PAIN

I work as a personal trainer and exercise is my life. About 8 months ago when I was running I felt a massive twinge go down my inner thigh, then my other inner thigh, then my ankles and toes were numb. I ignored and just kept running. In my mind the pain was not real. I chose to ignore the pain, push through the pain, punish the pain, and flat out deny the pain was there.

For me pain has always been a part of my life. For a long time I use to take a lot of pride in my ability to withstand so much pain. My ego thrives on punishing my body. Stand a little taller knowing that I can still do a squat even though my feet and legs are numb.

It is not just the physical pain that is always there either. It is the thoughts about the pain that seems to increase it.

This will never go away...

How can you be so dumb...

Why am I always hurt...

These thoughts give power to the pain. When my mind is really going the pain in my body seems to thrive.

Over the course of 8 months I have tried many things to heal my pain. I would visualize my legs healing as I slowly breathed, I went to massage and chiropractic. I stretched and strengthened my hips and legs the same way I would work with anyone who described to me that they have hip pain.

I saw a doctor and they said I just needed to rest. That sounds easy enough; I assure you for me it is not. I did not rest. The pain has grown and grown and grown. And yet I kept working out, lifting hard, thinking and hoping it would go away; knowing that it would not. The pain has spread to my butt and back as well. I allowed it to get to the point where I had to see a specialist in order to rule out any major damage to the joint of my hip.

In my mind physical pain represents a spiritual opportunity for growth. This is not to say that I did not have something physical wrong. I do. I have a pulled groin muscle. However, I think the pain in my leg represents something much deeper than a pulled muscle. Over the course of the last 8 months my moods have been defined by the way my body feels.

When my legs and back hurt it is never certain what side of me will show up. I have been so angry I could feel the blood in my skin boil. I have been so depressed I danced with thoughts of the easy way out. I have had times where the pain was gone for a moment, I would feel so alive, to only have it all come crashing down the next day.

Then I decided enough was enough. I decided to surrender to my pain. Surrender does not mean I am giving up. Surrender means I accept myself unconditonally right now. This is no easy task for a person who lets his body and the way it looks and feels carry so much weight.

Now for the last week I have not worked out at all. This is a great success. This. Is. Success. For. Me. I am allowing my body to rest.

And my body has given me flashes of brilliance. I have felt myself healing some. I am proud of myself for taking these steps. I have other area's I can watch over while I let myself heal. I am doing my best to eat well, finding new ways to be active; redefining what HEALTH is to me.

I do know I will heal and I do know that I will be able to lift weights again, most likely soon, facing this injury has allowed me to feel real pain, discover real growth, and uncover parts of myself I did not know were there. Now that I have faced my pain, accepted that it is part of me, I can let it go, and let my body and spirit heal. I have grown from ignoring my pain, and I am thriving in new ways by embracing my pain.

Most of all I feel I now know what real health is. Real Health means I eat healthy foods not because I have to but because I chose to. Real health means maintaining a healthy body weight because I know how being overweight can lead to a shorter life and so many other health problems. Real health means “being active” rather than always working out. I walk everyday, sometimes for several hours, this is real health. Playing with the kids, doing some yoga, taking the stairs instead, this is an active life and it feels good.

There is more to real health than eating well and being active. Real health also means honoring your mind and spirits as well. I meditate every morning to honor my spirit. I try to talk to myself in a positive manner, avoid criticizing others, and myself and write down my successes at the end of the day to keep my mind right.

This is life, one’s with up’s and down’s. It is not always easy but it is not always hard. Accepting myself in every moment opens the doors of infinite possibilities. Knowing that at times I will deny myself allows me to be human. Knowing that there is more to me than how my body looks and feels, well that for me is FREEDOM. 

Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. –Marianne Williamson

Fear is a strong emotion that has the ability for many of us to decide our lives at one time or another. It can be so strong that it will manifest as many other emotions such as anxiety, anger, and even depression. Fear has very strong physical ramifications too. Stuffing fear down only makes it worse and allows the fear to grow in size. Hiding from it with alcohol, drugs, food, the Internet, and many other vices is a temporary fix.

