Control

Right here, right now I am in control.
I have struggled my whole life with the need for control.
I may even venture to say it has been my greatest challenge in life so far, and most likely always will be,

Ask me how well I do in controlling things that are uncontrollable and I may come up with a few good answers. I may have a few good one-liners, but in reality I am just as far from being in control today as I was the very first time I tried.

I have tried to control others,
I have tried to control the events of my life,
I have tried to make others see things the way I think they should,
I have question other’s beliefs,
I have in all my glorious foolishness tried to control just about everything,

What a struggle control can be,
What a constant tugging and pulling battle within me as I try,
It is no wonder at times I have no energy,
It is no surprise that sometimes my body finally says “Hey time to slow down” in the form of a headache or my most recent addition of a hernia.

Where the beauty comes in, where the truth shines through, where I feel proud is in the moments I have where I realize my faults.
The true strength comes in those few moments where I am willing to let myself off the hook,
My greatest potential is in those glimpses of true vulnerability, when I pray to God for help because I realize I really cannot control anything.
One of my biggest faults comes in the form of a few simple words:

THE CONSTANT PURSUIT OF PERFECTION

What powerful words. The constant pursuit of perfection. The perfect job, the perfect body, the perfect wife, really the list is endless.

The most basic flaw with the pursuit of perfection is so many of us compare our definition of perfection to your definition of perfection.

In constant pursuit of this I have come to a few realizations. The first is there is no need for perfection (as I struggle to swallow this one myself). Second who decides what perfect is anyway. I think it is safe to say that there are as many definitions of perfection as there are people on this planet. Our diversity is what makes us human, therefore really there is no PERFECT.

Honestly it is not the pursuit of perfection that is necessarily the bad part, for me the pursuit of perfection has served me very well. Perfection is a very powerful motivator in my life. I believe the strong drive in me to always be better, to always improve is a good thing. I think it is the driving force behind the evolution of my life.

I am learning to use that driving force to be a positive influence in my life. I am accepting that not only do I not want to be perfect but also it would not serve me well. What happens if I am suddenly PERFECT? Does that mean I no longer have any goals? Does that mean I no longer wish to improve upon anything in my life? Well what would be the fun in that?

I believe I am here to rediscover myself in this journey called life. I belief the purpose of life is the evolution of my soul. I believe that the good and the bad in my life come to me at just the right time so I as a person, as spirit can continue to grow.

Ultimately I truly believe the entire point of life is to learn to love yourself no matter what. Unconditional love is hard to come by from others. However, I am learning to love myself always, in all-ways. If I cannot love myself when things are tough, or when I am down how can I expect someone else too. I believe Love is all there is, I believe God is always with me, and when I stop and breath I am reminded of that constant love that is flowing through me and to me at all times. It really is a simple plan: Love thyself, no matter what!

I am suppose to make mistakes, I am suppose to want to do better, I can and will thrive when I stumble because I am not one to stay down forever. If it were not for my mistakes in life who would I be today.

I have met small challenges in my life with small improvements, I have met some of the biggest challenges in my life with some of my greatest breakthroughs. Some challenges in my life I still struggle with...

In these lessons of life some of my greatest teachers have been shown to me. In some of my mistakes I have discovered just how strong I am, how brave I can be, and how much I love those around me. My most recent mistake has brought me new amazing friends who took care of me when I was down. I have never felt such appreciation.

As my life continues I am going to do my best, make some mistakes and try to learn from them. I will try to love everyone the way I wish to be loved. I accept I will make mistakes. And I will remind myself frequently that the greatest source of love I have is within myself. Simply close my eyes, let go and let God!

Rambling...

I am in the mood to write but I do not feel the inspiration,
And yet I find it comforting to open up my heart, relax my mind, and pour my thoughts into this computer,

I have always enjoyed writing. Short stories were a pure pleasure of mine growing up. Journaling has been something I have done consistently for as long as I can remember.

Do I really need a reason to write?
Do I need to experience a moment in my life that stops me before I am willing to find myself in front of this screen?

