PAIN

I work as a personal trainer and exercise is my life. About 8 months ago when I was running I felt a massive twinge go down my inner thigh, then my other inner thigh, then my ankles and toes were numb. I ignored and just kept running. In my mind the pain was not real. I chose to ignore the pain, push through the pain, punish the pain, and flat out deny the pain was there.

For me pain has always been a part of my life. For a long time I use to take a lot of pride in my ability to withstand so much pain. My ego thrives on punishing my body. Stand a little taller knowing that I can still do a squat even though my feet and legs are numb.

It is not just the physical pain that is always there either. It is the thoughts about the pain that seems to increase it.

This will never go away...

How can you be so dumb...

Why am I always hurt...

These thoughts give power to the pain. When my mind is really going the pain in my body seems to thrive.

Over the course of 8 months I have tried many things to heal my pain. I would visualize my legs healing as I slowly breathed, I went to massage and chiropractic. I stretched and strengthened my hips and legs the same way I would work with anyone who described to me that they have hip pain.

I saw a doctor and they said I just needed to rest. That sounds easy enough; I assure you for me it is not. I did not rest. The pain has grown and grown and grown. And yet I kept working out, lifting hard, thinking and hoping it would go away; knowing that it would not. The pain has spread to my butt and back as well. I allowed it to get to the point where I had to see a specialist in order to rule out any major damage to the joint of my hip.

In my mind physical pain represents a spiritual opportunity for growth. This is not to say that I did not have something physical wrong. I do. I have a pulled groin muscle. However, I think the pain in my leg represents something much deeper than a pulled muscle. Over the course of the last 8 months my moods have been defined by the way my body feels.

When my legs and back hurt it is never certain what side of me will show up. I have been so angry I could feel the blood in my skin boil. I have been so depressed I danced with thoughts of the easy way out. I have had times where the pain was gone for a moment, I would feel so alive, to only have it all come crashing down the next day.

Then I decided enough was enough. I decided to surrender to my pain. Surrender does not mean I am giving up. Surrender means I accept myself unconditonally right now. This is no easy task for a person who lets his body and the way it looks and feels carry so much weight.

Now for the last week I have not worked out at all. This is a great success. This. Is. Success. For. Me. I am allowing my body to rest.

And my body has given me flashes of brilliance. I have felt myself healing some. I am proud of myself for taking these steps. I have other area's I can watch over while I let myself heal. I am doing my best to eat well, finding new ways to be active; redefining what HEALTH is to me.

I do know I will heal and I do know that I will be able to lift weights again, most likely soon, facing this injury has allowed me to feel real pain, discover real growth, and uncover parts of myself I did not know were there. Now that I have faced my pain, accepted that it is part of me, I can let it go, and let my body and spirit heal. I have grown from ignoring my pain, and I am thriving in new ways by embracing my pain.

Most of all I feel I now know what real health is. Real Health means I eat healthy foods not because I have to but because I chose to. Real health means maintaining a healthy body weight because I know how being overweight can lead to a shorter life and so many other health problems. Real health means “being active” rather than always working out. I walk everyday, sometimes for several hours, this is real health. Playing with the kids, doing some yoga, taking the stairs instead, this is an active life and it feels good.

There is more to real health than eating well and being active. Real health also means honoring your mind and spirits as well. I meditate every morning to honor my spirit. I try to talk to myself in a positive manner, avoid criticizing others, and myself and write down my successes at the end of the day to keep my mind right.

This is life, one’s with up’s and down’s. It is not always easy but it is not always hard. Accepting myself in every moment opens the doors of infinite possibilities. Knowing that at times I will deny myself allows me to be human. Knowing that there is more to me than how my body looks and feels, well that for me is FREEDOM. 

Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. –Marianne Williamson

Fear is a strong emotion that has the ability for many of us to decide our lives at one time or another. It can be so strong that it will manifest as many other emotions such as anxiety, anger, and even depression. Fear has very strong physical ramifications too. Stuffing fear down only makes it worse and allows the fear to grow in size. Hiding from it with alcohol, drugs, food, the Internet, and many other vices is a temporary fix.

How many of us are holding our lives back because of fear? Some fear is natural and serves us very well. When I was in Afghanistan and the sirens would go off I would put on my Kevlar vest and helmet to try to stay safe. That is fear serving me well. But for many of us it is the everyday fear’s that do not serve us well. For many of us fear is the very reason we hold ourselves back. Furthermore so much of our own fear’s are self-created. It is the thoughts that we think that make us afraid. I know I am guilty of using the words should, what if, and but more then enough times in my life.

Do any of these phrases sound familiar:

I should go back to school but...

I should really try to lose some weight but....

I should really try to stick to this budget so I get my finances in order faster but...

I should travel more but...

What if it does not work out,

What if he/she decides she does not want to be with me anymore,

What if I cannot afford it,

What if I fail (my biggest one),

What will they think of me,

What if I have to give up XXX (insert alcohol, sweets, overspending, etc),

What if, What if, What if, how often do we as humans let the fear of the unknown decide our fate?

Facing my own personal fears in life has served me incredibly well and has been the launching point for becoming a better person. It has not always been easy but every time I have faced my greatest fears the rewards have been far greater.

Personally I feel my life has bottomed out more than once and fear always did its best to try to keep me there. When I was 21 all I was doing was drinking and doing drugs and my life came to screeching halt. In a matter of moments I lost my job, got kicked out of my house, was flat broke, and even considered suicide. But something in me stayed strong and I faced my fears got my act together and joined the U.S. military. I gave up everything I knew in search of a better life. Looking back on it joining the Navy saved my life. Was I scared? Absolutely, did I let fear decide my fate, Hell no.

When I realized I did not want to serve any longer in the military was I scared to get out? Absolutely. Servicemen telling me I would never make it on the outside surrounded me. I was told that there are no good jobs, that I would be giving up a good thing, many chiefs told me it was only a matter of time and I would be back. Did I buy into some of the fear? Absolutely, I was scared out of my mind but did I let fear decide my life? No, I got with my wife, developed a plan, started going to school, lined up a job before I was even out, and saved as much money as I could.

