Anthony's Prayer

Dear God,

I know you are aware of the struggles that I face,
and I know you have given me the tools to overcome these challenges.

I know that you can sense my desire to be loved,
and I know you told me that my love lies within.

I know that you are aware of my desire to rid my body of this resistance,
and I know you have also given me the strength to hold on until I am ready.

I know that I continue to ask for help,
and you continue to bring me more and more teachers.

I know I have not always been the most faithful,
and I know you never lost yours.

I know I do not need you but I love to lean on you, I love to believe in you,
and I know you will pick me up when I fall,

I know you and I are one in the same,
and I know that you are closer than I often remember,

Thank you for my family,
I know they are the greatest gift I have ever received,

Thank you for Meredith,
I know without her so many times I would have been lost,

Thank you for my friends,
So many came rushing to my side when I needed them most,

Thank you for this new spark in my life,
She brings a light to my day,

I may have questioned, walked away, even damned you when my life has been tough
but deep within you never gave up.

Please God continue to give me the strength that I need right now,
Please God help me continue to let go,

You support has been and will be unwavering,
I thank you for your support and belief in me.

While something’s in my life have not played out the way I plan,
I am learning to trust you more and have that faith I so often write about,

My life has been a roller coaster the last few years, however one things is certain,
I am rediscovering myself and I am rediscovering my God

Thank you for me,
Thank you for this life,

Amen.

Luke and Amanda's Wedding Day

I was so honored to be the best man in Luke and Amanda's wedding; two of the people I love more than anything in this world. Amanda had asked me to write a little something for their wedding and now that there special day has hopefully settled in I would love to share with everyone what I wrote. Hope you enjoy it:



As we stand here today to bear witness to the union of Luke and Amanda, I ask those of you who are here with a loved one to take a moment and rededicate your love to those who are closest to you. Use this moment to say a prayer for those in need. Embrace the memory of a loved one who is no longer with us. I encourage all of you to use the joy in this room to be grateful for this wonderful day.

Let today not only be a day that will be cherished forever by Luke and Amanda, but also a day that we all chose to remember. Hold onto the wonderful feelings present in this room and remember those feelings do not need to be reserved only for special occasions. Use today as a reason to rekindle the flame of love that shines so bright. Hold that feeling in your heart and embrace the power of love.

Love is something that is always present. Love never fades, we as humans simply forget to open our hearts sometimes. In moments such as these life is perfect. I see the happiness pouring through Amanda’s eyes, and I feel the butterflies in my best friends stomach. This moment is a reminder that love is always there.

Marriage is not about owning anything or needing anything, but rather marriage is an opportunity to take the person you are with and grow. Marriage is an opportunity to grow as individuals, to grow as a couple and to grow as a family.

Marriage should not be about expecting anything, nor needing anything but rather marriage should be about believing that when you trust in yourself, you trust in each other, and you trust in God everything that you need will be there.

Becoming husband and wife is not about expecting to get anything but instead marriage is about those moments when you look in each other’s eyes and realize what you can give to each other. In this sharing you both become more complete.

Luke and Amanda as you come together today to take this beautiful step in your lives remember this moment right here when times get tough. Embrace the challenges together, trust in each other, open up to each other and there is nothing you will not be able to do.

The greatest gift you can give each other is the promise to be the best person you know how to be. A promise that does not rely on unreasonable expectations, but rather a belief that no matter how life unfolds we will take it in stride and do our best to be true to oneself.

In your best moments and in your worst moments, honor who you are, do not be afraid to turn to each other for comfort, trust that you are not alone and always remember that when you look at each other through the eyes of love first you will be guided by God.

***I love you guys!

Breathe in,
Breathe out,
Breathe in,
Breath out,

Ok this time I am going to get it...
This time I shall make it happen,
Today I am not going to chase my thoughts around in a circle
Right now my determination is strong,

Sit up straight,
Hands in your lap,
Relax your jaw,
Trust your body,

Breathe in deep,
I feel my lungs expand,
Breathe out,
I feel the cells of my body come alive,

Breathe in deep,
I feel myself sink into the couch,
Breathe out,
My shoulders melt away from my ears,
The knots in my stomach untie with ease,
My anxious mind begins to calm,

A sense of calm swallows my body,
My fast-paced world follows suit,
My mind is not focused on anything,
My spirit is shinning bright,

Breathe in,
Breathe out,
Breathe in,
Breathe out,

Happy!