Why do I not just keep writing for the shear pleasure of it? Why not write because it brings me joy?
I love how when I write I feel free. I love how when I write I am so willing to let my guard down and actually face whatever feelings I am having; good or bad. I love how when I write I keep the left corner of my mouth open with my tongue gently touching my lips.

I love when the creative juices get flowing. It is a great place to be when that little voice within me takes over and it is like I am just taking notes for someone else. What a great place to be when you feel like you are on the verge of something great. The words just seem to flow.

Does it even matter if anyone read this? Perhaps I will not even share it. There are so many previous escapades already saved on to my hard drive that will never find their way to my blog.

What freedom a journal offers. No restrictions, no fears, for many of us it is the only place we can truly be us. For those who do not use them I almost feel sorry because until you get lost in a rambling of your own words you miss out on the power they hold.

We can let our dark side come out with no fear of repercussion. My private world may scare some of you and yet I hope some are willing to dive in with me and find out that there is more to me than I sometimes let on.

My journal is also my place to pat myself on the back. Huge accomplishments that I do not want to ever let go. And even the small ones. My journal is such a fun place to toot my own horn. I am not arrogant or cocky, I know I am good and this is my place to tell myself that.

I am happy today. I have been happy a lot lately. My head has not been hurting as much. I am moving in the right direction and I am taking satisfaction in that. My moods are much higher. Those around me have noticed. I am trying to light up others days with the positive vibes I have been feeling. I almost feel like lately I have been blessed with this gift of helping others raise their vibration. I want to help others. Nothing amazing just put a smile on their faces, perhaps a few butterflies in the tummy. I want them to feel my good mood. I want to feel their good moods, share in that energy and watch us both shine.

Trying to let go of all wounds, and not worry about ones that may come my way. Instead I have been enjoying this moment right here and now. I have been breathing more, reading more, observing more.

In this instant, right here, right now, there is so much going on, it is such a shame so many of us get caught up in the whirlwinds of yesterday. It is even harder on us when we start wasting energy worrying about days yet to come.

Toady has been great. I smiled today, I found reasons to feel good today. Even when I was worried today, I came out on top and realized I did not need to get caught up in those feelings but rather thank them for what they showed me and then simply let them go.

I love to write. I love trying to keep up with what is going on in my mind. I love wondering if anyone reading this is keeping up with me?

Opportunities

Opportunities can present themselves in the strangest ways sometimes,
As the sheer panic and anxiety increased so did the chance to conquer them,
This is not about me,
I need to focus,
I need to act quickly,

In an instant all negativity is vanished,
Those feelings were wisped away like a leaf in the wind,
I would do anything for you,
Praying to God that everything will be o.k.
Practically on my knees begging for mercy,
Wishing we were not alone,

Asking for help and strength,
Asking to not be alone,
Asking to understand,
Asking what I need to do,

In that moment it came to me like a light being switched on,
Instantaneous confidence, a reassurance that we are not alone,
A sense of strength that I know I need right now,
Feeling love in the most perfect form,
Tears rolling down as I hold your hand,
Calm racing through my body, anxiety decreasing,
Concentrating on what matters,
Amazingly my head does not hurt at all,

There is a desire burning within me,
In a strange way this unfortunate situation is the perfect opportunity,
Knowing more than ever that this is the time,
Seeing the perfection in the way the things unfolded,

A chance to close the gap,
An occasion to be what you keep saying you want to be,
The time for us to be what we know we can be,
Moving forward with a clean slate,

There is a certain beauty in the way the Universe works,
A unique perfection if one is willing to step back,
Every situation good or bad is an opportunity for growth,
There is help if we simply surrender and ask,
It is undeniable that love is the answer,
Love is all we every need.

29

Today I have been on this planet for 29 years, as I sit here and reflect I have many fond memories of great times. As I think about all of those good times I am hopeful that 29 is going to be my best year. I have many things I would like to accomplish this year before I reach 30. So many small things, and throw in a few big things to keep the Universe on its toes.