When I was deciding on going back to school was I scared? Absolutely, what if I fail, what if we do not have enough money, what if I am not sure what I want to do? These conversations constantly played out in my head. But I also had conversations with myself such as what if I do well, what if I can make it work financially, what if I find a great career that fulfills me?

When I was going through my divorce and was not sure if moving back to Minnesota was the right idea was I scared? Probably more than I have ever been in my entire life. Was I really about to give up the life I knew for the last 10 years? The night before I drove back I spent the entire night curled up on the floor crying because I was so scared. But I prayed to God for help and he wrapped me in love and light and assured me that if I face my fears it will work out in the end.

Because I have faced my fears I have traveled the world, got an excellent education, healed so many mental and physical blocks in my life, meet an amazing new woman, made incredible friends, advanced my career and been to the depths of my soul. Fear is such a powerful emotion that when confronted forced me to grow in ways that I have never believed possible.  Facing fear does not mean you have to know how everything works out, in fact when I was able to let go of expectations and just follow my gut it has felt like the Universe simply laid out a path for me. Do I still get scared, almost daily. Do I let fear decide my life, hell no. I use fear as a driving force in my life.

What are you afraid of? Where are you holding yourself back?

            

Anger

            Here I am today, far from complete but reasonably happy with who I am and who I have become. Knowing that life is a process of self-discovery. Accepting that every time I peel away a layer of myself I uncover new and exciting treasures. Believing that I have unlimited potential because every time I have one of those aha moments, after the excitement has settled I take the knowledge I have gained put it to use and become a better person.

Anger is a perfectly acceptable human emotion that we are all capable of feeling. Learning to recognize anger as it starts to brew is the key to understand how to release it Learning how to release anger instead of trying to control anger has served me very well.

I believe anger is the opposite of forgiveness. Anger is here to teach us how important it is to forgive. Forgiveness is the key to true peace. Those who I have the most anger towards are the ones I need to forgive the most. I do not need to forgive them for them but rather for myself. I needed to forgive myself because holding onto anger towards myself benefits no one. As Buddha has said: Holding onto anger is like holding onto a hot stone, in the end I am the one who gets burned.

I also had to learn that forgiving does not mean I have to forget. Nor do I need to let those I have forgiven know. Nor does it mean I have to be close and loving with everyone in my life. Forgiveness simply means I am allowing myself to let go of those negative feelings I have because they no longer serve me. Life will constantly bring me teachers until I truly understand anger and forgiveness. Forgiving has made me feel lighter, made me feel more free. I no longer want to be restricted by something that has happened years ago or even minutes ago. I forgive because I want more in life. I have made a choice to let go of resentment. Many times I have to remind myself that to be angry is a choice and I have the power to change. I do not want to be defined by all the perceived wrongs or mistakes in my life but rather by the choices I have made to become a better person.  

The ability to stay calm amongst the chaos is a skill I have been committed to. I planted the seed when my marriage failed in part because of my inability to recognize and release my anger. During our final hours when I saw the fire behind her eyes I had trouble accepting there could be so much there. I made a promise to myself as my marriage fizzled away that I would embark on a journey. This journey would not be easy but I knew if I were to ever love another or myself again I would need to tame the lion that lived within my soul.

            Throughout my life I was never taught about anger. I was incapable of expressing my anger in healthy ways. During childhood anger was expressed verbally through yelling and swearing. During my time in the military I was taught to keep my anger inside. It was as if the military was merely keeping a monster at bay so the monster could be unleashed at precisely the right time. Angry soldiers are good soldiers. In adulthood at times I would use booze to hide from the anger. But the booze was such a temporary solution. Not only does the beer not make the anger go away but it seems to come back stronger.

I did not know how to express my anger. I also had the belief that it was wrong to be angry. For many years I only knew of a few ways to express my anger, through yelling, by abusing my body through too much exercise or too many drugs, or swallowing it whole. For so long I was a ticking time bomb. I do not even think I was aware of how much anger I had inside of me. The tension in my back and neck, the fire that ran through my veins, the fury in my eyes, the more I ignored my anger the bigger it got. Anger when left unchecked is like a snowball rolling down a hill, as it rolls it gains size and strength until it gets to the point where it becomes an avalanche and will destroy anything in its path.

            Anger left unchecked leads to a host of other problems and emotions. Too much anger can turn into depression, anxiety, resentment, and many other strong emotions. Anger left to linger can have very strong physical ramifications as well, heart problems, muscle tension, weight gain, and headaches too name a few.

            During my life anger has been my greatest teacher. Anger has caused great turmoil in my life. Anger has also lead to my greatest treasures. For if I had never taken the time to go within and understand why I am angry, what am I suppose to learn, and why these experiences keep coming into my life I would not be the person I am today.

            With enough searching within and asking the right people the right questions I have made a new relationship with anger. Anger and I have come to an agreement that allows us to co-exist in a beautiful way.

            First of all I have told my anger that I will never try to disown it again. If I am mad I own it. Every part of it. I own the strong emotion, the hair standing up on my arms, the tension in the back of my knees, the clenching of my fists. I own the racing thoughts in my mind. The fastest way to release an emotion is to understand that it is perfectly acceptable to be feeling that emotion. I embrace my anger now when it rises and then I let it go.

            When I first began this journey I thought I was going to get to the point where I no longer got angry. And while I am impressed with myself because the little things rarely set me off anymore I am no longer trying to not get angry but instead I recognize anger, learn from anger, and then release the anger.

            Meditation has been my biggest reason for coming to a new understanding with my anger. A daily meditation practice has brought a new sense of calm to my life. Not only do I not get as angry anymore, I believe meditation has allowed me to recognize the subtle hints from my mind, body, and soul. Anger only grows when we do not get those little hints.

            I continue to write almost daily. Putting my emotions to paper is an excellent method of release for me. As I get lost in my words I feel the energy drain from my body.