How many of us are holding our lives back because of fear? Some fear is natural and serves us very well. When I was in Afghanistan and the sirens would go off I would put on my Kevlar vest and helmet to try to stay safe. That is fear serving me well. But for many of us it is the everyday fear’s that do not serve us well. For many of us fear is the very reason we hold ourselves back. Furthermore so much of our own fear’s are self-created. It is the thoughts that we think that make us afraid. I know I am guilty of using the words should, what if, and but more then enough times in my life.

Do any of these phrases sound familiar:

I should go back to school but...

I should really try to lose some weight but....

I should really try to stick to this budget so I get my finances in order faster but...

I should travel more but...

What if it does not work out,

What if he/she decides she does not want to be with me anymore,

What if I cannot afford it,

What if I fail (my biggest one),

What will they think of me,

What if I have to give up XXX (insert alcohol, sweets, overspending, etc),

What if, What if, What if, how often do we as humans let the fear of the unknown decide our fate?

Facing my own personal fears in life has served me incredibly well and has been the launching point for becoming a better person. It has not always been easy but every time I have faced my greatest fears the rewards have been far greater.

Personally I feel my life has bottomed out more than once and fear always did its best to try to keep me there. When I was 21 all I was doing was drinking and doing drugs and my life came to screeching halt. In a matter of moments I lost my job, got kicked out of my house, was flat broke, and even considered suicide. But something in me stayed strong and I faced my fears got my act together and joined the U.S. military. I gave up everything I knew in search of a better life. Looking back on it joining the Navy saved my life. Was I scared? Absolutely, did I let fear decide my fate, Hell no.

When I realized I did not want to serve any longer in the military was I scared to get out? Absolutely. Servicemen telling me I would never make it on the outside surrounded me. I was told that there are no good jobs, that I would be giving up a good thing, many chiefs told me it was only a matter of time and I would be back. Did I buy into some of the fear? Absolutely, I was scared out of my mind but did I let fear decide my life? No, I got with my wife, developed a plan, started going to school, lined up a job before I was even out, and saved as much money as I could.

When I was deciding on going back to school was I scared? Absolutely, what if I fail, what if we do not have enough money, what if I am not sure what I want to do? These conversations constantly played out in my head. But I also had conversations with myself such as what if I do well, what if I can make it work financially, what if I find a great career that fulfills me?

When I was going through my divorce and was not sure if moving back to Minnesota was the right idea was I scared? Probably more than I have ever been in my entire life. Was I really about to give up the life I knew for the last 10 years? The night before I drove back I spent the entire night curled up on the floor crying because I was so scared. But I prayed to God for help and he wrapped me in love and light and assured me that if I face my fears it will work out in the end.

Because I have faced my fears I have traveled the world, got an excellent education, healed so many mental and physical blocks in my life, meet an amazing new woman, made incredible friends, advanced my career and been to the depths of my soul. Fear is such a powerful emotion that when confronted forced me to grow in ways that I have never believed possible.  Facing fear does not mean you have to know how everything works out, in fact when I was able to let go of expectations and just follow my gut it has felt like the Universe simply laid out a path for me. Do I still get scared, almost daily. Do I let fear decide my life, hell no. I use fear as a driving force in my life.

What are you afraid of? Where are you holding yourself back?

            

Anger

            Here I am today, far from complete but reasonably happy with who I am and who I have become. Knowing that life is a process of self-discovery. Accepting that every time I peel away a layer of myself I uncover new and exciting treasures. Believing that I have unlimited potential because every time I have one of those aha moments, after the excitement has settled I take the knowledge I have gained put it to use and become a better person.

Anger is a perfectly acceptable human emotion that we are all capable of feeling. Learning to recognize anger as it starts to brew is the key to understand how to release it Learning how to release anger instead of trying to control anger has served me very well.

I believe anger is the opposite of forgiveness. Anger is here to teach us how important it is to forgive. Forgiveness is the key to true peace. Those who I have the most anger towards are the ones I need to forgive the most. I do not need to forgive them for them but rather for myself. I needed to forgive myself because holding onto anger towards myself benefits no one. As Buddha has said: Holding onto anger is like holding onto a hot stone, in the end I am the one who gets burned.

