questioning my faith, wondering how this serves me,

In this darkest of dark moments I still feel strong, I still see the light, although it is dim,
I wish for the end to come soon,
I hope for better days,
I look forward to the day when I can sit back and appreciate all that this taught me
For now I just accept that I am sad...

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation -Gilbran

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Leap of Faith

I have never truly known what taking a leap of faith or “let go and let God” truly means. The concept makes sense but how does one truly surrender, how does one simply trust the experiences in there lives are what is needed? I write about my need for control a lot and one of the greatest struggles in my life is trying to control things that I cannot.

I have been told for some the only way to accept that you have no control is to experience a great loss. Therefore I am choosing to believe that if I am willing to let go, it is like cutting the sand bags of a hot air balloon and then I will ascend higher than I could have ever imagined.

For me at this point in my life: letting go does not mean I sit back and wait for things to happen, but it does mean that I trust this process. It is an excellent feeling when I look up to the heavens and say, Lord I am open to anything because I am not sure where I want to go now.

Letting go does not mean you have to make drastic changes in your life but I feel it is important to make the best of where I am. I believe when I can be grateful and happy with where I am at I will allow more goodness to come into my life.

Surrendering for me is admitting that change happens, and that change is not a bad thing. The first few days of change can be so hard, but things settle, they always do.

In my life I still will fall into the need to control but as the Rolling Stones said, “You can’t always get what you want but you will find you get what you need!”

And now....

Feeling so much better about the way things are unfolding but still lost in the confusion about what all the lessons that are to be learned from this experience.

No more tears are necessary, empathy tends to lead to compassion in my mind, and while I will never truly understand the other side I know what happen was believed to be for the best. So many gifts have already come.

Believing for the first time in my life that I can truly make it on my own, at times even eager to see how this all plays out, excited because the opportunities that are before me are beginning to seem like they are endless.

More determined than ever to make it, most days not even worrying because I know if I need anything else at this moment my spirit would have already provided it to me.

Not so much filled with regret anymore, regret only hurts me, not really filled with anger either, I know it can still get me sometimes but it can get the best of all of us.

Letting myself off the hook; finally, because I know I did the best I could with what I had. Patting myself on the back for making such an effort, proud of myself for getting the help that was always there.

So grateful to all of those who helped keep me moving towards the light, so grateful to those who allowed me to stay in the dark if only for a minute, because in the dark comes many gifts as well, loving all of the support, hard to explain how loved I feel.
Knowing not all days will be great but understanding I do have the ability to try to do something about it, changing my perspective, knowing I can either feel sorry for myself or step-up and look forward.

A dear friend of mine told me to stop looking at the back of the head’s of those walking away from you and start looking into the eyes of those heading towards you...
Nervous for what the future holds, but the type of nervousness that makes great things happen,

Anxious energy I have found can be positive when I pour it into my writing, so grateful I have been blessed with this gift to pour my feelings into a piece of paper, love the feeling when the words come through me and not from me,

Excited because so many have made me feel so loved,

Relieved because I am loving myself more and more,

Hopeful for these new relationships that are coming my way,
Even a few butterflies in my stomach, which is such a fun feeling,

Optimistic because I know many will benefit because of the work I have been doing,

Even when the rain pours down hard I know it will not last. I have been through so much in my life and when I look back every part of it has made me such a better man. This is merely a torn page in the story of my life and has rekindled in me my passion to constantly move forward, to become better, to keep searching, to keep loving. I am in all my humanness imperfectly, perfect!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011


Right here, right now I am in control.
I have struggled my whole life with the need for control.
I may even venture to say it has been my greatest challenge in life so far, and most likely always will be,

Ask me how well I do in controlling things that are uncontrollable and I may come up with a few good answers. I may have a few good one-liners, but in reality I am just as far from being in control today as I was the very first time I tried.

I have tried to control others,
I have tried to control the events of my life,
I have tried to make others see things the way I think they should,
I have question other’s beliefs,
I have in all my glorious foolishness tried to control just about everything,

What a struggle control can be,
What a constant tugging and pulling battle within me as I try,
It is no wonder at times I have no energy,
It is no surprise that sometimes my body finally says “Hey time to slow down” in the form of a headache or my most recent addition of a hernia.

Where the beauty comes in, where the truth shines through, where I feel proud is in the moments I have where I realize my faults.
The true strength comes in those few moments where I am willing to let myself off the hook,
My greatest potential is in those glimpses of true vulnerability, when I pray to God for help because I realize I really cannot control anything.
One of my biggest faults comes in the form of a few simple words:


What powerful words. The constant pursuit of perfection. The perfect job, the perfect body, the perfect wife, really the list is endless.

The most basic flaw with the pursuit of perfection is so many of us compare our definition of perfection to your definition of perfection.

In constant pursuit of this I have come to a few realizations. The first is there is no need for perfection (as I struggle to swallow this one myself). Second who decides what perfect is anyway. I think it is safe to say that there are as many definitions of perfection as there are people on this planet. Our diversity is what makes us human, therefore really there is no PERFECT.