            Nature will always absorb negative emotions. Getting outside, taking a few breaths, and recognizing the beauty of the flow of water or the ripple of the trees as the wind blows help me stay calm. If I am really upset I visualize myself getting in the river and letting go of the ores. Instead of trying to paddle my boat up the stream with all my might, I simply pick up the ores, point the boat down stream and go with the flow.

            I try to understand why I am angry. I can still be as stubborn as a mule but I am willing to embrace another’s point of view. I am willing to try and be vulnerable with those I am angry with and talk it out. It may feel difficult at first but once I realize that my anger is not towards another but rather a conflict that has developed within it does make it easier to share with another the feelings I am having.

            Finally when all else fails, if I am truly lost within the whirlwind of my emotions I grabbed those dumbbells and work myself out. Exercise may be the ultimate anger release. The dumbbells do not ask questions, they do not care that I am angry. It is just me versus them for the next 30 minutes. Exercise releases endorphins and when those endorphins are flowing they overtake the anger.

            These days I do not get as angry as I use to. It is not that I will never get angry again but I do believe I will not express my anger in ways that will hurt another or myself anymore. I recognize that I am a very passionate person and I love that about myself. I love myself when I am happy and I love myself when I am angry. I have owned all parts of myself and that has been the reason I have changed parts of myself. I no longer run from my anger or stuff it down, instead I open myself up, admit that the anger is there and then I do what I need to do to learn from it and let it go. 

I am Grateful...

            I am going to say something so cliché right now but what a difference a year can make. My how the world can change and turn out for the better if you have faith rely on those you love, and keep moving forward. One year ago today I spent Thanksgiving by myself. One year ago today I was sleeping on a friends couch. One year ago today I was unemployed. One year ago today my wife told me she did not want to be married anymore. One year ago today the foundation that was my life was completely shook to its very core. And yet here I am 365 days later with so much to be grateful for. The list is truly endless and most likely I am forgetting some people, some experiences, some other truly beautiful things but I cannot help but be grateful today.

            And while I have been practicing gratitude on a regular basis, Thanksgiving is such a symbolic day to really take the time and reflect on all that is good in our lives. I truly believe by making an honest effort to find the things that our working in our lives will produce more things in our lives to be grateful for.

            Cheryl Richardson one of my favorite authors suggests using a gratitude journal and writing down daily 10-15 things in your life you are grateful for. Here is my list for today in no particular order:

1.              I am grateful for Angela, David, Zach, Logan, and Melanie. That family has been my unwavering base of support throughout my life and especially over the course of the last 365 days when I needed them the most. They never judged me when I called and told them where I was at or what I was struggling with. They never told me things I did not want to hear, they simply open their hearts, their homes, and their lives, and stood by me as I went through my struggles. And of course those children can make any day better.

2.              I am grateful for Luke and Amanda for the constant late night “conference calls” and how they help would sit back and listen as I cried, yelled, or simply expressed my dismay over my current situation.  Those two define what loyalty is all about.

3.              I am grateful for Matt and how we have been friends since basically the start of our lives. For a man who went through in my opinion a far worse divorce than I did he would still take the time to open up his heart and his home, put his own feelings in check and help me through such a challenging time I am forever grateful.

4.              I am so grateful to my entire family.  My mother has been one of my biggest cheerleaders during this last year and my life in general. I have so many wonderful aunts, uncles, cousins, and so forth and one of the best parts of moving back to Minnesota is how I have been able to see my family on such a regular basis. My uncle Carl and Aunt Maria have open their door and their hearts to me so much, even as they go through their own challenges right now they still take the time to make me an amazing breakfast. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful family.

5.              I am so grateful to my beautiful sister Ally who might possibly be my biggest supporter. Ally is like the enforcer for me who doesn’t take any crap from anyone. She has been a symbol of strength for me when I was not willing to get angry. She helps me express my frustrations in a healthy way. And she knows how to get me to have fun.

6.              I am grateful to Meredith for all that her and I went through. It is hard to believe for the last year I thought I would never get over her and especially never see the good in what we went through. But I was willing to do the work truly look at myself and I have found so many gifts in my divorce. I have grown so much from the struggles and am so grateful to her not only for the divorce but also for all the good times we had. I loved her so much and a part of me still does. But I love her enough that I was willing to let her go and move on. We both deserve happiness in our lives and on this day I am grateful for our time we had together and wish her nothing but the best.

7.              As Veterans Day just came and went I am so grateful for my time in the military. I am so proud to say that I served. I saw so many amazing places in the world. I am grateful for all of the friends I made. I am grateful for all of the experiences, all that the military taught me. I am grateful that the military taught me that I could face fear head on and live to talk about it. I love that I shared a bed with Matt in Afghanistan, stood side by side with John outside the wire in Iraq, and for Dylan as he let me mess with him so bad when I was hammered in South Korea. The military was a challenging experience but as the years have passed I truly realized how much I have gained from those years.

8.              I am grateful to Richard and Shannon. They took me and totally changed their entire lives for a short period of time when I had nowhere else to turn. Looking back staying with Richard and Shannon truly saved my life when I moved out from my home. Richard got me to laugh, have fun, and get up and out when I need it the most. Shannon provided me with an ear and a heart when I would break down and cry. Their beautiful baby provided me with a never-ending source of happiness. And their wonderful dog provided me with a healthy outlet when I didn’t have my own dogs around.

9.              I am so very grateful for Spencer and Fitz the most perfect creatures ever. My dogs have been the biggest pillars of strength in my life. They have the most perfect energy, always love me, are always excited to see me, forgive me instantly when I make mistakes, force me to get up and out even when I may not want to, snuggle up to me when I need it and so much more. I am convinced my puppies are Angels God sent to me to look after me. Even when times are great they are still such a strong reminder of the importance to live in the moment.

10.          I am grateful for Miss Michelle and the love she has brought into my life. I am grateful that I can truly be myself around her, be vulnerable, be hyper, get drunk, get angry, I can just be me when I am with her and I am grateful that she accepts all of me. I am grateful that she showed me it is ok to open my heart again. I am so grateful for the chemistry we have, the energy we share, it is truly incredible. I am grateful for her children and how much fun we have together.