I also had to learn that forgiving does not mean I have to forget. Nor do I need to let those I have forgiven know. Nor does it mean I have to be close and loving with everyone in my life. Forgiveness simply means I am allowing myself to let go of those negative feelings I have because they no longer serve me. Life will constantly bring me teachers until I truly understand anger and forgiveness. Forgiving has made me feel lighter, made me feel more free. I no longer want to be restricted by something that has happened years ago or even minutes ago. I forgive because I want more in life. I have made a choice to let go of resentment. Many times I have to remind myself that to be angry is a choice and I have the power to change. I do not want to be defined by all the perceived wrongs or mistakes in my life but rather by the choices I have made to become a better person.  

The ability to stay calm amongst the chaos is a skill I have been committed to. I planted the seed when my marriage failed in part because of my inability to recognize and release my anger. During our final hours when I saw the fire behind her eyes I had trouble accepting there could be so much there. I made a promise to myself as my marriage fizzled away that I would embark on a journey. This journey would not be easy but I knew if I were to ever love another or myself again I would need to tame the lion that lived within my soul.

            Throughout my life I was never taught about anger. I was incapable of expressing my anger in healthy ways. During childhood anger was expressed verbally through yelling and swearing. During my time in the military I was taught to keep my anger inside. It was as if the military was merely keeping a monster at bay so the monster could be unleashed at precisely the right time. Angry soldiers are good soldiers. In adulthood at times I would use booze to hide from the anger. But the booze was such a temporary solution. Not only does the beer not make the anger go away but it seems to come back stronger.

I did not know how to express my anger. I also had the belief that it was wrong to be angry. For many years I only knew of a few ways to express my anger, through yelling, by abusing my body through too much exercise or too many drugs, or swallowing it whole. For so long I was a ticking time bomb. I do not even think I was aware of how much anger I had inside of me. The tension in my back and neck, the fire that ran through my veins, the fury in my eyes, the more I ignored my anger the bigger it got. Anger when left unchecked is like a snowball rolling down a hill, as it rolls it gains size and strength until it gets to the point where it becomes an avalanche and will destroy anything in its path.

            Anger left unchecked leads to a host of other problems and emotions. Too much anger can turn into depression, anxiety, resentment, and many other strong emotions. Anger left to linger can have very strong physical ramifications as well, heart problems, muscle tension, weight gain, and headaches too name a few.

            During my life anger has been my greatest teacher. Anger has caused great turmoil in my life. Anger has also lead to my greatest treasures. For if I had never taken the time to go within and understand why I am angry, what am I suppose to learn, and why these experiences keep coming into my life I would not be the person I am today.

            With enough searching within and asking the right people the right questions I have made a new relationship with anger. Anger and I have come to an agreement that allows us to co-exist in a beautiful way.

            First of all I have told my anger that I will never try to disown it again. If I am mad I own it. Every part of it. I own the strong emotion, the hair standing up on my arms, the tension in the back of my knees, the clenching of my fists. I own the racing thoughts in my mind. The fastest way to release an emotion is to understand that it is perfectly acceptable to be feeling that emotion. I embrace my anger now when it rises and then I let it go.

            When I first began this journey I thought I was going to get to the point where I no longer got angry. And while I am impressed with myself because the little things rarely set me off anymore I am no longer trying to not get angry but instead I recognize anger, learn from anger, and then release the anger.

            Meditation has been my biggest reason for coming to a new understanding with my anger. A daily meditation practice has brought a new sense of calm to my life. Not only do I not get as angry anymore, I believe meditation has allowed me to recognize the subtle hints from my mind, body, and soul. Anger only grows when we do not get those little hints.

            I continue to write almost daily. Putting my emotions to paper is an excellent method of release for me. As I get lost in my words I feel the energy drain from my body.

            Nature will always absorb negative emotions. Getting outside, taking a few breaths, and recognizing the beauty of the flow of water or the ripple of the trees as the wind blows help me stay calm. If I am really upset I visualize myself getting in the river and letting go of the ores. Instead of trying to paddle my boat up the stream with all my might, I simply pick up the ores, point the boat down stream and go with the flow.

            I try to understand why I am angry. I can still be as stubborn as a mule but I am willing to embrace another’s point of view. I am willing to try and be vulnerable with those I am angry with and talk it out. It may feel difficult at first but once I realize that my anger is not towards another but rather a conflict that has developed within it does make it easier to share with another the feelings I am having.

