Cannot help it. God knows I try...

I am finding myself lost in sorrow right now,
I am finding myself regretting the past again,
No one ever told me it was going to be this hard,
No one ever told me it would hurt so much,

The nights are no longer my enemy but at times the days are still longer then I care for,
there is still love there,
there is still pain there,
she is still there

Is it because I held my emotions in for so long,
I feel like I am destined to keep repeating this pattern because I have yet to embrace all the gifts that come with this struggle,
I can write them here in words,
I can conceive them in my mind,
but here I am again,

i know i am not alone but
no one knows how I feel,
heads may be nodding as they read through this but I miss her,
God I fucking miss her...

Wishing I had the right words, the right actions,
but the pain just builds because I know the wall is too high to get over,
I can keep reaching
but my arms will merely fall by my sides as they grow tired

My words mean so much to me,
each one a precious gift,
it hurts that my words mean so much to me and yet she
can simply brush them away like trash on the street,

some will tell me that it is best to walk away,
and i know they are right,
i know it is time,
and yet every time I look over my shoulder there is still only one face that I wish was staring back at me,
only one i want in my arms,
only one i want in my heart,

why is it so hard to do and so easy to say,
i am trying to set you free,
i am trying to release you,
i want to open up this lock on my heart
but there is such a part of me that does not want to give you the key...

Farewell Anxiety

Heart racing faster than normal,
chest clenching down so tight,
I am having trouble trying to take a deep breathe,
from my shoulder to my back everything is locked into place,
it feels as if someone poured concrete through the muscles of my neck and back,

I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety lately,
it is my body’s way of telling me that mentally there are some things I have not faced yet,
the stress is simply fear that I am holding onto,
this war within me has been on and off for a while now,

I am getting pulled this way and that,
mind racing no matter how much I try to mediate,
no matter how much tapping I do,
trying to stop for the moment and it helps but it comes racing right back,

Once again I turn to the simplicity and comfort of my keyboard,
I am sorry I have not been here my old friend,
I know you will not let me down,
I know this releases these emotions
my fingers can barely keep up with the words I want to write,
once I open the flood gates and let go of the need to keep it in
so much I want to get out,

Why do people tell you they will help you out when you need it the most
Is it because they did not want to or because they changed their mind,
why not just tell the truth, it may sting for the moment but it fails in comparison to the constant questioning of why,
but if you say you will be there just be there,
do not play games, this is life,
if my communication was unclear I apologize,

Feel this fire burning within me,
This energy that is being released,
The power of these words means so much to me,
Tried so long to tell myself that it was not acceptable to get mad,

But wait,
I am beginning to realize the power in my anger,
I can find strength in these feelings,
I am accepting that when I release anger in the form of words I feel better,
Is this why I have been so anxious?
Because I was not allowed for so long to get angry?

Damn it feels good to let that bullshit go,
I am done with that, holding onto it any longer only hurts me,
my expectations are gone; I always knew what I would get anyway

Let’s keep this ball rolling,
how is it that she still gets to me,
I am doing my best to stay strong,
Have not caved, do not expect anything,
Hell at this point do not want anything,

Why I held on for so long no longer matters,
You disrespected me,
Made me believe it was my entire fault,
How untrue that really is,

Just let me go,
I do not care anymore that you are mad,
Nothing I ever did would have been enough so get over it,
Let it go, it is not only me that you are mad at
deep down;
It is you and it is just so much easier to try to place that blame on me,

Hell yes I fucked up,
Hell yes I made mistakes,
But I admit it, said my apologizes and put things in place to fix those issues,
Make me better, make us better, but it was just easier to walk away,
What a better person I have become because of the pure brutal honesty I was willing to look at myself with,
Embracing my faults actually feels good,

Wow! Take a breath,
Feeling better,
Back is relaxing,
Head is clearing,

I tend to forget I love to write when times are tough,
I get so overwhelmed with everything else and look to so many places and people to get me through these times,
I am so grateful for all of the help,
But the ones who have helped me the most are the ones who have shown me that I can do it myself!