11.   And of course to anyone who takes the time to read my silly little blog, I am grateful for you. 

It is such a beautiful feeling that arises in me as I sit here and reflect on all of the good in my life. So many people and things that did not get mentioned in this list. I could write for days about all of the people who have had a positive affect in my life and still not mention everyone. I have been blessed with so many amazing people in my life. Today I am truly thankful for all that I have in my life, all that I had in my life, and all that I will have in my life. 

I might not...

I might not make as much money as I would like,

But I have a fun job that pays me pretty well,

Perhaps at times I spend more money then I should,

But I have a plan in place and am getting better,

I might not live in a swanky apartment in downtown St. Paul yet,

But I am lucky enough to live with one of my best friends of over 20 years,

Perhaps I could take that place that got offered to me last week,

But I know that right now the time is not right,

I might not have the perfect degree or the right educational background,

But I loved my program and learned so much,

Perhaps I will yet again return to school to explore more options,

But right now I am enjoying not having homework,

I might not have a body that will end up on the cover of a fitness magazine,

But I look pretty damn good with my shirt off,

Perhaps my body will continue to get stronger, leaner,

But fitness is a marathon not a sprint,

I might not always do the best workouts,

But I will find ways to be active every single day,

Perhaps I do not always eat healthy and avoid sweets,

But most days my diet revolves around eating foods that help my body thrive,

I might not always be jumping out of my pants happy,

But life is about the ups and the downs, and I have discovered how to embrace the good and the bad,

Perhaps I am not always suppose to be happy,

But instead learn how to roll with the punches,

I might not always be cool, calm, and collected,

But I continue to practice meditation daily and my anxiety has damn near left my life completely,

Perhaps at times I am too judgmental,

But as I continue to evolve I try to see the best in everyone,

I might not always be accepting,

But I will do my best to understand your point of view,

Perhaps I am a little too strong-minded; perhaps I demand the attention of the room a little too often,

But I will listen to you with an open mind and an open heart,

I might not always be the best friend I can be,

But when times are tough and you need me I will be there,

Perhaps I could be a better son, a better brother,

But I love my family the best I can,

I might not have been the best husband I could have been,

But I did a lot of things right and I am committed to understanding my mistakes and moving forward,

Perhaps at times I have gone against the little voice in my head even when I knew I should not,

But that little voice has never left and will continue to guide me,

I might piss you off at times, hurt your feelings, say something mean,

But I hope you understand it is never about you but instead a reflection of the struggles I have within,

Perhaps there are more things I could do right, more things I should know,

But I am committed to continual improvement for myself,

I might at times get lost in focusing on the negatives,

But more and more I am grateful for the positives,

So it is obvious I am not perfect but here is the key that I have learned and try to embrace everyday:

 I AM ENOUGH

It is in the works:

A preview of what I have been working on:

Clearly we had both wronged each other so much that we failed to see the beauty of each other’s eyes. Clearly we were so caught up in our anger and distrust for each other that we forgot we lived in sunny Southern California. Clearly we let the loneliness of that moment block us to the memories of our 7 years together. Clearly we were both so lost in that exact moment that we forgot how much we loved each other when we got married. Clearly the anxiety of that car ride had become so negative we forgot how much anticipation there once was.

 It was obvious the magic that had once convinced a woman to move to California and take a chance was now replaced by the disappointment that it turned out this way. It was obvious that there was such a strong disgust now that we forgot how much lust their once was. It was obvious that we had totally forgotten about those qualities that we had come to love because we were so focused on the qualities that we hated about each other.

That car ride home I will never forget. As she poured out feelings of how frustrated she was I poured out mine too. Her frustrations took the shapes of all the times I had wronged her. As neither of us would let each other’s words through the tension continued to mount. Like a cannon I went off. In a moment of fury I threw my cell phone and in an instant her windshield cracked from top to bottom. Immediately I knew in I had gone too far. I never intended to throw it but at that time my anger  had not learned of healthier methods of release.  As I stared at the cracks in the windshield she froze. Caught in fear, instinct took over for her. She got us home and blocked out my worthless attempts to beg for her forgiveness. That very moment marks the instance she knew she was done. No longer was she going to be a victim. No longer was she going to be in a relationship where she had to feel scared, worthless, and taken advantage of. No longer was she going to stay in a marriage that made her unhappy. In her mind that broken windshield represented our broken marriage.

As I sat on the couch yelling at myself I knew it was over. She told me it was time for me to go. Shaken to my very core I know I failed to realize the true seriousness of the situation. My marriage was over, my wife was gone, the switch was flipped and there was no getting her back. And yet I asked myself how could she tell me she wanted a separation? How fucking selfish of her. I was not ready to quit, I was not ready to throw in the towel. I was ready to keep fighting. However, my relationship did not need anymore fighting, in needed peace and love, and fighting for it was the last way more love was going to come about. 

As the therapist said, “I think it would be best if you two took a break for a while” fear set in. Reluctantly I agreed against my own inner-voice to move out at the end of the month. Scared of what lay before me she grabbed my hand. The simple gesture of her touching my hand when I was so scared filled me with hope. As we walked out of the office hand and hand I knew we could make this right. I knew she was still there, hanging on by a thread but still there. Right there I swore to myself I was going to do everything in my power to win her back. I just knew I was going to get her back. I was so convinced that I would fix this...