            Finally when all else fails, if I am truly lost within the whirlwind of my emotions I grabbed those dumbbells and work myself out. Exercise may be the ultimate anger release. The dumbbells do not ask questions, they do not care that I am angry. It is just me versus them for the next 30 minutes. Exercise releases endorphins and when those endorphins are flowing they overtake the anger.

            These days I do not get as angry as I use to. It is not that I will never get angry again but I do believe I will not express my anger in ways that will hurt another or myself anymore. I recognize that I am a very passionate person and I love that about myself. I love myself when I am happy and I love myself when I am angry. I have owned all parts of myself and that has been the reason I have changed parts of myself. I no longer run from my anger or stuff it down, instead I open myself up, admit that the anger is there and then I do what I need to do to learn from it and let it go. 

I am Grateful...

            I am going to say something so cliché right now but what a difference a year can make. My how the world can change and turn out for the better if you have faith rely on those you love, and keep moving forward. One year ago today I spent Thanksgiving by myself. One year ago today I was sleeping on a friends couch. One year ago today I was unemployed. One year ago today my wife told me she did not want to be married anymore. One year ago today the foundation that was my life was completely shook to its very core. And yet here I am 365 days later with so much to be grateful for. The list is truly endless and most likely I am forgetting some people, some experiences, some other truly beautiful things but I cannot help but be grateful today.

            And while I have been practicing gratitude on a regular basis, Thanksgiving is such a symbolic day to really take the time and reflect on all that is good in our lives. I truly believe by making an honest effort to find the things that our working in our lives will produce more things in our lives to be grateful for.

            Cheryl Richardson one of my favorite authors suggests using a gratitude journal and writing down daily 10-15 things in your life you are grateful for. Here is my list for today in no particular order:

1.              I am grateful for Angela, David, Zach, Logan, and Melanie. That family has been my unwavering base of support throughout my life and especially over the course of the last 365 days when I needed them the most. They never judged me when I called and told them where I was at or what I was struggling with. They never told me things I did not want to hear, they simply open their hearts, their homes, and their lives, and stood by me as I went through my struggles. And of course those children can make any day better.

2.              I am grateful for Luke and Amanda for the constant late night “conference calls” and how they help would sit back and listen as I cried, yelled, or simply expressed my dismay over my current situation.  Those two define what loyalty is all about.

3.              I am grateful for Matt and how we have been friends since basically the start of our lives. For a man who went through in my opinion a far worse divorce than I did he would still take the time to open up his heart and his home, put his own feelings in check and help me through such a challenging time I am forever grateful.

4.              I am so grateful to my entire family.  My mother has been one of my biggest cheerleaders during this last year and my life in general. I have so many wonderful aunts, uncles, cousins, and so forth and one of the best parts of moving back to Minnesota is how I have been able to see my family on such a regular basis. My uncle Carl and Aunt Maria have open their door and their hearts to me so much, even as they go through their own challenges right now they still take the time to make me an amazing breakfast. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful family.

5.              I am so grateful to my beautiful sister Ally who might possibly be my biggest supporter. Ally is like the enforcer for me who doesn’t take any crap from anyone. She has been a symbol of strength for me when I was not willing to get angry. She helps me express my frustrations in a healthy way. And she knows how to get me to have fun.

6.              I am grateful to Meredith for all that her and I went through. It is hard to believe for the last year I thought I would never get over her and especially never see the good in what we went through. But I was willing to do the work truly look at myself and I have found so many gifts in my divorce. I have grown so much from the struggles and am so grateful to her not only for the divorce but also for all the good times we had. I loved her so much and a part of me still does. But I love her enough that I was willing to let her go and move on. We both deserve happiness in our lives and on this day I am grateful for our time we had together and wish her nothing but the best.

7.              As Veterans Day just came and went I am so grateful for my time in the military. I am so proud to say that I served. I saw so many amazing places in the world. I am grateful for all of the friends I made. I am grateful for all of the experiences, all that the military taught me. I am grateful that the military taught me that I could face fear head on and live to talk about it. I love that I shared a bed with Matt in Afghanistan, stood side by side with John outside the wire in Iraq, and for Dylan as he let me mess with him so bad when I was hammered in South Korea. The military was a challenging experience but as the years have passed I truly realized how much I have gained from those years.