I am excited this year because I have a lot of wonderful things to look forward too; the first thing that jumps out at me is Meredith. We will be together for 5 years this April. I get to travel to Chicago at the end of the month, one of my best friends is getting married, I am doing well in grad school, and it seems to me that opportunities will just keep coming to me.

Meredith and I

There have been plenty of bumps in our road but to be together after 5 years is a testament to us and our willingness to face adversity. However there has been plenty to laugh about too. I still remember when we drove out to California for the first time. I had just purchased my new car, which I happily named Lucille, which drove Meredith nuts. But I loved that car; it was my first new car that I saved and saved to pay for. There was the excitement of driving through Nebraska:) and seeing the Colorado Rockies for the first time. Stopping off in Vegas and eating myself so stupid at a buffet that Meredith literally had to push me up the stairs to get back to my car. Arriving in California and at first being utterly filled with disappoint. In hindsight it was not that I disliked Cali I was just so nervous to be 3000 miles away from everyone and everything I knew.

What about getting married on the beach in Santa Barbara, it really could not of been any more perfect. Meredith looked amazing, I looked all right myself, we had our families there and our Chaplin was amazing. The food was great, the weather was nice, and everything just fell into place that day. Do I dare mention that two and half bottles of champagne later that I was so drunk on my way to the bathroom I walked right into the glass door of the hotel room that divided the dining room from the bedroom. She may never let me live that one down.

Oh and how wonderful it was to meet up with the family the next morning for brunch and explain to them how bad I need a bloody Mary because I was hung over something fierce.

The road got a little rough there for a while, but I find it hard to believe there is any marriage that it always stays peachy. We stayed at it, kept plugging away and now that we are almost to five years, we can rest our heads knowing we weathered the storm.

29 has a lot of things to offer to me and when I look at the big picture there are so many things falling into place and things to be happy about that I need not trip up over the small things. I have a wife that loves me, a great family, some really good friends, some excellent clients, we live in an amazing house in a beautiful place, we own our cars, we have health insurance, we have great jobs, we never go hungry, we can stay warm at night, we have our puppies, the list really does just keep going.

29 is going to be the year that I start to face more of my fears, try new things, stay committed to having even more fun. I started the year off on a bang and went and hung out with a bunch of people I have never met before. This is a huge accomplishment in the world of Anthony. I was proud of myself and long behold I actually had a good time. I am going to pursue other opportunities for employment, I do not need to stop training but I am certainly not opposed to finding something better.

29 are going to be the year that I stop this fucking struggle with my health. These headaches will become obsolete, I rarely get them anymore. I know how to keep them at bay and I just need to stick to what works. I have a great teacher, she showed me how and I can do it. I know everything I need to do, I am capable of doing it and I will do the best I can and then let the big man guide me the rest of the way.

29 is going to be the year I relax more, I am willing to admit that I cannot always be in control. I can be really chill and calm for the most part but let’s not forget who my mother is, it certainly is a change of pace :). Breaking old habits can be hard but I have already come so far. I believe I can have control over how I let any situation affect me, but I may not always control what happens. That is ok, that is something I am going to have to work at but I can do it.

29 is going to be the year that I learn to nap when I am tired. Simply giving myself permission to let go for a few hours will do me great benefits. I can do this. I have a wife who is wonderful at napping and I can do it with her.

1-28 was all great in the own right. The ups, the downs, the knowing, the not knowing. It was all perfect and exactly what I needed to get me to this point. 29 will be the best year of my life. It already is as I sit here and reflect how good things really have been.

Why I choose FAITH

After an incredibly in-depth conversation with a dear friend of mine recently I have been inspired to write about faith.

The basis of much of our conversations was based on how could I choose faith? Why do I believe in hope? How do I see the good in those that may not even see it in themselves?

I choose to believe that FAITH stands for Finding Answers In The Heart. I believe that I decide how I feel. I believe that if I continue to practice my meditation and stay committed to living in the now my heart will give me everything that I need.

When I am sad, anger, ANXIOUS, I believe the energy inside of me is trying to get my attention. I believe that I am in control of my anxiety and ever since I put my foot down I do not lose as much.