For my father;

Praying to my God to look after him and help him heal,

Truth be told there are probably a lot of things I wish my dad would have done differently,

In all reality I really wish he had been able to be there more for me as a child,

How long can I as an adult try to dish off some of my problems on my parents,

But here is what I know,

I know I have grown into a pretty decent man,

And if it were not for the trials and tribulations I went through with my father I may not be the man that stands here today,

I know that as I have grown my dad has grown,

It is hard to let go of the past,

I know that we as men, as boys, we both still have so much more room for growth,

I know that when I stand side-by-side with my father we can do it together,

As I have grown older looked into myself and done some of the tough work my father has done it too,

I take pride in knowing that we have been like father like son as we have both made the choice to lead a better life,,

The steps my father has taken in recent years to release the demons of his past were probably some of the longest steps he has ever taken,

I know we both have many more steps to take,

I am proud to call John Munkholm my father because he knows he is not perfect but he continues to push on,

I aim to embrace some of the great qualities my father has,

And I look up to him because when he shows me sides of him that he is not as proud of he respects me for trying to be more than that,

I love my dad because he never gave up on me even when I wanted to give up on myself,

As my life has changed and I have blossomed out into my own entity my father has not always understood my choices but always appreciated the diversity of my opinion,

My father has continued more and more to embrace many of my lifestyle choices and still remains firm in what he believes,

Every time I meet one of my father’s new friends they speak so highly of his children and the pride he has in my sisters and I are reflective in their words,

I may not always agree with my father and he may frustrate me at times but as I grow I have learned to love him so much that I can just let my dad be my dad and let go of all the bull shit that tries to get in the way.

I love you dad, get well soon.

No title would work for this one

Guilt is such a powerful emotion and it has been a rock in my rollercoaster of emotions lately.

Fact: I am now divorced.

Story I keep telling myself: It is all my fault, I could have listened better, I should have asked more questions, I could have gotten help sooner, maybe if I would of just behaved a little differently, what if, what if, what if.

Truth: I made a lot of mistakes in my marriage. I projected unhappiness and anger onto my wife that she did not deserve to deal with. This was a major downfall of my marriage and as I write this I am willing to accept that truth. However, on my eternal quest for inner peace and happiness the struggles I went through created a compassion for others within me that I believe is the greatest gift I bring to this life.

Fact: I did the best with the tools I had. I always tried to show her love even if it was not the way she wanted it. I loved her so much and I showed her love in the way that I knew.

Story: I allowed myself to believe that my love was not good enough for her. I allowed myself to believe that I did not deserve her. I created such an elaborate story within my psyche that was like a record on repeat: you are not worthy, you are not good enough, and you do not deserve this life. I allowed myself to believe that I was never going to meet her standards.

Truth: I showed her the most love I could and knew how with what I had at the time. I made her amazing dinners, wrote her beautiful love letters, bought her flowers, gave her back rubs, went to concerts I did not like, went out when I had migraines and was so dizzy I could barely stand just so she would not get mad at me. Could I have listened better, sure who couldn’t? Could I have gotten help sooner for my anger, absolutely? Does she have a list a mile long of all things I did wrong, most likely? Could I have... But I did not, for whatever reason I was not ready to face those parts of myself. But I was always there and never would have thrown in the towel on our relationship.

Fact: She decided to end the marriage. She was the one who did not want to go counseling, she was the one who checked out. She even told me she had checked out long before it had gotten to the day when she asked me to leave.

Story:  I have beaten myself up so much for the end of my marriage and I am a major contributor to how the story ended. I allowed myself for the last year to believe that I am the one and only reason things came to an end. I allowed her to manipulate me and make me believe that it was jut me.

Truth: We both fucked up and we both fucked up bad. The truth of the matter is she did what she felt she had to do; I cannot hold that against her. Our entire relationship I always wished she would be more assertive, put her foot down, not let people walk all over her. Well I will be damned she is no longer easy to pushover. She is assertive, what a gift I was able to give her and someday she will most likely know this. It is unfortunate it came about the way it did but the universe works in mysterious ways sometimes.

Fact: I went to war twice and it really fucked me up mentally.

Story: For so long I never talked about what took place, I still really do not. I have always felt that I should not have any issues from going to war because I was not the guy kicking down the doors, many of the people I was with did not appear to be afraid, because many of my close friends had it harder than I did.

Truth: Going to war is fucking scary. It scared the shit out of me, twice in my life I lived in constant fear and anxiety of when the next round may hit, what if the locals have a bomb on them, what if I do not come back home. These are legitimate fears that I faced and have held inside for so long. Yes I was up in a cherry picker when a rocket hit just outside of the base and yes it has left a major scar in my mind. I have never really slept right since I went to war, I rarely make it through a night, I still have nightmares sometimes, and I still have no desire to go watch fireworks. The fact of the matter is it was hard for me. It may not have been as hard for others or maybe it was that no longer matters. Right here and now I know that I was scared, I know that it was hard on my marriage, my family, and on me. I also know now that it is over I am so proud that I faced fear head on and the gifts the war brought to me are so profound. I wear a tattoo on my arm that says “we are all one” and going to war has instilled that belief in me. I know that war and violence is not the answer. I have so much respect for the military now and what they do. I have so much respect for the wives and families that stay behind and support those of us who are gone. I will never forget how Meredith would answer the phone no matter what time, not tell me about her problems so we could focus on me, I will always love how she stood relentlessly by my side while I was gone, I am so grateful for how my family would send me anything I need. Thank you. I am pretty sure all of those skeletons are not yet gone but it will come in time.

Fact: Meredith was absolutely amazing to me for the first few years of our marriage. Never had I had someone who supported me so much, she believed in me more than I believed in myself, she stood by me when I went to war, she helped me when I wrecked my back, she supported me when I was broke, she explored with me when I wanted to try something new, for lack of a better word she was perfect.

Truth: Meredith was amazing but the image I had held onto in my mind as our marriage got worse was no longer there. There are certain standards she held for me that I was never going to be able to meet. My efforts to redeem myself fell by the waste side because she checked out long before our marriage came to an end. For her my efforts came a little to late.

            My marriage to Meredith was an amazing time in my life. A chapter that come to a close. I have released the anger that I have towards her because I understand she did what she felt she had to do. I know I was committed to making our marriage work, and she too was committed to making it work. Our plans simply did not align and unfold in the exact same manner. I have been doing my best to release the guilt, looking deeply inside myself, praying for help and I feel as I am writing this I am letting more of that guilt go. I must forgive myself because there have been so many great lessons that have come from this already. So much growth I have made. I have become a better man because of the storm I just went through. I can see it in my eyes, believe it in my mind, and feel it in my soul.