I do not think the good times every left,
I do not think my happiness was every in doubt,
I do not think a smile was truly ever out of my grasp
I do not think the warmth of a puppy snuggle was every too far away,

I love waking up in these good moods,
I love looking forward to the day,
I love smiling about how sore I am because I over did it in the gym,
I love wondering what shall I do next,

I love sitting on my computer for hours chatting with a great friend because she is off on her own adventure,
I love feeling comfortable enough with a select few to share some of my most intimate feelings,

I hope I can keep this momentum going,
I hope those who have been there for me know just how much I love and appreciate them,
I hope I do not forget how great this energy flowing through me feels,
I hope I can help those who need it as much as they have helped me,

I did not ever give up I just merely stumbled along my path,
I did not ever lose faith, I simply asked why,
I did not ever doubt that there was a lesson to be learned, I just had trouble wrapping my head around it,
I did not ever stop hoping for better days, but I did get stuck,

I believe that the worst of it is over,
I believe that I am opening up to another again and it feels so good,
I believe my inner-strength has grown,
I believe that it had to happen as much as that still pains me to say,

I know without some of you I may not have made it,
I know that a dear friend shared his strength with me when I did not have enough of my own,
I know and finally believe that is was not all my fault,
I know that in my moments of weakness my Lord came to me with an open heart and comforted me,

I am so grateful to those who took a chance on me,
I am so grateful to those who gave me my new career,
I am so grateful for those new people in my life, who believe in me and support me,
I am so grateful that I feel like I am where I am suppose to be,


I am so humbled by the love and affection she has been giving me,
I am so humbled that she swept my little slip up under the rug,
I am so humbled that she is willing to drive 90 miles to come see me,
I am so humbled by the patience she has demonstrated,

I love this energy,
I love that I feel good,
I love that I will drink the occasional vodka-Redbull so I can keep up with her,
I love that I am once again looking forward to my days,

I appreciate what I have been going through,
I appreciate the tools I have been given to write these words,
I appreciate you, right now for reading my words, Thank you,
I appreciate the warm comforting feeling of the coffee and I sit here and write,

I am so happy to be sharing something other than my sorrows,
I am so happy that my family added two new members,
I am so excited to get back to Minnesota in less than two months,
I am so excited to say GOODBYE:

I hope she knows how grateful I am for our 7 years together,
I hope I continue to let her go and send her the light and love she deserves,
I wish her only the best and may she find in her heart what I could not give her.

I want to share this here even though its on my front page, it feels very fitting:

Love can and will come to those who still believe in it. Hope is the key. Even when faced with disappointment love will still find a way. Even after betrayal love will still knock on your door. Love will come to those who have been hurt before. I will never give up on love. I will even love those who no longer love me. Love is all there is and all there ever will be. -me

A fun and meaningful way to say I am sorry...

Feels like I am stuck in the dark,
Unaware of this light right in front of my heart,

Wound up and tight because we may never know,
Mad at myself because I refuse to let go,

Really grateful for all of the fun,
Too bad for us there may be no more sun,

Ignoring what at times felt so right,
Instead I let my mind start a meaningless fight,

Struggling with what's going on inside,
And yet there you were to come along for the ride,

Pushed you away, as if I did not care,
When in reality what it is; I'm just really scared,

Not sure what I want or how it should be,
But I do know I like having you next to me,

Really loving all the laughs,
Too bad we will never get to take that jacuzzi bath,

As I sit here getting this off my chest,
I can't help but think damn I miss those beautiful breasts,

Trying to make a joke,
Hoping it lands,
Wanting to show you that I would hold your hands,

Knowing its over,
Saying goodbye,
Thank you for making me the focus of your eye...

Cannot help it. God knows I try...

I am finding myself lost in sorrow right now,
I am finding myself regretting the past again,
No one ever told me it was going to be this hard,
No one ever told me it would hurt so much,

The nights are no longer my enemy but at times the days are still longer then I care for,
there is still love there,
there is still pain there,
she is still there

Is it because I held my emotions in for so long,
I feel like I am destined to keep repeating this pattern because I have yet to embrace all the gifts that come with this struggle,
I can write them here in words,
I can conceive them in my mind,
but here I am again,

i know i am not alone but
no one knows how I feel,
heads may be nodding as they read through this but I miss her,
God I fucking miss her...