I choose to have FAITH because in my darkest hour, when I thought my family and friends had given up on me, I discovered I was not alone. I felt the presence of something so great I knew it was important to go on. I knew that I was not finished yet. I knew that no amount of science could answer what I felt; I knew that it was all that there is. I saw my place, I understood my purpose, and I took my head out of the clouds, saw the sun and knew why I was here.

I choose to have FAITH because I am willing to admit that there are things I just do not understand. I have FAITH because I see the signs when I pay attention. I have FATIH because I have seen the clues, felt the presence, and got glimpses of it in action. I have FAITH because I understand and am willing to admit that I have not evolved to the point that I can truly grasp all parts of my existence.

I choose to have FAITH because I believe everyone is doing the best that they can. I choose to have FAITH because I know there are those that do not. I stay strong and committed to my FAITH because I want to be a light for those who are trapped in the dark.

I have FAITH because I believe there is way more to life than what is in front of our faces. I believe there is more to life then what our brains can conceive. I have FAITH because some things are not meant to be explained.

I choose to have FAITH because without it I felt alone. I choose to have FAITH because when I abandoned it my life felt harder. I choose to have FAITH because it turns out I have always had everything I need.

My FAITH comforts me when I am sad, my FAITH pats me on the back when I am down or lost, my FAITH is strong enough that I can stay committed to it in the face of adversity. In some of my darkest hours when many would question if this were just a bunch of bullshit for weak-minded people I found the strength to push on.

I found the perseverance to say that Yes I can make it through this, that there was a reason I went to war, saw extreme violence, went through my parents divorce, grew up poor, got lost in drugs, had my heart broken over and over, I came out on top. It does not matter what happened yesterday because today I found FAITH I found a reason to feel good, I found a reason to believe, what can be more beautiful than that?

I have FAITH because I can still find a reason to smile. I have FAITH because even when things are tough I can feel good about something. I have hope that if I hold onto the positives in my life the bad will work its way out. I have FAITH because when I listen to my emotions they tell me what I need to do.

I have hope for those who do not have FAITH. I am not here to throw it upon them; tell them that they are wrong or lost; everyone takes their own journey. I have FAITH for those who have been stepped on, those who have been taken advantage of, those who have been beaten down, those who feel lost, those who want to give up, those who just cant believe; because I want to share my faith. Because it may just be too hard to admit or believe that there could be FAITH when life just keeps shitting on them, that is why I have FAITH.

I have FAITH because I want them to know they are never alone. I am full of FAITH because even as I listen to stories from those who have none I see the twinkle in their eye. I see the yearning of their soul; I can feel their energy. I have FAITH because I know when they ask they will be answered. I have FAITH because if they do not find it this time they will get to try again. I have FAITH because I do not believe you ever lose in this game. I will never judge those for not having FAITH for I had lost mine too. They decide if they want faith, if they need faith, it may not be for everyone, hell it may not even be real.

I am not worried if FAITH is real for when I go within my heart sings, and if that is wrong, or not real I do not care.

In your times of struggle you can turn to me, I will be strong for you, I will let you know that you are special; I will be here for you. I love all of you.