I will always love Meredith but our time has come to an end. I wish only the best for her I will hold close to my heart the many great memories I have of her. I will never forget how cute she is when she gets cold or how great her smile is when she laughs or how beautiful she looks when her hair fell over her face just right. I am choosing let go of the guilt because I cannot change the past. I am choosing to let go of the guilt because no matter how much I beat myself up it will not change the past, it will not bring her back, it will not make her love me again. I am sad and I do believe I lost something great, but it is done, she is gone, I am here. I am scarred but I have healed and will keep healing.

I am not perfect but I have changed, am changing. She is such a beautiful woman and deserves nothing but happiness in her life and I am such a great guy that I deserve it too. The only true way to let the happiness come is to cut that final tie, to say my last goodbye, to look at myself in the mirror and say Anthony I forgive you deeply and completely for the mistakes that you have made. I am proud of you for learning the beautiful lessons of this chapter in your life. Anthony I have always been here, you are whole, and you do not need another because I have myself.

I am not perfect. I am cocky, I can be arrogant, and I can be selfish, I can be angry. These are parts of me that are as real as the parts of me that are love, and compassion, and hope. Just as Meredith is anger, sadness, she too is filled with beauty and love. Our time has simply come to an end. I no longer wish to regret what is gone but rather look forward to what is coming. I do not know what the future holds but I know that when I take a leap of faith and surrender to myself and my God the life I think I am suppose to have fizzles a way and the life I am meant to have will shine through.

As I sit here and write I feel like I am peeling away layers of myself. I feel like I am getting to the heart of the person that is me. I have searched for myself in books, in Meredith, in my friends, but never truly within myself. I have tried to make my life happen, make my health happen, make my dreams happen and yes effort is required but I have failed to stop so many times and just look at myself and say this is me. Right now this is me, I will become more, I will wish and desire more, hope to grow more, evolve more but right now this is me in the flesh.

I always believed right up until this next word that self-actualization was suppose to be some big dramatic moment in my life filled with an intense story such as the life of the Buddha or Jesus. Well here is my truth, my story is unfolding right here and now, in this life, not the past, not the future but right here and now. I am a powerful person. I had a great friend tell me that I am like a fire hose. I do not know my own power; just as a fire hose is reckless when unattended it will cause damage. However, when the fire hose is controlled and focused it produces so much energy that no fire is too big to be put out.

 So this is I guess a battled-tested human being. I am an intelligent, funny, cocky, selfish, selfless person. I like to get up early, I do not really like to drink but do, I love California, I like Minnesota, I love to kick my ass in the gym, I love to eat healthy, I love to write, I love to debate my views, I love how I do not know everything but I try to get educated, I love how some people like my brother in law challenge me so much, he really helps me affirm what I believe what a great gift, I love to be with my friends, I can be a real asshole, I can be very judging, I can be very warm, I will give you the shirt of my back. I believe in the power of my thought and practice affirmations daily, I am very liberal in some views, I think it is absolutely wrong that we are the only nation in the world that does not have universal health care, I think this country spends too much money, I love my family, I am so grateful that I have my dogs, I really miss Meredith sometimes, I tend to be too hard on myself, I am still searching for some parts of my life, I believe I do not need to find it all yet, I believe you are not suppose to every have it all, I like who I am, I have made some mistakes, I have made some poor decisions, I have made some amazing decisions, I tend to ramble, I love to listen to good stories, I love that Char stood by my side through the toughest time of my life, I love that last night I poured my heart out to her and she said the sweetest thing to me that melted my heart, I want to write a book but am afraid to fail, I love to open up now, I am like an unfinished story, I do not really care what you think of me, I will always be honest with you, I have learned from my lies, I get really anxious sometimes, so anxious that I feel like I am having a heart attack, sometimes I still want to do drugs but I wont, sometimes I eat an entire jar of peanut butter when I am feeling sorry for myself, sometimes I listen to my ego, other times I listen to my spirit, I spend too much money, I donate my time, I love beautiful women, I like to flirt, I am a great flirt, I can romance a woman better than most, I am trustworthy, I am good looking, I love how ripped my arms are. I love to be outside, I miss the ocean, I love to hike with my dogs, I love to get downright shit faced with Luke, Matt, Amanda, I am so grateful to be home because I love my friends and have missed them dearly. I am so grateful to be home because I love my family and it is nice knowing I can just see them.

So here I am feeling really good about myself knowing that life is not suppose to be perfect. Feeling like I have just made some peace with myself, knowing that the most important part of my life right now is to always have my faith.

Finding Balance with My Body

A brutal assessment and honest look at my constant pursuit of the perfect body:

Why do we continue to run when our knees are clearly shouting no? Why do we continue to do heavy lifting when our backs are clearly asking for some rest? Why do we stress ourselves out so much that we began to manifest physical symptoms such as headaches or ulcers? Why do we eat a huge bowl of ice cream when we say we want to lose weight? Why do we smoke cigarettes when we clearly know they our destroying our bodies? So many of us have a struggle with our body in one-way or another, this is mine…

I exercise way too much; it is never enough, my body hurts and aches. But I keep exercising. I need to exercise, I am a personal trainer, how can I not exercise; I must keep exercising to live up to the expectations I have put on myself. I succumb to the expectations of others, that I should have this perfect body, all knowing; obviously he must feel great and look great. I may have a slight obsession, I may have a little problem, I exercise when I am tired, I exercise when I am sore, I exercise when I am sick. I also exercise when I feel great but sometimes that is the scariest because I will go and go and go. I know I am wired a little different, I love to be sore. It reminds me that I have been productive. There is something so comforting to me when it hurts to walk up stairs or when I have trouble washing my hair because my chest is so sore. I do know that I would rather be sore and in shape than fat and lazy. I know that I will take the pain in my back over the chance of developing diabetes or having a heart attack because I am 30 pounds overweight. I would rather put my head down at night knowing I probably over did it instead of knowing my big butt did not even get off the couch. I love being able to do 100 push-ups or run a 6 minute mile, I love being confident in a tight fitting shirt, I am happy that my stomach does not jiggle when I brush my teeth. I do think it is better to be on the end of the spectrum where you work your body too hard rather than not enough. I think pain is more manageable then all of the health-related problems that can come with being overweight.