Wishing I had the right words, the right actions,
but the pain just builds because I know the wall is too high to get over,
I can keep reaching
but my arms will merely fall by my sides as they grow tired

My words mean so much to me,
each one a precious gift,
it hurts that my words mean so much to me and yet she
can simply brush them away like trash on the street,

some will tell me that it is best to walk away,
and i know they are right,
i know it is time,
and yet every time I look over my shoulder there is still only one face that I wish was staring back at me,
only one i want in my arms,
only one i want in my heart,

why is it so hard to do and so easy to say,
i am trying to set you free,
i am trying to release you,
i want to open up this lock on my heart
but there is such a part of me that does not want to give you the key...

Farewell Anxiety

Heart racing faster than normal,
chest clenching down so tight,
I am having trouble trying to take a deep breathe,
from my shoulder to my back everything is locked into place,
it feels as if someone poured concrete through the muscles of my neck and back,

I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety lately,
it is my body’s way of telling me that mentally there are some things I have not faced yet,
the stress is simply fear that I am holding onto,
this war within me has been on and off for a while now,

I am getting pulled this way and that,
mind racing no matter how much I try to mediate,
no matter how much tapping I do,
trying to stop for the moment and it helps but it comes racing right back,

Once again I turn to the simplicity and comfort of my keyboard,
I am sorry I have not been here my old friend,
I know you will not let me down,
I know this releases these emotions
my fingers can barely keep up with the words I want to write,
once I open the flood gates and let go of the need to keep it in
so much I want to get out,

Why do people tell you they will help you out when you need it the most
Is it because they did not want to or because they changed their mind,
why not just tell the truth, it may sting for the moment but it fails in comparison to the constant questioning of why,
but if you say you will be there just be there,
do not play games, this is life,
if my communication was unclear I apologize,

Feel this fire burning within me,
This energy that is being released,
The power of these words means so much to me,
Tried so long to tell myself that it was not acceptable to get mad,

But wait,
I am beginning to realize the power in my anger,
I can find strength in these feelings,
I am accepting that when I release anger in the form of words I feel better,
Is this why I have been so anxious?
Because I was not allowed for so long to get angry?

Damn it feels good to let that bullshit go,
I am done with that, holding onto it any longer only hurts me,
my expectations are gone; I always knew what I would get anyway

Let’s keep this ball rolling,
how is it that she still gets to me,
I am doing my best to stay strong,
Have not caved, do not expect anything,
Hell at this point do not want anything,

Why I held on for so long no longer matters,
You disrespected me,
Made me believe it was my entire fault,
How untrue that really is,

Just let me go,
I do not care anymore that you are mad,
Nothing I ever did would have been enough so get over it,
Let it go, it is not only me that you are mad at
deep down;
It is you and it is just so much easier to try to place that blame on me,

Hell yes I fucked up,
Hell yes I made mistakes,
But I admit it, said my apologizes and put things in place to fix those issues,
Make me better, make us better, but it was just easier to walk away,
What a better person I have become because of the pure brutal honesty I was willing to look at myself with,
Embracing my faults actually feels good,

Wow! Take a breath,
Feeling better,
Back is relaxing,
Head is clearing,

I tend to forget I love to write when times are tough,
I get so overwhelmed with everything else and look to so many places and people to get me through these times,
I am so grateful for all of the help,
But the ones who have helped me the most are the ones who have shown me that I can do it myself!

I may get angry,
I may get anxious,
I accept that,
It actually feels good now that I am done convincing myself that it is so wrong,
That energy just produced some of the strongest emotions I have ever felt,
And I put them down right here and now and let them go,
I just learned from them rather than swallowing them,
my emotions are always trying to tell me something,
I promise to myself to no longer spoon feed myself these emotions that need to be released,
Instead I promise to myself to talk to you,
To talk to me,
To keep writing,
to keep believing,
To keep asking for help.

Thank you God for being with me this morning,
Thank you for giving me so many chances to learn,
I am calm,
I can be calm,
What a simple joy I just found in something that a mere two hours ago I thought was so wrong...