Honestly it is not the pursuit of perfection that is necessarily the bad part, for me the pursuit of perfection has served me very well. Perfection is a very powerful motivator in my life. I believe the strong drive in me to always be better, to always improve is a good thing. I think it is the driving force behind the evolution of my life.

I am learning to use that driving force to be a positive influence in my life. I am accepting that not only do I not want to be perfect but also it would not serve me well. What happens if I am suddenly PERFECT? Does that mean I no longer have any goals? Does that mean I no longer wish to improve upon anything in my life? Well what would be the fun in that?

I believe I am here to rediscover myself in this journey called life. I belief the purpose of life is the evolution of my soul. I believe that the good and the bad in my life come to me at just the right time so I as a person, as spirit can continue to grow.

Ultimately I truly believe the entire point of life is to learn to love yourself no matter what. Unconditional love is hard to come by from others. However, I am learning to love myself always, in all-ways. If I cannot love myself when things are tough, or when I am down how can I expect someone else too. I believe Love is all there is, I believe God is always with me, and when I stop and breath I am reminded of that constant love that is flowing through me and to me at all times. It really is a simple plan: Love thyself, no matter what!

I am suppose to make mistakes, I am suppose to want to do better, I can and will thrive when I stumble because I am not one to stay down forever. If it were not for my mistakes in life who would I be today.

I have met small challenges in my life with small improvements, I have met some of the biggest challenges in my life with some of my greatest breakthroughs. Some challenges in my life I still struggle with...

In these lessons of life some of my greatest teachers have been shown to me. In some of my mistakes I have discovered just how strong I am, how brave I can be, and how much I love those around me. My most recent mistake has brought me new amazing friends who took care of me when I was down. I have never felt such appreciation.

As my life continues I am going to do my best, make some mistakes and try to learn from them. I will try to love everyone the way I wish to be loved. I accept I will make mistakes. And I will remind myself frequently that the greatest source of love I have is within myself. Simply close my eyes, let go and let God!

Thursday, March 3, 2011


I am in the mood to write but I do not feel the inspiration,
And yet I find it comforting to open up my heart, relax my mind, and pour my thoughts into this computer,

I have always enjoyed writing. Short stories were a pure pleasure of mine growing up. Journaling has been something I have done consistently for as long as I can remember.

Do I really need a reason to write?
Do I need to experience a moment in my life that stops me before I am willing to find myself in front of this screen?

Why do I not just keep writing for the shear pleasure of it? Why not write because it brings me joy?
I love how when I write I feel free. I love how when I write I am so willing to let my guard down and actually face whatever feelings I am having; good or bad. I love how when I write I keep the left corner of my mouth open with my tongue gently touching my lips.

I love when the creative juices get flowing. It is a great place to be when that little voice within me takes over and it is like I am just taking notes for someone else. What a great place to be when you feel like you are on the verge of something great. The words just seem to flow.

Does it even matter if anyone read this? Perhaps I will not even share it. There are so many previous escapades already saved on to my hard drive that will never find their way to my blog.

What freedom a journal offers. No restrictions, no fears, for many of us it is the only place we can truly be us. For those who do not use them I almost feel sorry because until you get lost in a rambling of your own words you miss out on the power they hold.

We can let our dark side come out with no fear of repercussion. My private world may scare some of you and yet I hope some are willing to dive in with me and find out that there is more to me than I sometimes let on.

My journal is also my place to pat myself on the back. Huge accomplishments that I do not want to ever let go. And even the small ones. My journal is such a fun place to toot my own horn. I am not arrogant or cocky, I know I am good and this is my place to tell myself that.

I am happy today. I have been happy a lot lately. My head has not been hurting as much. I am moving in the right direction and I am taking satisfaction in that. My moods are much higher. Those around me have noticed. I am trying to light up others days with the positive vibes I have been feeling. I almost feel like lately I have been blessed with this gift of helping others raise their vibration. I want to help others. Nothing amazing just put a smile on their faces, perhaps a few butterflies in the tummy. I want them to feel my good mood. I want to feel their good moods, share in that energy and watch us both shine.

Trying to let go of all wounds, and not worry about ones that may come my way. Instead I have been enjoying this moment right here and now. I have been breathing more, reading more, observing more.

In this instant, right here, right now, there is so much going on, it is such a shame so many of us get caught up in the whirlwinds of yesterday. It is even harder on us when we start wasting energy worrying about days yet to come.

Toady has been great. I smiled today, I found reasons to feel good today. Even when I was worried today, I came out on top and realized I did not need to get caught up in those feelings but rather thank them for what they showed me and then simply let them go.

I love to write. I love trying to keep up with what is going on in my mind. I love wondering if anyone reading this is keeping up with me?