But what if I could find a better balance? What if I could take that guy who sits at home and eat McDonalds and gets winded walking up the stairs and combine him with a guy who would not dare touch a fast-food chain and will do deadlifts even when his back is killing him? Is there a potential to find balance with my body? The answer is a definitive yes.

I am beginning to really take to heart the thoughts that are coming to my mind. So often we just assume we think what we think at random. There is a method in the way the thoughts we form come to fruition. I have listened to those voices in so many areas of my life it is time to start listening to the voice that tells me how I can find that balance. It is there I hear it all the time, I just ignore it. I love my ego, he is the source of much of the pain in my life and also the reason I can snatch a 62-pound kettlebell. I continue to ask for help and I know all of the answers are within me. When I start to think about working out and my gut is telling me that my body needs a rest I am usually the one who listens to my ego instead and hits it even harder. I do it because I am not happy with my body. I need to get rid of that one extra inch or tighten up just a little bit more. I do not like that my lower chest has not caught up to my upper chest. It bothers me that my lower abs just do not want to pop through unless I starve myself. It bothers me that if my back is not hurting than my shoulder is. It is not to say I do not like parts of my body but the parts I like are not presenting me with this challenge that I am so truthfully admitting right here and now.

With all of my years in the fitness industry I have come to the realization that personal trainers tend to have the poorest body image. It is not my clients who are overweight, it is those of us who are the ones offering the training. This is why we work at gyms, nothing is more important than getting in that extra workout.

I love to grind out the weights. For me nothing is more exhilarating than the pump that comes with another massive set of chest presses or squats. And I do not think I need to abandon it all together but I know in my heart that there is a better way to train my body. Often times I do train my body better. There are new methods, more efficient, faster, and just as productive. My goals are changing. It use to be to have the most perfect “six-pack” or to be able to bench 340 (which I have done), now it is to be pain-free, be more functional with my exercise, feel loser in my joints, have the pain in my back subside. I know how to do this. I do this with my clients all the time. I train them to be functionally strong. The knowledge is there, it really is not that hard from a physically standpoint, it is the mental side of me, my ego that tells me to pick up an even heavier dumbbell. And then I have to ask myself what happens when you can press the 120lbs dumbbells for a set of 10, I will just want more.

There is a balance within this body. I do believe Lance Armstrong was right when he said the day you are satisfied with your fitness level is the day you lose the battle. But I think I took it a little bit wrong. It does not mean that I constantly need to belittle my body, beat-up my body. For me it means doing workouts that are more efficient, sticking to this commitment I have of trying new things, changing my routine, doing more yoga like I keep hearing in my gut. I know how great I feel after a yoga class but I get into these ruts where I do not want to go. I am deeply afraid that I will lose my muscle tone if I change up the way I workout. And truth be told if I really listen to what my body is saying chances are my body will look even better and I will feel even better. Chances are I will get even stronger and move easier, and wake up less stiff, and yet I generally go right back to isolating my shoulders which really serves no functional purpose. I sure look damn good in the mirror when I can press those weights up above my head, and there is nothing to say that I cannot still do that but lifting when I am sore and hurt and sick has got to stop. Running on the treadmill when my back is hurting is so not a good idea. Sitting at home after a tough workout and having tingling in my thighs is only my fault when I do deadlifts because the adrenaline was pumping and I checked logical reasoning at the door. Sure all the pain goes away when the workout is going strong, but afterwards you really know its there.

I am not always in pain but there is a reoccurring cycle going on right now and I can if I wish put it to an end. I do not expect to always feel perfect and I do not always hurt either but there is a better way for me and I am taking the first long over due step in this journey. I am holding myself accountable to my body by sharing it here. I have the knowledge, the know how and the heart. I fill my body with only the finest foods, I drink plenty of water, and I do so many things right for my body so why not take it to the next level by stepping it down a notch. There is an oxymoron at its finest. I bet I will be amazed as my body starts to feel even better and look even better by doing a little less.

Goal 1: I will learn to love my body regardless of how it feels or looks. I will love not only my well-defined arms and shoulders but also that little bit of stubborn pudge around my stomach. I will love my nice smile and even the tiny bit of hair that is starting to grow on my back.

Goal 2: I am going to stop comparing myself to others. There is no benefit in comparing. I know from a physical standpoint when I walk into the gym there are many who wish they were in shape like me. Little do they know (until now) I merely need to open a muscle magazine and I too start to wish I looked like those fitness models.  It is good to have focus and goals of how I want my body to look but I will never develop a realistic expectation of what or how I want my body to look and feel like when I continue to look for answers outside of myself.  My body knows what its ideal shape and size should be and when I truly give it that chance things will unfold, as they should.

Goal 3: I do not necessarily need to be pain-free. I love the soreness that comes with a good workout and that is a very healthy type of pain to feel. However, I am going to become pain-free when it comes to injuries. If my back is hurting I will take a day off or go easy. If my shoulder is wound-up I will not do presses. This is going to be a major challenge for me, one that I am willing to take on. There is no guarantee either that I will never get hurt again, I could get hurt at random but I have a certain say in how things will go and I will take control of those factors.

Goal 4: I will alter my current workout structure to include new things. I am so damn comfortable in the weight room and it truly serves a purpose but with the education and knowledge I have there are so many things I could be doing that would benefit my body more. I will still get the burn, still get that amazing high. I will still train with weights because I like how it feels and how it makes my body look but I will let go of being so focused on atheistic. Instead I am going to try to practice more of my motto I use with clients; we need to train to be functionally strong. My obsession with push-ups and pull-ups can stay; there is no excuse to not be able to do a push-up or a pull-up. Pushing and pulling is a way of life and you better be able to do it. Spider-man may not always be there to rescue us when we are stuck hanging from the edge of a building!