I may get angry,
I may get anxious,
I accept that,
It actually feels good now that I am done convincing myself that it is so wrong,
That energy just produced some of the strongest emotions I have ever felt,
And I put them down right here and now and let them go,
I just learned from them rather than swallowing them,
my emotions are always trying to tell me something,
I promise to myself to no longer spoon feed myself these emotions that need to be released,
Instead I promise to myself to talk to you,
To talk to me,
To keep writing,
to keep believing,
To keep asking for help.

Thank you God for being with me this morning,
Thank you for giving me so many chances to learn,
I am calm,
I can be calm,
What a simple joy I just found in something that a mere two hours ago I thought was so wrong...

2012

It is 2012 and I have been saying for many years that I have believed and felt deep inside that 30 was going to be the best year of my life. Well I am 8 days away from my birthday and I am seeing signs that my life is really headed in the right direction.

It may sound so cliché’ but I am getting a fresh start and doing my best to make peace with my past. I lost someone very close to me in 2011. Will never truly be able to wrap my head around how she ended it so fast, but I feel like I am getting to the point where I can simply release her and send her love and light. I truly hope she finds whatever it is that I could not provide her with. I hope she knows I how much I love her and that I will never forget her.

What gifts we brought to each other. Finally the assertiveness that I knew was always hiding in her somewhere is finding the strength to come through. From a willingness to see the others point of view she merely did what she felt was her only option to put an end to something she could no longer be around.

I am no longer afraid to be on my own, here I am in my new place typing about how bright the future before me is looking. What massive growth has taken place in four short months. With my back against the wall, not knowing what to do I did my best to stay strong. And while at times I took the easy way out and got lost in a bottle once or twice I kept pushing on. I kept praying to God, turning to my family and my friends who all believed in me.

Unwavering support for me that I will never ever forget. Friends took me in and let me impose on their lives for four months, baby and all they embraced me and truly made me feel like I was part of their family. What a beautiful gift they gave me, I felt safe, secure, and most of all loved.

A close friend who went through an even tougher situation in my opinion put his own hurt aside and was there for me morning or night, complaining or crying, needing advice or simply needing to bitch, how grateful am I.

Someone close to me who could of easily cut ties with me stood by my side. He said he would be there for me no matter what because I was there for him when he needed it the most. What a beautiful act of selflessness.

There are so many people I would love to thank right here but the list would go on forever. Just know that if you were there for me I am so grateful and will never forget it.
A special thank you to my immediate family: Mom, Dad, Kim, Angie, Dave, Ally, Zachary thank you for never letting me give up, thank you for supporting me no matter what I wanted. Thank you for supporting me when I refused to think with my brain and kept thinking with my heart.

It really feels that life has bigger plans for me than I have ever had for myself. It feels like I am not alone even though I just packed up and moved away from everything I know.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “ Believe in yourself. You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face... You must do that which you think you cannot do.”

How proud of myself am I for facing my fears and just doing it. I thought packing up my life and leaving for the Navy was scary, that fails in comparison to the most recent steps in my life. Here I am in a new city, a new home, not knowing anyone and yet I cannot help but be a little excited about what is to come. Yes I am a little stressed (OK a lot but I have help for that too, Dr Eisen my amazing teacher) and my body kindly reminds me that I have some things I still need to work on.

Even though I am so far from my home I know I am not alone. I know I can go within and talk to my Source and feel that love that I crave. I know I can pick up the phone and call those closest to me and they will cheer me on. I even know a few may make the trek down South to come see me (Janine made it first)!

Well 2011 sort of kicked me in the ass, and now in 2012 I feel like it is my turn to kick back. As long as I continue to write I believe everything will be just fine. Expressing my feelings on paper, whether good or bad is such a release for me. I merely write for myself but as I have shared on my blog over the last two years the feedback I get encourages me to continue to share. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read my words, I hope you enjoy them and hope they may help you as they help me.
Here is to the best 2012 for all of us!

