The creative outlet of Anthony Munkholm: thanks for reading

Healing through my words:

Life doesn't give you the people you want,
it gives you the people you need:
to love you, to hate you, to make you, to break you, & to make you the person you were meant to be. -unknown

Love can and will come to those who still believe in it. Hope is the key. Even when faced with disappointment love will still find a way. Even after betrayal love will still knock on your door. Love will come to those who have been hurt before. I will never give up on love. I will even love those who no longer love me. Love is all there is and all there ever will be. -me

I believe I have been given an opportunity to share my successes and my struggles, my up's and my down's, the good and the bad with those who find their way to my blog. I feel I have been given a gift to write. I feel in my heart part of my gift to the world comes through my words. My greatest joy comes through expressing myself here. I write for myself but I feel compelled to share it with you too. I believe in love, compassion, and understanding which I share here.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Farewell Anxiety

Heart racing faster than normal,
chest clenching down so tight,
I am having trouble trying to take a deep breathe,
from my shoulder to my back everything is locked into place,
it feels as if someone poured concrete through the muscles of my neck and back,

I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety lately,
it is my body’s way of telling me that mentally there are some things I have not faced yet,
the stress is simply fear that I am holding onto,
this war within me has been on and off for a while now,

I am getting pulled this way and that,
mind racing no matter how much I try to mediate,
no matter how much tapping I do,
trying to stop for the moment and it helps but it comes racing right back,

Once again I turn to the simplicity and comfort of my keyboard,
I am sorry I have not been here my old friend,
I know you will not let me down,
I know this releases these emotions
my fingers can barely keep up with the words I want to write,
once I open the flood gates and let go of the need to keep it in
so much I want to get out,

Why do people tell you they will help you out when you need it the most
Is it because they did not want to or because they changed their mind,
why not just tell the truth, it may sting for the moment but it fails in comparison to the constant questioning of why,
but if you say you will be there just be there,
do not play games, this is life,
if my communication was unclear I apologize,

Feel this fire burning within me,
This energy that is being released,
The power of these words means so much to me,
Tried so long to tell myself that it was not acceptable to get mad,

But wait,
I am beginning to realize the power in my anger,
I can find strength in these feelings,
I am accepting that when I release anger in the form of words I feel better,
Is this why I have been so anxious?
Because I was not allowed for so long to get angry?

Damn it feels good to let that bullshit go,
I am done with that, holding onto it any longer only hurts me,
my expectations are gone; I always knew what I would get anyway

Let’s keep this ball rolling,
how is it that she still gets to me,
I am doing my best to stay strong,
Have not caved, do not expect anything,
Hell at this point do not want anything,

Why I held on for so long no longer matters,
You disrespected me,
Made me believe it was my entire fault,
How untrue that really is,

Just let me go,
I do not care anymore that you are mad,
Nothing I ever did would have been enough so get over it,
Let it go, it is not only me that you are mad at
deep down;
It is you and it is just so much easier to try to place that blame on me,

Hell yes I fucked up,
Hell yes I made mistakes,
But I admit it, said my apologizes and put things in place to fix those issues,
Make me better, make us better, but it was just easier to walk away,
What a better person I have become because of the pure brutal honesty I was willing to look at myself with,
Embracing my faults actually feels good,

Wow! Take a breath,
Feeling better,
Back is relaxing,
Head is clearing,

I tend to forget I love to write when times are tough,
I get so overwhelmed with everything else and look to so many places and people to get me through these times,
I am so grateful for all of the help,
But the ones who have helped me the most are the ones who have shown me that I can do it myself!

I may get angry,
I may get anxious,
I accept that,
It actually feels good now that I am done convincing myself that it is so wrong,
That energy just produced some of the strongest emotions I have ever felt,
And I put them down right here and now and let them go,
I just learned from them rather than swallowing them,
my emotions are always trying to tell me something,
I promise to myself to no longer spoon feed myself these emotions that need to be released,
Instead I promise to myself to talk to you,
To talk to me,
To keep writing,
to keep believing,
To keep asking for help.

Thank you God for being with me this morning,
Thank you for giving me so many chances to learn,
I am calm,
I can be calm,
What a simple joy I just found in something that a mere two hours ago I thought was so wrong...

1 comment:

  1. Hey Anthony, please be sure and reread this piece and follow it. It seems to have helped you release a lot and that is a good thing. i wish I would have had that talent years ago,it might have been easier and quicker for me. Now just get over it and get on with all the great you are and you offer to all. Dad and yes I love and care!!!!