Sunday, February 20, 2011


Opportunities can present themselves in the strangest ways sometimes,
As the sheer panic and anxiety increased so did the chance to conquer them,
This is not about me,
I need to focus,
I need to act quickly,

In an instant all negativity is vanished,
Those feelings were wisped away like a leaf in the wind,
I would do anything for you,
Praying to God that everything will be o.k.
Practically on my knees begging for mercy,
Wishing we were not alone,

Asking for help and strength,
Asking to not be alone,
Asking to understand,
Asking what I need to do,

In that moment it came to me like a light being switched on,
Instantaneous confidence, a reassurance that we are not alone,
A sense of strength that I know I need right now,
Feeling love in the most perfect form,
Tears rolling down as I hold your hand,
Calm racing through my body, anxiety decreasing,
Concentrating on what matters,
Amazingly my head does not hurt at all,

There is a desire burning within me,
In a strange way this unfortunate situation is the perfect opportunity,
Knowing more than ever that this is the time,
Seeing the perfection in the way the things unfolded,

A chance to close the gap,
An occasion to be what you keep saying you want to be,
The time for us to be what we know we can be,
Moving forward with a clean slate,

There is a certain beauty in the way the Universe works,
A unique perfection if one is willing to step back,
Every situation good or bad is an opportunity for growth,
There is help if we simply surrender and ask,
It is undeniable that love is the answer,
Love is all we every need.

Sunday, January 9, 2011


Today I have been on this planet for 29 years, as I sit here and reflect I have many fond memories of great times. As I think about all of those good times I am hopeful that 29 is going to be my best year. I have many things I would like to accomplish this year before I reach 30. So many small things, and throw in a few big things to keep the Universe on its toes.

I am excited this year because I have a lot of wonderful things to look forward too; the first thing that jumps out at me is Meredith. We will be together for 5 years this April. I get to travel to Chicago at the end of the month, one of my best friends is getting married, I am doing well in grad school, and it seems to me that opportunities will just keep coming to me.

Meredith and I

There have been plenty of bumps in our road but to be together after 5 years is a testament to us and our willingness to face adversity. However there has been plenty to laugh about too. I still remember when we drove out to California for the first time. I had just purchased my new car, which I happily named Lucille, which drove Meredith nuts. But I loved that car; it was my first new car that I saved and saved to pay for. There was the excitement of driving through Nebraska:) and seeing the Colorado Rockies for the first time. Stopping off in Vegas and eating myself so stupid at a buffet that Meredith literally had to push me up the stairs to get back to my car. Arriving in California and at first being utterly filled with disappoint. In hindsight it was not that I disliked Cali I was just so nervous to be 3000 miles away from everyone and everything I knew.

What about getting married on the beach in Santa Barbara, it really could not of been any more perfect. Meredith looked amazing, I looked all right myself, we had our families there and our Chaplin was amazing. The food was great, the weather was nice, and everything just fell into place that day. Do I dare mention that two and half bottles of champagne later that I was so drunk on my way to the bathroom I walked right into the glass door of the hotel room that divided the dining room from the bedroom. She may never let me live that one down.

Oh and how wonderful it was to meet up with the family the next morning for brunch and explain to them how bad I need a bloody Mary because I was hung over something fierce.

The road got a little rough there for a while, but I find it hard to believe there is any marriage that it always stays peachy. We stayed at it, kept plugging away and now that we are almost to five years, we can rest our heads knowing we weathered the storm.

29 has a lot of things to offer to me and when I look at the big picture there are so many things falling into place and things to be happy about that I need not trip up over the small things. I have a wife that loves me, a great family, some really good friends, some excellent clients, we live in an amazing house in a beautiful place, we own our cars, we have health insurance, we have great jobs, we never go hungry, we can stay warm at night, we have our puppies, the list really does just keep going.

29 is going to be the year that I start to face more of my fears, try new things, stay committed to having even more fun. I started the year off on a bang and went and hung out with a bunch of people I have never met before. This is a huge accomplishment in the world of Anthony. I was proud of myself and long behold I actually had a good time. I am going to pursue other opportunities for employment, I do not need to stop training but I am certainly not opposed to finding something better.

29 are going to be the year that I stop this fucking struggle with my health. These headaches will become obsolete, I rarely get them anymore. I know how to keep them at bay and I just need to stick to what works. I have a great teacher, she showed me how and I can do it. I know everything I need to do, I am capable of doing it and I will do the best I can and then let the big man guide me the rest of the way.

29 is going to be the year I relax more, I am willing to admit that I cannot always be in control. I can be really chill and calm for the most part but let’s not forget who my mother is, it certainly is a change of pace :). Breaking old habits can be hard but I have already come so far. I believe I can have control over how I let any situation affect me, but I may not always control what happens. That is ok, that is something I am going to have to work at but I can do it.

29 is going to be the year that I learn to nap when I am tired. Simply giving myself permission to let go for a few hours will do me great benefits. I can do this. I have a wife who is wonderful at napping and I can do it with her.

1-28 was all great in the own right. The ups, the downs, the knowing, the not knowing. It was all perfect and exactly what I needed to get me to this point. 29 will be the best year of my life. It already is as I sit here and reflect how good things really have been.