The creative outlet of Anthony Munkholm: thanks for reading

Healing through my words:

Life doesn't give you the people you want,
it gives you the people you need:
to love you, to hate you, to make you, to break you, & to make you the person you were meant to be. -unknown

Love can and will come to those who still believe in it. Hope is the key. Even when faced with disappointment love will still find a way. Even after betrayal love will still knock on your door. Love will come to those who have been hurt before. I will never give up on love. I will even love those who no longer love me. Love is all there is and all there ever will be. -me

I believe I have been given an opportunity to share my successes and my struggles, my up's and my down's, the good and the bad with those who find their way to my blog. I feel I have been given a gift to write. I feel in my heart part of my gift to the world comes through my words. My greatest joy comes through expressing myself here. I write for myself but I feel compelled to share it with you too. I believe in love, compassion, and understanding which I share here.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

I might not...

I might not make as much money as I would like,
But I have a fun job that pays me pretty well,

Perhaps at times I spend more money then I should,
But I have a plan in place and am getting better,

I might not live in a swanky apartment in downtown St. Paul yet,
But I am lucky enough to live with one of my best friends of over 20 years,

Perhaps I could take that place that got offered to me last week,
But I know that right now the time is not right,

I might not have the perfect degree or the right educational background,
But I loved my program and learned so much,

Perhaps I will yet again return to school to explore more options,
But right now I am enjoying not having homework,

I might not have a body that will end up on the cover of a fitness magazine,
But I look pretty damn good with my shirt off,

Perhaps my body will continue to get stronger, leaner,
But fitness is a marathon not a sprint,

I might not always do the best workouts,
But I will find ways to be active every single day,

Perhaps I do not always eat healthy and avoid sweets,
But most days my diet revolves around eating foods that help my body thrive,

I might not always be jumping out of my pants happy,
But life is about the ups and the downs, and I have discovered how to embrace the good and the bad,

Perhaps I am not always suppose to be happy,
But instead learn how to roll with the punches,

I might not always be cool, calm, and collected,
But I continue to practice meditation daily and my anxiety has damn near left my life completely,

Perhaps at times I am too judgmental,
But as I continue to evolve I try to see the best in everyone,

I might not always be accepting,
But I will do my best to understand your point of view,

Perhaps I am a little too strong-minded; perhaps I demand the attention of the room a little too often,
But I will listen to you with an open mind and an open heart,

I might not always be the best friend I can be,
But when times are tough and you need me I will be there,

Perhaps I could be a better son, a better brother,
But I love my family the best I can,

I might not have been the best husband I could have been,
But I did a lot of things right and I am committed to understanding my mistakes and moving forward,

Perhaps at times I have gone against the little voice in my head even when I knew I should not,
But that little voice has never left and will continue to guide me,

I might piss you off at times, hurt your feelings, say something mean,
But I hope you understand it is never about you but instead a reflection of the struggles I have within,

Perhaps there are more things I could do right, more things I should know,
But I am committed to continual improvement for myself,

I might at times get lost in focusing on the negatives,
But more and more I am grateful for the positives,

So it is obvious I am not perfect but here is the key that I have learned and try to embrace everyday:


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

It is in the works:

A preview of what I have been working on:

Clearly we had both wronged each other so much that we failed to see the beauty of each other’s eyes. Clearly we were so caught up in our anger and distrust for each other that we forgot we lived in sunny Southern California. Clearly we let the loneliness of that moment block us to the memories of our 7 years together. Clearly we were both so lost in that exact moment that we forgot how much we loved each other when we got married. Clearly the anxiety of that car ride had become so negative we forgot how much anticipation there once was.
 It was obvious the magic that had once convinced a woman to move to California and take a chance was now replaced by the disappointment that it turned out this way. It was obvious that there was such a strong disgust now that we forgot how much lust their once was. It was obvious that we had totally forgotten about those qualities that we had come to love because we were so focused on the qualities that we hated about each other.
That car ride home I will never forget. As she poured out feelings of how frustrated she was I poured out mine too. Her frustrations took the shapes of all the times I had wronged her. As neither of us would let each other’s words through the tension continued to mount. Like a cannon I went off. In a moment of fury I threw my cell phone and in an instant her windshield cracked from top to bottom. Immediately I knew in I had gone too far. I never intended to throw it but at that time my anger  had not learned of healthier methods of release.  As I stared at the cracks in the windshield she froze. Caught in fear, instinct took over for her. She got us home and blocked out my worthless attempts to beg for her forgiveness. That very moment marks the instance she knew she was done. No longer was she going to be a victim. No longer was she going to be in a relationship where she had to feel scared, worthless, and taken advantage of. No longer was she going to stay in a marriage that made her unhappy. In her mind that broken windshield represented our broken marriage.
As I sat on the couch yelling at myself I knew it was over. She told me it was time for me to go. Shaken to my very core I know I failed to realize the true seriousness of the situation. My marriage was over, my wife was gone, the switch was flipped and there was no getting her back. And yet I asked myself how could she tell me she wanted a separation? How fucking selfish of her. I was not ready to quit, I was not ready to throw in the towel. I was ready to keep fighting. However, my relationship did not need anymore fighting, in needed peace and love, and fighting for it was the last way more love was going to come about. 
As the therapist said, “I think it would be best if you two took a break for a while” fear set in. Reluctantly I agreed against my own inner-voice to move out at the end of the month. Scared of what lay before me she grabbed my hand. The simple gesture of her touching my hand when I was so scared filled me with hope. As we walked out of the office hand and hand I knew we could make this right. I knew she was still there, hanging on by a thread but still there. Right there I swore to myself I was going to do everything in my power to win her back. I just knew I was going to get her back. I was so convinced that I would fix this...