Healing through my words:

Healing through my words:

How did this happen
How did I lose one I love the most,
This was not in the plan,
Why did I have to leave my home,
And then my job too,
Fucking great now my back is hurting again for the first time in many years,
Who would be able to stay strong through this bullshit,
Why would anyone want to stay strong through this,

Feeling completely empty,
How could things have gone so wrong,
I am such a good person, why is this happening?
Filled with so many tears,
Anger raging through my veins I literally see my hair stand up on its own,
Yelling at God, such pain in my heart,
I do not deserve this...
I have broken many bones, had many injuries, been to war twice and it all fails in comparison to that hurting in my heart right now,

Literally on my knees in a moment of true surrender,
Never thought I knew how,
Begging for help,
Crying out to the Heavens,
Turns out letting go feels better than any amount of control I ever tried to have,
This may not be the way I expected things to unfold,
But the potential has become so great,
In this moment of pure loss the desire for great gains was born in me,
Enough trust in my Spirit, my family, my friends, that better days are ahead of me,

Certainly not sure the specifics of where my life is headed,
But the anticipation is really beginning to build,
Some of the struggle did not last very long,
My commitment to my God keeps me going,
The constant support from family and friends was unwavering,
Gaining strength from those who believe in me,
Excitement about this new journey in my life,
Truly been given an opportunity to do what I was put on this planet to do,

How amazing is it that I am about to become more abundant doing something that I love,
How great is it that I am still so young and I feel I am now in a position I was meant to be in,
Given this opportunity to make a difference in a community,
Given the chance to teach people,
Doing my best to inspire people to be their best,
Knowing I have a career now has taken me to another level of thinking,
Feeling so much more confident,
Thanking my Spirit everyday for the gifts I have been given,

Trying to believe that I could make it happen,
And I DID,
Doing my best to embrace the fear,
Wishing my body was feeling better,
Knowing that if I can handle this and make it through this I can do anything,
I already made it through this...

Accepting the pain, knowing it will not last, reminding myself that this too is just temporary,
Looking for the gifts in the pain,
I really believe the pain keeps me humble and compassionate to those who also struggle with pain,
This pain is not so bad, trying to accept that it is just another experience,

Not saying I am over the pain that I have been through,
But it has taken me to a new level of growth, one I did not think even I know I was headed for,
Seeing the gifts already that I have been given,
What confidence I have in myself these days,
Seeing the other side more and more,
Wishing the best, sending the love, and trying to let go of the hurt,
Learning from my mistakes,
Accepting my shortcomings is the fastest way to move on,

Not even close to ready to let go of her,
Feel like this time apart has simply made me love her more,
Still wishing everyday to have her back,
Knowing it would be great if we simply tried,

But so grateful because her light put me in this position,
Her dark allowed me to shine so bright,
Appreciating everything we went through,
Loving her in a way I have never loved anyone before,
Good or bad just pure love without expectation,
Forgiveness brings me more love,
Forgiveness is helping me heal my wounds,
Forgiveness for myself and forgiveness for my love

Now here I am moving forward,
I will still look back but now it feels like I can see the good,
Understand the bad,
And wish for the best!

Broken Heart

Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. -Tennyson

I am not so sure I agree with this statement. I have read it many times, quoted it at random and seen it used in the movies...
Never really anticipated I would be at a crossroads in my life where this statement means so much...

