Clearly we had both wronged each other so much that we failed to see the beauty of each other’s eyes. Clearly we were so caught up in our anger and distrust for each other that we forgot we lived in sunny Southern California. Clearly we let the loneliness of that moment block us to the memories of our 7 years together. Clearly we were both so lost in that exact moment that we forgot how much we loved each other when we got married. Clearly the anxiety of that car ride had become so negative we forgot how much anticipation there once was.
It was obvious the magic that had once convinced a woman to move to California and take a chance was now replaced by the disappointment that it turned out this way. It was obvious that there was such a strong disgust now that we forgot how much lust their once was. It was obvious that we had totally forgotten about those qualities that we had come to love because we were so focused on the qualities that we hated about each other.
That car ride home I will never forget. As she poured out feelings of how frustrated she was I poured out mine too. Her frustrations took the shapes of all the times I had wronged her. As neither of us would let each other’s words through the tension continued to mount. Like a cannon I went off. In a moment of fury I threw my cell phone and in an instant her windshield cracked from top to bottom. Immediately I knew in I had gone too far. I never intended to throw it but at that time my anger had not learned of healthier methods of release. As I stared at the cracks in the windshield she froze. Caught in fear, instinct took over for her. She got us home and blocked out my worthless attempts to beg for her forgiveness. That very moment marks the instance she knew she was done. No longer was she going to be a victim. No longer was she going to be in a relationship where she had to feel scared, worthless, and taken advantage of. No longer was she going to stay in a marriage that made her unhappy. In her mind that broken windshield represented our broken marriage.
As I sat on the couch yelling at myself I knew it was over. She told me it was time for me to go. Shaken to my very core I know I failed to realize the true seriousness of the situation. My marriage was over, my wife was gone, the switch was flipped and there was no getting her back. And yet I asked myself how could she tell me she wanted a separation? How fucking selfish of her. I was not ready to quit, I was not ready to throw in the towel. I was ready to keep fighting. However, my relationship did not need anymore fighting, in needed peace and love, and fighting for it was the last way more love was going to come about.
As the therapist said, “I think it would be best if you two took a break for a while” fear set in. Reluctantly I agreed against my own inner-voice to move out at the end of the month. Scared of what lay before me she grabbed my hand. The simple gesture of her touching my hand when I was so scared filled me with hope. As we walked out of the office hand and hand I knew we could make this right. I knew she was still there, hanging on by a thread but still there. Right there I swore to myself I was going to do everything in my power to win her back. I just knew I was going to get her back. I was so convinced that I would fix this...