8.              I am grateful to Richard and Shannon. They took me and totally changed their entire lives for a short period of time when I had nowhere else to turn. Looking back staying with Richard and Shannon truly saved my life when I moved out from my home. Richard got me to laugh, have fun, and get up and out when I need it the most. Shannon provided me with an ear and a heart when I would break down and cry. Their beautiful baby provided me with a never-ending source of happiness. And their wonderful dog provided me with a healthy outlet when I didn’t have my own dogs around.

9.              I am so very grateful for Spencer and Fitz the most perfect creatures ever. My dogs have been the biggest pillars of strength in my life. They have the most perfect energy, always love me, are always excited to see me, forgive me instantly when I make mistakes, force me to get up and out even when I may not want to, snuggle up to me when I need it and so much more. I am convinced my puppies are Angels God sent to me to look after me. Even when times are great they are still such a strong reminder of the importance to live in the moment.

10.          I am grateful for Miss Michelle and the love she has brought into my life. I am grateful that I can truly be myself around her, be vulnerable, be hyper, get drunk, get angry, I can just be me when I am with her and I am grateful that she accepts all of me. I am grateful that she showed me it is ok to open my heart again. I am so grateful for the chemistry we have, the energy we share, it is truly incredible. I am grateful for her children and how much fun we have together.

11.   And of course to anyone who takes the time to read my silly little blog, I am grateful for you. 

It is such a beautiful feeling that arises in me as I sit here and reflect on all of the good in my life. So many people and things that did not get mentioned in this list. I could write for days about all of the people who have had a positive affect in my life and still not mention everyone. I have been blessed with so many amazing people in my life. Today I am truly thankful for all that I have in my life, all that I had in my life, and all that I will have in my life. 

I might not...

I might not make as much money as I would like,

But I have a fun job that pays me pretty well,

Perhaps at times I spend more money then I should,

But I have a plan in place and am getting better,

I might not live in a swanky apartment in downtown St. Paul yet,

But I am lucky enough to live with one of my best friends of over 20 years,

Perhaps I could take that place that got offered to me last week,

But I know that right now the time is not right,

I might not have the perfect degree or the right educational background,

But I loved my program and learned so much,

Perhaps I will yet again return to school to explore more options,

But right now I am enjoying not having homework,

I might not have a body that will end up on the cover of a fitness magazine,

But I look pretty damn good with my shirt off,

Perhaps my body will continue to get stronger, leaner,

But fitness is a marathon not a sprint,

I might not always do the best workouts,

But I will find ways to be active every single day,

Perhaps I do not always eat healthy and avoid sweets,

But most days my diet revolves around eating foods that help my body thrive,

I might not always be jumping out of my pants happy,

But life is about the ups and the downs, and I have discovered how to embrace the good and the bad,

Perhaps I am not always suppose to be happy,

But instead learn how to roll with the punches,

I might not always be cool, calm, and collected,

But I continue to practice meditation daily and my anxiety has damn near left my life completely,

Perhaps at times I am too judgmental,

But as I continue to evolve I try to see the best in everyone,

I might not always be accepting,

But I will do my best to understand your point of view,

Perhaps I am a little too strong-minded; perhaps I demand the attention of the room a little too often,

But I will listen to you with an open mind and an open heart,

I might not always be the best friend I can be,

But when times are tough and you need me I will be there,

Perhaps I could be a better son, a better brother,

But I love my family the best I can,

I might not have been the best husband I could have been,

But I did a lot of things right and I am committed to understanding my mistakes and moving forward,

Perhaps at times I have gone against the little voice in my head even when I knew I should not,

But that little voice has never left and will continue to guide me,

I might piss you off at times, hurt your feelings, say something mean,

But I hope you understand it is never about you but instead a reflection of the struggles I have within,

Perhaps there are more things I could do right, more things I should know,

But I am committed to continual improvement for myself,

I might at times get lost in focusing on the negatives,

But more and more I am grateful for the positives,

So it is obvious I am not perfect but here is the key that I have learned and try to embrace everyday:

 I AM ENOUGH

It is in the works:

A preview of what I have been working on:

Clearly we had both wronged each other so much that we failed to see the beauty of each other’s eyes. Clearly we were so caught up in our anger and distrust for each other that we forgot we lived in sunny Southern California. Clearly we let the loneliness of that moment block us to the memories of our 7 years together. Clearly we were both so lost in that exact moment that we forgot how much we loved each other when we got married. Clearly the anxiety of that car ride had become so negative we forgot how much anticipation there once was.