Did not foresee this is how things would end,
This unbearable aching in my heart,
Tightness in my back, stiffness in my thighs, barely able to turn my neck,
So painfully obvious that my body is doing its part to bear some of this emotional burden,
Wanting to thank my body for taking some of the toll but the frustrataion just runs deeper
Such an unfamiliar feeling to me this sadness that radiates through every fiber of my being,

And here I thought I could trick my emotions, I am over this,
Convincing everyone else that I have made peace when in reality
I feel like my struggles have just begun,

Masking the feelings with some booze only to have them coming roaring back twice as hard the next day
Fooling yourself that you are ready to move on, making a fool of yourself in front of another because you cannot hold it together,
These peaks and valleys are like nothing I have ever experienced
How is it possible to go from so high to so low so fast?
How is it that you can never say the right thing?
What else can I do but be as strong as I can and accept this will be a long ride...

And now I have decided not to run from my emotions but rather accept that sadness to is just a feeling, and I am hoping if I just let it run its course...

Feeling like I let something so good get away from me,
Regretting some of the decisions that I have made,
Getting lost in this darkness for now rather than trying to trick myself out of it,
Questioning my faith, wondering how this serves me,

In this darkest of dark moments I still feel strong, I still see the light, although it is dim,
I wish for the end to come soon,
I hope for better days,
I look forward to the day when I can sit back and appreciate all that this taught me
For now I just accept that I am sad...

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation -Gilbran

Leap of Faith

I have never truly known what taking a leap of faith or “let go and let God” truly means. The concept makes sense but how does one truly surrender, how does one simply trust the experiences in there lives are what is needed? I write about my need for control a lot and one of the greatest struggles in my life is trying to control things that I cannot.

I have been told for some the only way to accept that you have no control is to experience a great loss. Therefore I am choosing to believe that if I am willing to let go, it is like cutting the sand bags of a hot air balloon and then I will ascend higher than I could have ever imagined.

For me at this point in my life: letting go does not mean I sit back and wait for things to happen, but it does mean that I trust this process. It is an excellent feeling when I look up to the heavens and say, Lord I am open to anything because I am not sure where I want to go now.

Letting go does not mean you have to make drastic changes in your life but I feel it is important to make the best of where I am. I believe when I can be grateful and happy with where I am at I will allow more goodness to come into my life.

Surrendering for me is admitting that change happens, and that change is not a bad thing. The first few days of change can be so hard, but things settle, they always do.

In my life I still will fall into the need to control but as the Rolling Stones said, “You can’t always get what you want but you will find you get what you need!”

And now....

Feeling so much better about the way things are unfolding but still lost in the confusion about what all the lessons that are to be learned from this experience.

No more tears are necessary, empathy tends to lead to compassion in my mind, and while I will never truly understand the other side I know what happen was believed to be for the best. So many gifts have already come.

Believing for the first time in my life that I can truly make it on my own, at times even eager to see how this all plays out, excited because the opportunities that are before me are beginning to seem like they are endless.

More determined than ever to make it, most days not even worrying because I know if I need anything else at this moment my spirit would have already provided it to me.

Not so much filled with regret anymore, regret only hurts me, not really filled with anger either, I know it can still get me sometimes but it can get the best of all of us.

Letting myself off the hook; finally, because I know I did the best I could with what I had. Patting myself on the back for making such an effort, proud of myself for getting the help that was always there.

So grateful to all of those who helped keep me moving towards the light, so grateful to those who allowed me to stay in the dark if only for a minute, because in the dark comes many gifts as well, loving all of the support, hard to explain how loved I feel.
Knowing not all days will be great but understanding I do have the ability to try to do something about it, changing my perspective, knowing I can either feel sorry for myself or step-up and look forward.

A dear friend of mine told me to stop looking at the back of the head’s of those walking away from you and start looking into the eyes of those heading towards you...
Nervous for what the future holds, but the type of nervousness that makes great things happen,

Anxious energy I have found can be positive when I pour it into my writing, so grateful I have been blessed with this gift to pour my feelings into a piece of paper, love the feeling when the words come through me and not from me,

Excited because so many have made me feel so loved,

Relieved because I am loving myself more and more,

Hopeful for these new relationships that are coming my way,
Even a few butterflies in my stomach, which is such a fun feeling,

Optimistic because I know many will benefit because of the work I have been doing,

Even when the rain pours down hard I know it will not last. I have been through so much in my life and when I look back every part of it has made me such a better man. This is merely a torn page in the story of my life and has rekindled in me my passion to constantly move forward, to become better, to keep searching, to keep loving. I am in all my humanness imperfectly, perfect!