Goal 5: I know in my heart that we get in life what we think about and what we expect. I have a shift that must occur. It is almost as if I anticipate pain or injury. I watch people in the gym workout with terrible form and some of them never get hurt. How is this so? How is it that I get hurt I am all about good form, almost too focused on form? I will never conduct an exercise that I cannot do without perfect form. Here is what I have discovered it is all in the mindset. It is not necessarily that I am thinking I will get hurt. But often times when I work out I am doing it to try to prevent something bad from happening, or a fear that I will get fat, or a fear that I will be diagnosed with a disease that exercise could have surely prevented. While it is admirable that I am so “health-conscious” I now see that much of my focus is on fear. Fear of what can go wrong, fear of what has gone wrong, fear of not having a good enough body, fear of getting sick or hurt. It is time to put my focus back onto why I got into exercise in the first place, because it is so much damn fun. Focus on the thrill of getting stronger, looking leaner, feeling better. Yes it is great to be informed and keep up with what is going on but the fact that I sit here and write right now is a strong sign that much of my focus may have been misguided. I do not fault myself, my intentions are great, I have helped so many get healthier and feel better and it is because I got them to believe in the best. I help them to find hope and know they can do better. I need to take that same mentality and apply it to myself.  What an “aha” moment in my life. I do not need to continue to look for the next best vitamin or find the next best exercise. I have such a wealth of knowledge it is time to let go of my constant pursuit of how I can be better and just be.

My Heart

It was not until very recently that I came to the realization that wearing my heart on my sleeve may not be where it is most comfortable,

Wearing my heart on my sleeve projects need,

Wearing my heart on my sleeve creates expectations,

In these moments I am not being myself and I am setting myself up for disappointment,

The aching in my gut whispering that this is not who you really are,

Perhaps trying to fill a void,

A void that no other person but myself can fill,

There is nothing that I need,

There is nothing I must do or be,

This is me, in the flesh,

Strong, compassionate, genuine, and pure,

Wearing my heart over my chest,

Bleeding out love and faith,

Radiating peace and hope,

Creating desire upon desire,

This is where my heart belongs,

I am not afraid to give my heart because this is who I am,
I try to honor my emotions and share what I am feeling,

There is power in the ability to be who I really am,

And there is weakness in my mindless attempts to be what I am not,

Being true to myself allows me to be true to you,

There is strength in honesty,

I must be honest with myself even if it does not produce what my mind thinks it wants,

I will try to listen to my heart and give it to all,

My heart does not want to be restricted,

Giving love to even those that feel inside all they have is fear,

Even opening my heart to those who may hate,

No regrets but rather circumstances that allowed me to create a brighter future,

Releasing guilt because I worked with what I had,

Pride in living through my heart,

Guided from my center, giving it without exception,

Enjoying the fun for what it was, is, and still may be,

My heart belongs on my chest, and when I keep it there and stay centered I am the person that I know I am meant to be,

Reminding my heart it does not need to be on my sleeve because I am all that I need,

Even though it can be hard for some to give up their heart I will give you mine;

Take it or leave it this is who I am.

No title...

It is my time to enjoy life, without regret or remorse that things are going my way. I do not believe that we as humans must struggle but I do believe when we do and we get through it we enjoy things so much more. I have put in my time, I have been through some struggles, and yet here I am with a massive smile on my face and a huge sense of anticipation with what is to come. Is everything perfect right now? Of course not, my back is stiff, I sold all of my possessions, and I am leaving behind many people and places that mean so much to me. And yet here I am actually really excited about what is to come. Drooling over the fact that I have 22 days off of work. When will I have another opportunity like this, I am not sure. So excited to see my family, my friends, cannot wait to wrap my arms around her. So ready to take a trip to the lake house with my best friends, grab some beers, catch some fish, just like the old days!

Planning on recording my thoughts along the way, really hoping to dig deeper into my soul on this road trip. Oh how it feels so right. I am also not fooling myself though, I am very nervous about my new job, about new possibilities, about leaving the people here who held me up when I was down. I know my hard work is why I am in the position I am in and I know that I will have to keep working hard to keep this momentum going. One thing is for sure though, I believe in myself more right now than I ever have. This is not to sound cocky or arrogant but if I am not my biggest fan than who is? We should all be so wise to the benefits of being our own biggest fan. I am firmly committed to not beating myself up, although I most likely still will. I promise to myself to love myself even when things look gloom. I am doing my best to just know my worth even when it feels better not to. 

I hope I continue to find inspiration from within and I hope my light I feel affects others in a positive way. I promise to myself to continue to be brutally honest with myself. I love this blog, I love writing, and I feel that I hold myself a little more responsible for my feelings and actions by making them public. I do not really care if anyone reads this but I know for me it reaffirms my commitments and my beliefs that I hold so dear to my heart. I know I treat people well, I know I wear my heart on my sleeve and that will never change. I believe in the good in people and if it burns me then so be it. I will recover, I always do. 

I love that I ramble so much. I am not even sure if I am making sense but that is the beauty of my creative side. When I let go the words just seems to flow. Plus if I write down what I am thinking I do not seem as crazy as when someone pulls up next to me at a red-light and sees me talking to myself. Although one strength I have always admired is that I really am not too concerned with what others think, if I did I would not publish my posts. However, I do thrive when I get feedback good or bad, I am honored that individuals take time out of there day to venture around in my mind. I know I get lost in there a lot so I can only imagine trying to keep up with me. I am getting closer and closer to writing my book; I know God will bring it to me when the time is right. 

I look forward to writing even more now that school is over. More energy towards the things that bring me joy. School was great but you better believe I am so thrilled that it is over. Perhaps every day, perhaps my blog will grow in size, perhaps I will write for magazines and books, perhaps I may just continue to write for myself and see where it goes. It does not matter who and who does not like my writing, if I write for myself and stay to true to who I am the rest will fall into place in just the way it should.