32 Things I am thankful for

1. I am thankful for my wife.
2. I am thankful that my wife is willing to work on Thanksgiving so I do not have to.
3. I am thankful she is willing to put the needs of others before her own.
4. I am thankful she has stuck with me through the good and the bad.
5. I am thankful my mother is here with me on thanksgiving.
6. I am thankful for my wonderful nephew Zachary, I just love him so much. He is a representation of all that is good and right with this world!
7. I am thankful for my father, and am enjoying reminiscing about the Thanksgiving he spent with me last year.
8. I am thankful for my two wonderful sisters. I love them both so much, and appreciate how they have been with me through thick and thin.
9. I am thankful for all my wonderful aunts and uncles, who have always loved me and I love them.
10. I am thankful for my Grandfather who always wants what is best for all of his children and grandkids.
11. I am thankful for the spirit of my grandmother, for she comes to me whenever I ask and I can always feel her presence and her love.
12. I am thankful for Dr. Leonard for without him my wonderful spine and my overall wellness would not be where it is today.
13. I am thankful for my boss Ed, because he gave me a job when I needed one and gave me the tools to become the successful trainer I am today.
14. I am thankful for all of the workers who helped package, farm, and raise the delicious food that I will consume on this day.
15. I am thankful for all of my cousins, as they are all different and I love them all for many reasons. I have been blessed with a great family and every time I with them it is truly a blessing.
16. I am thankful for my friends who are in MN and thankful for my friends who are right here in California.
17. I am thankful for the memories I have at the lake house with my man Luke and the time we spent the night in his truck. As terrible as that was sleeping in a small truck in the middle of the winter it still makes me laugh every time I think about it.
18. I am thankful for my friend since day 1, Matt Bartell, he and I have been through hell and back and basically 20 years later we are still great friends.
19. I am thankful that I have this very warm house to be in right now.
20. I am thankful that I have two wonderful dogs, which are always there for me and always love me.
21. I am grateful for Miss. Kim and all that she has done for me, and I am thankful that she is a close friend of mine. I am grateful that I am lucky enough to be able to call on her in a time of need or when I just want to discuss the universe. What a gift she has helped me find, I am forever grateful.
22. I am thankful for all of my clients, because without them I would be nothing as a trainer. A special thanks to Janine, who has been with me since the day I started as a trainer, she has come so far!
23. I am thankful for all of the hard work my clients give, because their dedication to working out is what drives me to become an even better trainer.
24. I am thankful for anyone who has to work today, whether military, a nurse, or the poor guy at Wal-Mart, because without them our country would not be as great as it is.
25. I am thankful for my coffee pot, as it is cold in my house as I write this and I am looking forward to warming my belly with some organic Seattle’s Best breakfast blend.
26. I am thankful for the talents that I have been blessed with, I find peace, comfort, and oneness in my writing and without it I would be a mess. I am especially thankful for anyone who would take the time to read my blog, it means the world to me!
27. I am thankful to my God who never left me and after many long years of searching I returned to him. I was never alone, she was with me the whole time, right here inside of me.
28. I am thankful I have discovered meditation. Meditation brought me back to God, has showed me the wonders of the Universe, and has taugh me how to “be.” Being still is the greatest thing I have discovered in this lifetime.
29. I am thankful that I found California. I belong here, my soul feel’s right here, my body loves it here, and my mind never wants to leave.
30. I am thankful for this beautiful house we live in and the family that we have made so far.
31. I am thankful for Facebook because it has allowed me to reconnect with some amazing friends from high school.
32.. I am thankful for everything in my life, the up’s and the downs, the highs and lows, the light and the dark, because without it I would not be me.

For Veterans

Surrendering part of yourself,
Commitment to those who go through the struggle with you,
Walking into the unknown with only those who stand next to you,
Praying to God that you will come home safe,

Finding comfort in those who use to be complete strangers,
Swallowing your fears and anxieties,
Security now comes in the form of an M-16 and Kevlar vest,
Hoping the training was enough,

Trying to remember you simply have a job to do,
Asking yourself is this what I really signed up for,
Holding onto the image of your wife’s crying face as you part her,
Swearing you will make it back to her,

Missing the little things,
A hot shower,
A quiet night,
The sense of security of your own home,
The smell of a woman,

Counting down the days till you are home,
Making new friends,
Having some good laughs,
Realizing it is not always so bad,

Grateful for the experience I have had,
Excited to get on that plane,
Anxious to return home,
Anticipating what I will do first,

First step off that plane,
How I love this new sense of freedom,
An urge to bend down and kiss the ground,
And then...

There she is, the reason I was able to make it through those days,
A sense of joy that cannot be described,
I pick her up and swing her around,
Welcome home.

To all of the Veterans on this day, while I wish we would find an answer to the world’s problems that does not involve violence, I have been there done that. And because of that experience I will forever respect those who have gone before us and gave up everything for a mission greater than themselves.