Control

Right here, right now I am in control.
I have struggled my whole life with the need for control.
I may even venture to say it has been my greatest challenge in life so far, and most likely always will be,

Ask me how well I do in controlling things that are uncontrollable and I may come up with a few good answers. I may have a few good one-liners, but in reality I am just as far from being in control today as I was the very first time I tried.

I have tried to control others,
I have tried to control the events of my life,
I have tried to make others see things the way I think they should,
I have question other’s beliefs,
I have in all my glorious foolishness tried to control just about everything,

What a struggle control can be,
What a constant tugging and pulling battle within me as I try,
It is no wonder at times I have no energy,
It is no surprise that sometimes my body finally says “Hey time to slow down” in the form of a headache or my most recent addition of a hernia.

Where the beauty comes in, where the truth shines through, where I feel proud is in the moments I have where I realize my faults.
The true strength comes in those few moments where I am willing to let myself off the hook,
My greatest potential is in those glimpses of true vulnerability, when I pray to God for help because I realize I really cannot control anything.
One of my biggest faults comes in the form of a few simple words:

THE CONSTANT PURSUIT OF PERFECTION

What powerful words. The constant pursuit of perfection. The perfect job, the perfect body, the perfect wife, really the list is endless.

The most basic flaw with the pursuit of perfection is so many of us compare our definition of perfection to your definition of perfection.

In constant pursuit of this I have come to a few realizations. The first is there is no need for perfection (as I struggle to swallow this one myself). Second who decides what perfect is anyway. I think it is safe to say that there are as many definitions of perfection as there are people on this planet. Our diversity is what makes us human, therefore really there is no PERFECT.

Honestly it is not the pursuit of perfection that is necessarily the bad part, for me the pursuit of perfection has served me very well. Perfection is a very powerful motivator in my life. I believe the strong drive in me to always be better, to always improve is a good thing. I think it is the driving force behind the evolution of my life.

I am learning to use that driving force to be a positive influence in my life. I am accepting that not only do I not want to be perfect but also it would not serve me well. What happens if I am suddenly PERFECT? Does that mean I no longer have any goals? Does that mean I no longer wish to improve upon anything in my life? Well what would be the fun in that?

I believe I am here to rediscover myself in this journey called life. I belief the purpose of life is the evolution of my soul. I believe that the good and the bad in my life come to me at just the right time so I as a person, as spirit can continue to grow.

Ultimately I truly believe the entire point of life is to learn to love yourself no matter what. Unconditional love is hard to come by from others. However, I am learning to love myself always, in all-ways. If I cannot love myself when things are tough, or when I am down how can I expect someone else too. I believe Love is all there is, I believe God is always with me, and when I stop and breath I am reminded of that constant love that is flowing through me and to me at all times. It really is a simple plan: Love thyself, no matter what!

I am suppose to make mistakes, I am suppose to want to do better, I can and will thrive when I stumble because I am not one to stay down forever. If it were not for my mistakes in life who would I be today.

I have met small challenges in my life with small improvements, I have met some of the biggest challenges in my life with some of my greatest breakthroughs. Some challenges in my life I still struggle with...

In these lessons of life some of my greatest teachers have been shown to me. In some of my mistakes I have discovered just how strong I am, how brave I can be, and how much I love those around me. My most recent mistake has brought me new amazing friends who took care of me when I was down. I have never felt such appreciation.

As my life continues I am going to do my best, make some mistakes and try to learn from them. I will try to love everyone the way I wish to be loved. I accept I will make mistakes. And I will remind myself frequently that the greatest source of love I have is within myself. Simply close my eyes, let go and let God!