 It was obvious the magic that had once convinced a woman to move to California and take a chance was now replaced by the disappointment that it turned out this way. It was obvious that there was such a strong disgust now that we forgot how much lust their once was. It was obvious that we had totally forgotten about those qualities that we had come to love because we were so focused on the qualities that we hated about each other.

That car ride home I will never forget. As she poured out feelings of how frustrated she was I poured out mine too. Her frustrations took the shapes of all the times I had wronged her. As neither of us would let each other’s words through the tension continued to mount. Like a cannon I went off. In a moment of fury I threw my cell phone and in an instant her windshield cracked from top to bottom. Immediately I knew in I had gone too far. I never intended to throw it but at that time my anger  had not learned of healthier methods of release.  As I stared at the cracks in the windshield she froze. Caught in fear, instinct took over for her. She got us home and blocked out my worthless attempts to beg for her forgiveness. That very moment marks the instance she knew she was done. No longer was she going to be a victim. No longer was she going to be in a relationship where she had to feel scared, worthless, and taken advantage of. No longer was she going to stay in a marriage that made her unhappy. In her mind that broken windshield represented our broken marriage.

As I sat on the couch yelling at myself I knew it was over. She told me it was time for me to go. Shaken to my very core I know I failed to realize the true seriousness of the situation. My marriage was over, my wife was gone, the switch was flipped and there was no getting her back. And yet I asked myself how could she tell me she wanted a separation? How fucking selfish of her. I was not ready to quit, I was not ready to throw in the towel. I was ready to keep fighting. However, my relationship did not need anymore fighting, in needed peace and love, and fighting for it was the last way more love was going to come about. 

As the therapist said, “I think it would be best if you two took a break for a while” fear set in. Reluctantly I agreed against my own inner-voice to move out at the end of the month. Scared of what lay before me she grabbed my hand. The simple gesture of her touching my hand when I was so scared filled me with hope. As we walked out of the office hand and hand I knew we could make this right. I knew she was still there, hanging on by a thread but still there. Right there I swore to myself I was going to do everything in my power to win her back. I just knew I was going to get her back. I was so convinced that I would fix this...

For my father;

Praying to my God to look after him and help him heal,

Truth be told there are probably a lot of things I wish my dad would have done differently,

In all reality I really wish he had been able to be there more for me as a child,

How long can I as an adult try to dish off some of my problems on my parents,

But here is what I know,

I know I have grown into a pretty decent man,

And if it were not for the trials and tribulations I went through with my father I may not be the man that stands here today,

I know that as I have grown my dad has grown,

It is hard to let go of the past,

I know that we as men, as boys, we both still have so much more room for growth,

I know that when I stand side-by-side with my father we can do it together,

As I have grown older looked into myself and done some of the tough work my father has done it too,

I take pride in knowing that we have been like father like son as we have both made the choice to lead a better life,,

The steps my father has taken in recent years to release the demons of his past were probably some of the longest steps he has ever taken,

I know we both have many more steps to take,

I am proud to call John Munkholm my father because he knows he is not perfect but he continues to push on,

I aim to embrace some of the great qualities my father has,

And I look up to him because when he shows me sides of him that he is not as proud of he respects me for trying to be more than that,

I love my dad because he never gave up on me even when I wanted to give up on myself,

As my life has changed and I have blossomed out into my own entity my father has not always understood my choices but always appreciated the diversity of my opinion,

My father has continued more and more to embrace many of my lifestyle choices and still remains firm in what he believes,

Every time I meet one of my father’s new friends they speak so highly of his children and the pride he has in my sisters and I are reflective in their words,

I may not always agree with my father and he may frustrate me at times but as I grow I have learned to love him so much that I can just let my dad be my dad and let go of all the bull shit that tries to get in the way.

I love you dad, get well soon.